Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML
Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML
Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML
Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML
Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML
Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML
Today, I took a army-mandated personality evaluation test. The results said I had a high chance of schizophrenia and multiple personality syndrome. Part of me says that the test is probably spot-on, the other part says it has to be a mistake. Apparently this is another sign of schizophrenia. FML
ArmyIT tells us more.
ArmyIT 13
It's not like it's something I just decided was a symtom. It was my psychiatrists opinion/word that it was. They now want me to do further testing. its just disheartening to know that I could lose my job over this.
Today, I learned that the blisters that popped up this morning on my hands and feet are a result of a virus that takes two weeks to fully heal. After I told my roommates to be careful, one of them decided that NOW was a good time to tell us she had it last week. FML
Today, my co-worker spent the afternoon taking online personality quizzes and messaging everyone the results. She was particularly proud of one which told her she was a hard-working overachiever. My boss walked by just as the message for that one popped up and I got in trouble for slacking off. FML
Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML
Today, I picked up an extra shift at the store. It was also the day the store's ventilation system shut down, resulting in carbon monoxide poisoning for me and two co-workers. FML
Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML
Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML
Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received doesn't actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing my balance and slamming my injured toe into objects, and then getting sick from that new pain. FML
Today, disappointed with my results on a mathematics test, I went over it and realized my teacher had added up the marks incorrectly, leaving me with 17% less than I earned. The person who's supposed to be teaching me math can't even perform basic arithmetic. FML
Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML
Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML
Today, my 5-year-old decided that it would be a great idea to try to paint her nails in secret. As a result, I now get to learn how to remove copious amounts of dark nail polish from a wide variety of materials, including my apartment's 1/2-inch thick shag rug. FML
Fortunato_18 tells us more.
Just a couple of points I wanna touch on: 1) the shag rug: haha not my choice! It came with my apartment, where the rug is one of the least awful things about it. 2) I know I should have had the nail polish out of reach, but we were planning on painting my daughters nails as soon as one of us got the chance. She's never done anything like that before so I didn't think to lock it up. We did have a chat about it though, and it hasn't been an issue since (this happened a few weeks ago) 3)Thank you for the removal tips! Hopefully I can find one that works :)
Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML
Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML
Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML
Today, while I was teaching my chickens to eat out of my hand, one of the hens bit my finger and I dropped the entire handful of treats. Result: bonanza for the bird. The rest decided they could get more treats by biting me rather than by behaving. I now have a flock of fingerbiters. FML
Rapunzel1974 tells us more.
Rapunzel1974 23
I'm the OP. I'm the one with the Fabulous Fingerbiters. These chickens aren't food: they're overindulged pets. Each one has a name, so chicken stew isn't an option. I've named them after various vaudeville stars or actresses because they're a lot of feathery drama queens. Actually, biting the hand that feeds them is right in line with the entertainment-industry theme I chose when naming them. A chicken bite from a baby bird isn't really painful at all because their little beaks are so soft. Even an adult bird's peck isn't painful in the same way a dog or cat bite is painful. They can't break the skin, although if they get you in the face it can leave a scratch or welt. A parrot, by contrast, can take your finger off. Chickens just aren't strong enough. These are going to be lovely laying hens. They're just a bit cheeky. I think I can break them of the habit by switching for a while to grass instead of mealworms, by *not* dropping the goodies no matter what, and moving on to the second phase of training, where I train them to hop onto my lap and sit there to be fed and petted. When training a chicken, it's important to use food as a reward. They're not like dogs and they don't consider attention a reward. They don't even consider petting a reward until they're conditioned to do so, because it's not a normal behavior or sensation for them. But it's straight-up operant conditioning, right out of B.F. Skinner
Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML
Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML
Today, I played Call of Duty with my new flatmate. He continuously lost and was outraged that a girl beat him. It resulted in him shouting at me, claiming that since I'm Muslim, I must be part of the Taliban, which would explain my gaming skills. FML
zahra_786 tells us more.
Hey guys OP here! I loved reading the comments! So this was the first week or so he had moved in, so I set up my playstation 3 for us and the other three flatmates to allow him to get to know us and speak to us since he was new here! When I kept beating him, he started shouting stuff in Italian (he's a foreign student) and then at the end he started using my religion as the reason for my win! LOL. I also beat his ass on FIFA..but he had no ridiculous excuse there ! :Dp.s. he's hopefully moving out soon so its all good!
Today, while walking to my car after work, I witnessed some moron who was texting while riding her bike running right into my parked car, resulting in a broken side mirror, a damaged windshield, two dents, and for her, a broken phone and nose. She's threatening to sue me for damages. FML
Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML
Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML
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