Love: Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Stuck in the middle with you

Boom, headshot

By to_complicated_4_u - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By jordy1995 - United States

Today, I found out I can't go to my best friend's birthday party. To cheer me up, my parents decided to take me and my brother to my favorite pizzeria for dinner. When I was ready and went downstairs, I discovered they left already. They forgot me. FML

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By Cuzles - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous

Wrong enemy

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

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By ColdFoot - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By mud - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML

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By HALIFAAA - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By what the actual fuck - United States - Puyallup

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

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By effyou - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

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By stillwaiting - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 00:30

Ghosted

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 08:08 - United States - Bakerville

Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be a doozy

Today, I'm stuck at my minimum wage job, listening to people who make twice as much as me complain that, "they only get the week off for Thanksgiving." FML

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By Roll Tide of Tears - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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By Gagging - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Smells like victory

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By no one - United States - Dallas

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

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By radioinvader - Canada - Kingston

Freaked out

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

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By WestboroBC - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By cjhgvb - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By missedout - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By HP_22 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By ohwell - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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By Username - Singapore

Today, I was put in lockup for accidentally scaring the officer by lifting my hand to scratch my head. FML

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By Dude - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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Top comments

By rebelsrock | 17

#6440018 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:53

I love it when girls are affectionate

By UserOfTheMind | 24

#6440022 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:56

You don't mess with someone's sleep... ever. That shit is precious.

COMMENTS

By rebelsrock | 17

#6440018 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:53

I love it when girls are affectionate

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6440055 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:50

oh yeah, Palmela Handerson is the best gf EVAR!

p.s. I didn't know your hand had a cheek

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#6440068 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 16:23

I prefer Lindsay Lohand. She gets CRAZY if you let her.

Reply

PlasticElite17 | 6

#6440213 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 19:50

Handjalina Jolie?

By science-teacher | 15

#6440019 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:54

Sounds like she loves you a whole punch

Reply

daGun | 18

#6440275 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 22:19

Love will knock you out!

Reply

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6440379 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 1:15

Sounds like they hit it off!

By RainbowLibster | 17

#6440020 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:55

So affectionate

By UserOfTheMind | 24

#6440022 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:56

You don't mess with someone's sleep... ever. That shit is precious.

By erin55378 | 17

#6440023 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:57

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed..

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MasterTron | 24

#6440356 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 0:17

Who said she woke up?

By itsme82 | 18

#6440024 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:58

I laughed so hard at this. Serves you right for messing with her.

Reply

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6440044 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:40

How exactly was he messing with her?

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6440057 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:54

you obviously don't sleep with women

By CaletheLion | 15

#6440031 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:08

Wow, I didn't know my own hand could punch me like that.

By band_geek | 18

#6440034 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:09

Hope it wasn't beacuse you weren't doing someone else in her sleep and the you in her dream wasn't whispering that to the other person in her dream state. But if she were awake when she did that, well, then!

By TreeTreeMan | 23

#6440036 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:14

That's how you know she's a keeper

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6440038 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:21

She could've been frightened by the sudden noise in her ear and punched you