Love: Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school...

By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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Love

Stealth dog

Reliable

So you had a bad day…

By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

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By julia - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By DudeManBro69 - United States

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

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By farmvillefail - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By 404 justice not found - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By PISSED OFF - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

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By Graverobber

Today, as I was fueling my truck, I was asked out to dinner by a 65-year-old retiree. I'm 25. He stormed off and called me a bitch for politely turning him down. FML

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By idiot - France

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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By Virginy - France

Today, I was stuck in the elevator at my building, so I pushed the emergency button which made a ringing noise. After half an hour, I hear someone yelling to the elevator, "Could you stop pushing that button, there are kids sleeping." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By Swedishsummer - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By shat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lindsay

Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

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By Motionless - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By ashamed father - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 14:01

Stalker vibes

Today, a woman who has a history of being horrible came into my work. I had to help her, so I was determined to be so nice that she couldn't possibly complain about me, like she has about several co-workers before. Apparently, I was too nice. Now she loves me and wants me to help her every time she comes in. FML

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By foxbrat - United States

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 23:01

Blast from the past

Today, I found a USB stick my husband was hiding. I checked and it had hundreds of pictures of girls from porn sites and Instagram. That wasn’t the issue. Hidden in those pictures was a pic of his ex-girlfriend, with whom he has not been with past 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01 - Canada

Dried out

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

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By CJ 84

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

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By thishasbeenaverytellingnight

Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML

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By crybaby - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

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By ADickySituation - United States - Wilmette

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

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By effingawwesome - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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Top comments

By deviable | 9

#3512375 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:32

What a twist!

By MrKlutch | 1

#3512369 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:30

Ask her mom to join you guys

COMMENTS

By MrKlutch | 1

#3512369 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:30

Ask her mom to join you guys

iBanana | 17

#3512399 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:38

Not every situation can be magically transformed into a porno

Epic_Fail911 | 15

#3512420 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:49

Squeeze her butt too.. maybe she was just jealous.

xlord | 27

#3512431 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:54

Dw worry guys OP said it was only Jokingly so it really wasn't a problem.

n_epic_fail | 14

#3512501 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:25

7- no but we sure can try. Anything can happen in Texas

white16sox | 19

#3512835 - Sunday 30 October 2011 13:15

12 don't worry worry?

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3513002 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:29

This joke is played out, FMLers.

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#3513472 - Sunday 30 October 2011 16:19

7 - Rule #34. Enough said.

SamBaBam98 | 0

#3514197 - Sunday 30 October 2011 18:57

Wait which school carnival cuz I was at one In my town in Texas and I played twister

lemon_phat | 11

#3515731 - Sunday 30 October 2011 22:55

You play twister at school carnivals? I'm jealous..

likasumboooodi | 0

#3518296 - Monday 31 October 2011 9:45

mom was already playing with them

fackincrazy | 0

#3548262 - Sunday 6 November 2011 3:35

LIES !!!!

Humanspider | 18

#3705527 - Friday 9 December 2011 8:34

Does not mean a guy can not dream for that one magical porno day

By sreejithgmenon | 3

#3512371 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

hamncheeseinit | 6

#3512522 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

memily63 | 12

#3512594 - Sunday 30 October 2011 11:55

Is that even English..?

TheDrummingResul | 0

#3513084 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:52

Cheating had absolutely nothing to do with that FML and you butchered that sentence so bad...

By infinity99_fml | 3

#3512373 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:31

Was it a soft butt ?

By deviable | 9

#3512375 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:32

What a twist!

By teague95 | 16

#3512376 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:33

Was it the right hand red it always gets me twisted.

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3515815 - Sunday 30 October 2011 23:23

I prefer the Adult Twister where you add pink and brown to the spinner, and play it oiled up and naked.

By Telescope | 1

#3512383 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:34

I'm sure it was fun trying to explain that.

By alicianoar | 7

#3512404 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:41

That's not an fml. Are you fucking twelve?

By best_username | 3

#3512412 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:43

haha goodsawt

yadisingh | 5

#3513104 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:58

Goodsawt? The fuck is that?

bearnblue | 0

#3516797 - Monday 31 October 2011 3:31

#40 u made me laugh :P

bearnblue | 0

#3516801 - Monday 31 October 2011 3:31

#40 u made me laugh :P

By cmayo | 3

#3512414 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:43

At least it wasn't naked twister.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#3512471 - Sunday 30 October 2011 10:13

Everybody wins in naked twister.

Well, except me. I have no friends so I can only play naked twister alone with my antique pool noodle collection.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3513010 - Sunday 30 October 2011 14:31

If only your snail weren't such a party pooper.

sydnee14 | 7

#3515717 - Sunday 30 October 2011 22:50

I've never even heard of naked twister!!

False_Stupidity | 41

#3520541 - Monday 31 October 2011 20:32

^ oh boy, your missing epic fun then.

By Garytt | 0

#3512438 - Sunday 30 October 2011 9:58

"She had a spider on her butt"

comment11111 | 39

#5723405 - Sunday 20 October 2013 16:08

haha, funny :)