Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me...

By justme - 2/11/2013 13:21 - United States - Alliance

Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Great speech, thanks!

True hero

By makeyourselfathome - 17/9/2014 12:18 - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 20:37 - United States - Mountain Home

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

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By pwndbykidz - 9/8/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By RedLion23 - 3/11/2009 20:08 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

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By wtf dad - 3/3/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

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By RecentCollegeGrad - 17/6/2015 18:09

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2011 14:29 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 17:49 - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

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By dogbreederssuck - 3/2/2015 15:26 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

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By mike - 10/7/2013 07:51 - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 02:11 - United States - Gainesville

Today, a student's mother sent me an e-mail complaining that I was requiring her child to read a book containing mild profanity. She then demanded me to let him read an easier book. This would've been somewhat acceptable if the student wasn't in the 12th grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 13:29 - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 22:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 11:45 - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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By bonnmo - 11/11/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By Loser - 12/8/2017 03:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

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By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Shame on you!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

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By gotanewmouse - 26/9/2011 10:37 - New Zealand

Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML

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By unknown - 27/2/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2015 13:34

Today, I tried to stage an intervention for a friend who abuses drugs. I ended up with my hair on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 14:03 - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By anonymous - 2/10/2016 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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By Embarressed... - 4/8/2010 10:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 17:06 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By trolls have hit the gutters - 17/2/2015 18:23 - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, a homeless guy told me I looked like shit and to have some self-respect. Right. FML

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By Wallz99 - 19/4/2013 06:00 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2018 01:30

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

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By StevieMe - 8/4/2009 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By helosthisshit - 1/11/2014 14:26 - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By WhyMe - 27/11/2018 17:30

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2015 15:55 - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By boo! - 17/2/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By CalebNotShomo - 25/12/2014 15:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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By Misty Michelle Jones - 24/8/2019 20:00

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5739548 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:52

He likes it extra-virgin.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5739532 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:48

well, at least we know another use for olive oil...

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5739532 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:48

well, at least we know another use for olive oil...

revan546 | 24

#5739591 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:17

The answer is no, for both questions lol

Jiplo | 18

#5739595 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:23

What is your profile picture of? It looks very..... odd...

JMichael | 25

#5739651 - Saturday 2 November 2013 20:05

What say you and I try it out?

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5739682 - Saturday 2 November 2013 20:28

#33- It's no, then yes.

By qassaq | 14

#5739533 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:48

Yeah not always the best thing getting in touch with your relative's dark side...

flashback.miss | 28

#5739553 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:54

especially if they're Sith...

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5739535 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:49

6 people sign for Obama care

mario2012 | 18

#5739567 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:06

This it not YouTube.

mario2012 | 18

#5739584 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:15

Is*

gracehi | 31

#5739693 - Saturday 2 November 2013 20:36

That's the estimate for the first day only nationwide. 6 people signed up on the private market through the exchange on the first day. Everyone else signed up for Medicaid that day.

By coried91 | 28

#5739537 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:49

Well, at least you now know where the olive oil has been disappearing to.

By NeDaroft | 5

#5739539 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:49

It's good, but it's not healthy for you...so I heard, so I heard

By thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5739541 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:50

The answer is yes. To both questions.

gracehi | 31

#5739613 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:34

I won't get specific but no it's not.

PossiblyInDanger | 24

#5739669 - Saturday 2 November 2013 20:21

Definitely not.

mannatee | 19

#5739670 - Saturday 2 November 2013 20:22

No, obamacare is not good

By SherlockWho | 6

#5739542 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:50

might want to advise him how to clear his history OP...

By cosicosei | 22

#5739544 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:51

Nooooooo, never use organic products and oils that aren't specifically meant for intimate stuff if you aren't 100% sure. Messes with a girl's pH and can cause infection.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5739623 - Saturday 2 November 2013 19:45

Experienced, are we?

By ipwnallmen | 10

#5739545 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:51

Wonder how the conversation went afterwards...

By emilycb93 | 12

#5739546 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:51

Well I guess you know what your dad is into... :/

coried91 | 28

#5739550 - Saturday 2 November 2013 18:53

I'm not sure about you but I'd prefer not to know about the stuff that goes on in my parents sex life. I think it qualifies.

edit: this comment was to her original comment.