Love: Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out...

By romantic84 - 31/05/2011 04:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 661

You deserved it 38 842

Love

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Hiding from the drama

Yada yada yada

By NeedaNosePlug - 26/01/2012 05:19 - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 242

You deserved it 3 198

By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 084

You deserved it 2 847

By singleladynow - 20/01/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 293

You deserved it 3 388

By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 654

You deserved it 47 053

By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 21:54 - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 413

You deserved it 3 713

The disrespect

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 11:01

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 48

By ashamed - 20/01/2016 19:00 - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 172

You deserved it 1 677

By itsme - 08/07/2019 04:00

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 760

You deserved it 103

By Tag - 07/09/2015 00:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 170

You deserved it 2 746

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

By Miren - 02/07/2021 22:01

Today, I thought I was suddenly having insulin problems due to my medical conditions. Turns out, every 4 weeks, your ovaries can just decide to make your blood sugar drop, even if you're transitioning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 403

By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 933

You deserved it 2 674

By shilpajayseanfan - 24/02/2009 13:43 - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 215

You deserved it 54 482

By Anonymoose - 29/09/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 322

You deserved it 4 232

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 978

You deserved it 6 520

By Skullie - 19/02/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 757

You deserved it 4 940

By (-,..,-) - 24/07/2015 17:24 - France

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 979

You deserved it 1 706

By Steephx0 - 22/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 469

You deserved it 3 412

Cancer sucks

By m0r0n - 20/10/2020 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, like most days, I awoke from a dream where my hair was long again. This time, it was in the way while I was trying to drink water from a fountain. I lost my hair from chemo; it's slowly growing back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 338

You deserved it 320

"Pooping and Shit"

By everybodypoops - 02/08/2017 20:00

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 792

You deserved it 508

By hearingthings - 26/06/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 161

You deserved it 6 494

By Lebac - 14/04/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 666

You deserved it 4 055

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 01:02 - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 392

You deserved it 5 455

By Loveless - 06/05/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 180

You deserved it 195

By Andrew - 24/11/2011 20:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 678

You deserved it 54 334

By JDLAX1924 - 05/08/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 740

You deserved it 42 301

Narcissistic parents FTW

By KaYLa_LoUiSe - 08/08/2020 08:03

Today, I told my mom I wasn't doing very good mentally and I was looking for some support. She decided to remind me of all of the things I still haven't paid her back for. I'm now an unpaid loan, not her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 440

You deserved it 189

Don't feed the animals

By Sara - 22/09/2020 07:54 - Canada

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 160

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 651

You deserved it 756

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 511

You deserved it 2 079

By hesaidwhat - 15/01/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 029

You deserved it 5 887

Dad of the year

By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 135

By jcooh0lla - 24/07/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 633

You deserved it 7 428

By Noname - 17/03/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 118

You deserved it 24 488

By needlessly hungry - 10/03/2019 20:00

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 3 372

By xoVioLoveox - 10/03/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 194

You deserved it 13 243

Sign this!

By Stairs? Noooooo - 15/09/2015 22:31 - United States - San Leandro

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 122

You deserved it 1 525

By drano - 02/08/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 867

You deserved it 3 277

By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 244

You deserved it 30 170

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 1 898

By Anonymous - 06/10/2012 23:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 812

You deserved it 2 799

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Top comments

Livinia 11

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:49

I wonder what she'd say if you gave her butt sex spontaneously out of the blue...

BountyBass 13

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:48

the sex must be great

ilaleahcim 6

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:45

Spontaneously AND out of the blue? Impressive.

iLazy 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:45

Lol why don't you just tell her that she should be a telemarketer.

itaimumwiro 8

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:47

don't ruin it. just say quatw

EvilPotato 14

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 12:18

yes great idea throw her life away.

gunmania0 12

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 12:25

Every relationship is meant to work like that... except yours. Yours doesn't work.

PurpleRae420 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 14:51

Aww that's sad don't tell her then you may never be able to touch her!!!

seanders 10

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 18:08

That's why you ask for blowjobs, it's 10 minutes of silence.

herrobear 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 20:48

Sucks man. Maybe you should talk more that way it's about things you're interested in too? If it's that bad, you shouldn't be together.

tittymagic 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 23:55

hey seanders you can only make it 10 min? wow sometimes I shoot my load if a fly lands on my shaft

Emster689 0

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 5:34

why would that help?

BountyBass 13

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:48

the sex must be great

EatnBeef 7

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 22:01

women need to shut the fuck up. take away their Talking rights

KyRidHEART 0

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:21

Meaaaanie.

TimeDisposalEngi 14

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Wednesday 27 February 2013 4:33

LOL

Livinia 11

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:49

I wonder what she'd say if you gave her butt sex spontaneously out of the blue...

strangerdanger90 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:52

"what what in the butt "

orphinz 3

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 16:12

Surprise But Sex

titan87 0

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 17:49

Very Niccccceess I like!

griddy24 17

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Tuesday 28 May 2019 15:20

Hopefully she would call the police?

XmyviolentheartX 13

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Tuesday 31 May 2011 11:56

Tell her you want to play the "quiet game" haha. Nah, you should tell her to close her eyes, then you can take your time lol gives you more than a "few seconds". lol like a good minute of silence. ;]

KyRidHEART 0

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:24

Seems you like "Laughing Out Loud" noting you said it two times in a sentence.

XmyviolentheartX 13

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 6:38

Well you have a good eye.  Good job. And yes, I do like to "Lol". I would rather put two "lol" than "hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah that's lol!" so yeah. 