Today, I bought a Plan B at CVS. I always use my parents' phone number for reward points. Turns out my mom is enrolled in digital receipts. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Her new nickname for me is "Mr. Breakfast Sausage." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML
Today, I realized my mom is a big hypocrite for telling me sex is wrong and sinful outside marriage, because I just worked out from their marriage certificate my mom must have been pregnant with me in college, and I was born after they’d only been married for four weeks. FML
Today, I looked into my fiance's Twitter to see he follows tons of "nipslips" and adult/porn pages, even though we've had numerous fights with him making excuses as to how/why I've been "misunderstanding" past issues. At this point I've pretty much bet my life on this guy. FML
Today, my boss told me to kick out of the hotel anyone who was clearly a prostitute trolling for men. I spotted a woman in a miniskirt approaching a guy in the bar, so I told her politely to leave. Despite the skirt, turns out she's the hotel manager and the man was her fiancé. I got fired so hard and fast. FML
Today, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero desire for sex. I’m well into my 20s and not a virgin. FML
Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend lied about not only talking to one other girl, but 5 other girls, and it wasn't just talking, it was wanting to meet up, nudes, sex, getting high together etc.. This has been going on for months, and even when I confronted him about it with evidence, he still denied it all. FML
Today, as my husband normally initiates sex and sometimes I want to but always chicken out, I was feeling brave and did so. After he came, he continued working on me and I farted. I embarrassingly apologized and he said it was ok and kept going. I then continued to fart, and I had to stop. FML
Today, my sausage dog ate my cat's turds and barfed them all over my bed. Try convincing the girl you just brought home to get into bed after that. FML
Today, I caught my husband setting up an affair with my old school-friend. I have chronic pain, a hormone imbalance and some other issues that means I'm losing interest in being intimate at all. It hurts. I don't enjoy this either. FML
Today, I re-started the Grindr app several times because I wasn’t receiving notifications. Turns out it wasn’t malfunctioning, it was just that I didn’t get a single message. FML
Today, my mom woke me up from a wet dream, because I was moaning too loudly. I'm a 32 year-old virgin. FML
Today, I discovered the brand of condoms my parents use. It was in the same grocery bag as my food. FML
Today, I found out the real reason my boyfriend was terminated from work: for having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a coworker, and not because he was "furloughed from COVID" like he said was. Oh, and he got her pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML
Today, I'm 3 months pregnant and have seemingly started having sex dreams about other men. Last night, I had a passionate affair with an older man. Who was it? Joe Bastianich. FML
Today, I was asking my best friend to tell me all the boys she’d had sex with, because I thought she had slept with my boyfriend. She accidentally said my dad. FML
Today, I still can't talk to cute girls my age without getting tics. I'm over 30, a lesbian, and technically still a virgin. FML
Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML
Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML
Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML
Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML
Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML
Today, I sabotaged my marriage by putting the idea of an open relationship that I never wanted into my husband's head. Why the fuck? FML
Today, I was home alone while my family was on a trip for 3 days at the beach. I walked around naked and did stuff, thinking they wouldn't know. After a whole evening of doing stuff like that, I noticed a camera. They were filming it all. FML
Today, at a bar, I bumped into the hot blonde teacher I had the hots for all through high school, and she actually tried to seduce me. I was only in the bar drowning my sorrows because I recently had my cancerous prostate removed and I can’t get erections any more. Life isn’t fair. FML
Today, my partner and I were both horny at the same time. I entertained our 3 kids while he jerked off, then he entertained them while I went and masturbated. We live together and this is the first time we’ve been horny at the same time since Christmas, because we’re both so exhausted. FML
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