Love: Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24649

You deserved it

3613

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Roommate from hell

By blocked_by_fire - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32579

You deserved it

4472

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22382

You deserved it

1674

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47521

You deserved it

8995

Tweet

Share

By shubididubbitty - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22230

You deserved it

1364

Tweet

Share

By Kingofbosses - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50376

You deserved it

16495

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46651

You deserved it

3120

Tweet

Share

By LoveStruck- - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38681

You deserved it

5697

Tweet

Share

By pointlessperson - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40682

You deserved it

2974

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46636

You deserved it

6858

Tweet

Share

By HannaMD - Canada

Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29447

You deserved it

5912

Tweet

Share

By Nicole - United States

Gift of the gab

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40156

You deserved it

7228

Tweet

Share

By ohno - United States

Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28296

You deserved it

5418

Tweet

Share

By babysitter - United States

Today, I was twenty minutes into babysitting my twin baby cousins when I realized that there are no diapers to be found anywhere in the house. I have no way to get a hold of my aunt, no money to buy new diapers, and I don't even have a way to get to the store in the first place. The next few hours are going to be lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39141

You deserved it

4920

Tweet

Share

By fatty - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30584

You deserved it

8155

Tweet

Share

By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3471

You deserved it

276

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63659

You deserved it

17518

Tweet

Share

By scammed - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60614

You deserved it

3588

Tweet

Share

By jenni6488 - United Kingdom

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10472

You deserved it

23205

Tweet

Share

By gb - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35475

You deserved it

8827

Tweet

Share

By vetapplez - United States

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

107195

You deserved it

8594

Tweet

Share

By ragingwaffles - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42151

You deserved it

3873

Tweet

Share

By uni life - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31064

You deserved it

2824

Tweet

Share

By dontworrybehappy - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28869

You deserved it

6117

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36002

You deserved it

9576

Tweet

Share

By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3409

You deserved it

722

Tweet

Share

By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44550

You deserved it

5619

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Golden child

Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1236

You deserved it

60

Tweet

Share

By Crapper. - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11083

You deserved it

718

Tweet

Share

By taz

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1319

You deserved it

3044

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5036

You deserved it

376

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57463

You deserved it

18682

Tweet

Share

By Tinker-Bell - France

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". It was my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48043

You deserved it

17907

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55536

You deserved it

4211

Tweet

Share

By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43852

You deserved it

3102

Tweet

Share

By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2182

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By girlfromnowhere - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23625

You deserved it

2096

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Mommy Issues

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4406

You deserved it

376

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband who asked for a divorce four days ago announced his engagement on Facebook. His new woman's profile picture is my engagement ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49672

You deserved it

3479

Tweet

Share

By fordn4h - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37414

You deserved it

5167

Tweet

Share

By snowlover - United States - Fremont

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44626

You deserved it

6617

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rebelsrock | 17

#6440018 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:53

I love it when girls are affectionate

By UserOfTheMind | 24

#6440022 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:56

You don't mess with someone's sleep... ever. That shit is precious.

COMMENTS

By rebelsrock | 17

#6440018 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:53

I love it when girls are affectionate

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6440055 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:50

oh yeah, Palmela Handerson is the best gf EVAR!

p.s. I didn't know your hand had a cheek

Reply

Zebediabolical | 38

#6440068 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 16:23

I prefer Lindsay Lohand. She gets CRAZY if you let her.

Reply

PlasticElite17 | 6

#6440213 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 19:50

Handjalina Jolie?

By science-teacher | 15

#6440019 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:54

Sounds like she loves you a whole punch

Reply

daGun | 18

#6440275 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 22:19

Love will knock you out!

Reply

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6440379 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 1:15

Sounds like they hit it off!

By RainbowLibster | 17

#6440020 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:55

So affectionate

By UserOfTheMind | 24

#6440022 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:56

You don't mess with someone's sleep... ever. That shit is precious.

By erin55378 | 17

#6440023 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:57

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed..

Reply

MasterTron | 24

#6440356 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 0:17

Who said she woke up?

By itsme82 | 18

#6440024 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 14:58

I laughed so hard at this. Serves you right for messing with her.

Reply

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6440044 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:40

How exactly was he messing with her?

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6440057 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:54

you obviously don't sleep with women

By CaletheLion | 15

#6440031 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:08

Wow, I didn't know my own hand could punch me like that.

By band_geek | 18

#6440034 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:09

Hope it wasn't beacuse you weren't doing someone else in her sleep and the you in her dream wasn't whispering that to the other person in her dream state. But if she were awake when she did that, well, then!

By TreeTreeMan | 23

#6440036 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:14

That's how you know she's a keeper

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6440038 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 15:21

She could've been frightened by the sudden noise in her ear and punched you