Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school...

By Messiahman - 30/10/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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Love

DINOSAURS!!

Ghosted

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By FML - 19/1/2016 06:41 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:40 - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By ruffrider - 5/2/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

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By Acneface - 28/6/2009 00:55 - France

Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML

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By GettingACat - 20/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By Felicityfrank - 1/5/2014 14:17 - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By Kay - 23/2/2010 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

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By BakedBat - 21/2/2014 04:10 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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By Username - 3/5/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

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By xmelissadavisx - 28/11/2015 12:21

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

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By KayIsKiwi99 - 29/8/2016 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

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By dirk855 - 18/1/2009 10:29 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

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By -_- - 18/2/2012 00:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

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By viperplay53 - 12/8/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, while working at a McDonald's drive-through, some dicks decided to pull a "fire in the hole" prank. Granted, it has been done to me before, this time was different. These pleasant people decided to use hot coffee. FML

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By Stef - 5/12/2018 05:00

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

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By sunkissedberries - 15/7/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML

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By Sam - 4/3/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By plantfood - 6/1/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

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By Goodyear - 20/1/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

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By Kate - 29/4/2012 15:22 - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

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By Calimero0 - 5/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 00:02

Smash the Patriarchy!

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

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By sickness_sucks - 15/6/2012 06:19 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - 3/4/2015 13:41 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By WTFFAIL - 3/12/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 17:12 - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By ShanghaiSam - 17/5/2017 04:00 - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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By Natalie - 2/3/2010 22:05 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

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By hoho5191 - 20/7/2009 16:50 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By Ann - 18/6/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By alphabetman - 14/9/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

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By Sammijane58 - 31/7/2019 14:00

Today, I watched my best friend get married. I then watched her completely ignore my maid of honor speech, because she was messing with the lights behind us. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 09:29 - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2020 20:00

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By gassy - 12/2/2013 14:18 - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By names suck and so do I - 8/8/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By Eternal Servitude - 2/5/2015 16:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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Top comments

By deviable | 9

#3512375 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:32

What a twist!

By MrKlutch | 1

#3512369 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:30

Ask her mom to join you guys

COMMENTS

By MrKlutch | 1

#3512369 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:30

Ask her mom to join you guys

iBanana | 17

#3512399 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:38

Not every situation can be magically transformed into a porno

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3512420 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:49

Squeeze her butt too.. maybe she was just jealous.

xlord | 27

#3512431 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:54

Dw worry guys OP said it was only Jokingly so it really wasn't a problem.

n_epic_fail | 14

#3512501 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:25

7- no but we sure can try. Anything can happen in Texas

white16sox | 19

#3512835 - Sunday 30 October 2011 13:15

12 don't worry worry?

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3513002 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:29

This joke is played out, FMLers.

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#3513472 - Sunday 30 October 2011 16:19

7 - Rule #34. Enough said.

SamBaBam98 | 0

#3514197 - Sunday 30 October 2011 18:57

Wait which school carnival cuz I was at one In my town in Texas and I played twister

lemon_phat | 11

#3515731 - Sunday 30 October 2011 22:55

You play twister at school carnivals? I'm jealous..

likasumboooodi | 0

#3518296 - Monday 31 October 2011 9:45

mom was already playing with them

fackincrazy | 0

#3548262 - Sunday 6 November 2011 3:35

LIES !!!!

Humanspider | 18

#3705527 - Friday 9 December 2011 8:34

Does not mean a guy can not dream for that one magical porno day

By sreejithgmenon | 3

#3512371 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hamncheeseinit | 6

#3512522 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

memily63 | 12

#3512594 - Sunday 30 October 2011 11:55

Is that even English..?

TheDrummingResul | 0

#3513084 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:52

Cheating had absolutely nothing to do with that FML and you butchered that sentence so bad...

By infinity99_fml | 3

#3512373 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:31

Was it a soft butt ?

By deviable | 9

#3512375 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:32

What a twist!

By teague95 | 16

#3512376 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:33

Was it the right hand red it always gets me twisted.

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3515815 - Sunday 30 October 2011 23:23

I prefer the Adult Twister where you add pink and brown to the spinner, and play it oiled up and naked.

By Telescope | 1

#3512383 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:34

I'm sure it was fun trying to explain that.

By alicianoar | 7

#3512404 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:41

That's not an fml. Are you fucking twelve?

By best_username | 3

#3512412 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:43

haha goodsawt

yadisingh | 5

#3513104 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:58

Goodsawt? The fuck is that?

bearnblue | 0

#3516797 - Monday 31 October 2011 3:31

#40 u made me laugh :P

bearnblue | 0

#3516801 - Monday 31 October 2011 3:31

#40 u made me laugh :P

By cmayo | 3

#3512414 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:43

At least it wasn't naked twister.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#3512471 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:13

Everybody wins in naked twister.

Well, except me. I have no friends so I can only play naked twister alone with my antique pool noodle collection.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3513010 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:31

If only your snail weren't such a party pooper.

sydnee14 | 7

#3515717 - Sunday 30 October 2011 22:50

I've never even heard of naked twister!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#3520541 - Monday 31 October 2011 20:32

^ oh boy, your missing epic fun then.

By Garytt | 0

#3512438 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:58

"She had a spider on her butt"

comment11111 | 39

#5723405 - Sunday 20 October 2013 16:08

haha, funny :)