Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying...

By tony456 - 11/07/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 613

You deserved it 24 521

Intimacy

Walk the line

Mama's boy

Good kid

By lindsaykay - 18/04/2012 00:07 - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 019

You deserved it 4 090

Felt cute, might delete myself later

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said, "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said, "Now I know why." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 978

You deserved it 12 398

By Anonymous - 21/06/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 037

You deserved it 1 075

By asdf1851 - 18/02/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, I let my friend who is in 'beauty school' do my hair. I now look like i have a mullet. What was supposed to be auburn highlights is now hot pink. I have a job interview in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 681

You deserved it 36 887

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, it was easter and I thought it might be fun to look for eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note saying 'maybe when you lose weight'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 749

You deserved it 9 536

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 520

You deserved it 38 033

By Nickki - 14/10/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 022

You deserved it 3 584

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 11:45 - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 572

You deserved it 30 150

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 222

You deserved it 4 921

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 15:28 - Canada - Sooke

Today, I had to show up at an anti-drugs lecture with full-blown pink eye. It's from an ongoing bacterial infection, but the speaker said he'd heard that excuse a hundred times before, and shamed me in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 439

You deserved it 3 012

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 15:08 - Denmark

Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 490

You deserved it 1 644

By Anonymous - 08/09/2015 22:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 748

You deserved it 2 855

Cling Alert

By miabun - 14/02/2017 06:02 - United States - Breinigsville

Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 778

You deserved it 879

By stanky - 19/06/2015 14:47 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 242

You deserved it 2 968

By uetlqdja - 21/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 562

You deserved it 7 147

By hitchhiked - 04/01/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 946

You deserved it 85 869

By Anonymous - 04/03/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 097

You deserved it 3 188

By hold your horses pony boy - 18/04/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 149

You deserved it 13 663

By bgoodwin07 - 29/11/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 871

You deserved it 2 860

By silkytaco - 17/02/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 093

You deserved it 44 307

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 182

You deserved it 3 899

By sandysmith - 18/02/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 580

You deserved it 33 957

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 796

By nato - 27/11/2012 13:16 - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 197

You deserved it 2 326

Unreasonable

By shary - 12/01/2021 01:59

Today, I was terminated from my job because my boss “felt like it.” My parents have made it clear to me that if I am ever fired from a job, for any reason, they will kick me out on the street and never speak to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 70

Red alert

By nobleach - 02/07/2009 14:05 - United States

Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 563

You deserved it 13 937

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 004

You deserved it 8 228

By Joel - 28/10/2018 15:30

Today, I got a ticket for doing 38mph in a 45mph zone. Apparently you can be cited for "impeding traffic" even when you're the only car on the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 876

You deserved it 1 064

By fishwizard - 02/06/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 707

You deserved it 3 871

By anon - 18/01/2012 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 417

You deserved it 5 569

By NeedaNosePlug - 26/01/2012 05:19 - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 236

You deserved it 3 198

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 20:01

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 010

You deserved it 839

Lingo

By Anonymous - 14/07/2020 08:02

Today, I was alarmed to hear my daughter's boyfriend talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. She has no children. Turns out he was referring to himself taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 1 382

By Anonymous - 17/06/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 3 011

By justme - 02/11/2013 13:21 - United States - Alliance

Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 711

You deserved it 6 026

Thwack

By Anonymous - 18/01/2016 14:24 - Philippines - Philippine

Today, while entering in my college building, I noticed that my right shoelace was untied and I tied it. I didn't realize that just in front of me was a metal beam until I hit my head hard on it and a loud, reverberating sound was produced. Many people saw what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 581

You deserved it 2 785

By ronnieG - 16/07/2013 16:06 - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 273

You deserved it 8 741

Ruining the moment

By Anali - 28/05/2021 04:01

Today, I saw the girl my ex cheated on me with had her baby. I wrote a comment on her photo about how the baby was a product of her affair with my ex. She disabled her comments and I kept getting DM’s about how I should, "stop being so negative." Apparently infidelity is not frowned upon these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 559

You deserved it 1 556

By Username - 29/05/2019 12:15

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 16/07/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 353

You deserved it 6 069

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Top comments

Blackmail111 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Atleast she swallows...

laurenzo16 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Kids says some funny stuff :)

laurenzo16 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Kids says some funny stuff :)

theaws0m3guy 4

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:17

Goofy goobers.

NoodleBurger 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:20

hot.

aprilmayjune93 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:22

gotta love the things kids say

calichik95 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:40

lick my butthole.

salvorican 24

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:45

Um. That's cute 42

lcecreamNSadness 2

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:50

Her brother is a Hero.

z_hamel 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:01

umm stfu! 48

Epsilonyx 15

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:04

yes plz

garrettsgirl 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:34

haha the things little kids say

nahgemoohc 17

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:36

At least they weren't REALLY swallowing when he walked in

WHOWASTHEPHONE 10

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:44

Would have been weird if he was right. Also isn't it better that he said that instead of "MOM, they're about to have SEX!!!!!!"

OWNZ 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:46

ya, imagine what he would've said if he in walked on them having sex...

StopDropNRoll 11

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:57

they're wrestling?

fthislyfe 22

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:13

alright that was cute! But I wonder how it's an FML!!!

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:25

Because her brother probably stopped the sex they were planning in having. he basically fit cock blocked by a 10 year old

coffeygirl12 14

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:51

haha souds like sumthin my bro would do..& pls excuse the crap spelling (: I'm not grammar crazy..

agaba 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:53

134 u mean a 4 year old

mintcar 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:12

They were just tasting each others DNA, that's all. :D

YacL 15

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:46

There's DNA in peoples hair... they could taste it that way.

partyfool2011 4

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:17

25 the girl was jumping on the guy to make his stomach smaller(fml reference)

YacL 15

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:21

Why would she bother? The woman next door will just get on her knees and blow it back up.

mintcar 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:03

161, what're you talking about? My comment was not a response.

Ns_Visual 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:38

then let's go(; haha nah that's gross....

BADDiam 4

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 14:04

Hey u have the same pic as me..wierd

laurenzo16 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:28

no, I think you have the same picture as me! :O

Kingkiwi 5

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:36

lmfao tht was a good one

lexeous 4

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:43

Nice pic 1.. oh now wait just a second here

Ionodemon1995 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 7:45

Hi Patrick! :D Hi Patrick.. :l Hi again.. patrick -_-

haggymypants 3

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 17:37

common now. who stole my pic?

hellokittay 5

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Thursday 14 July 2011 1:38

4 Patrick's :D

gabestar 4

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Thursday 14 July 2011 9:35

that's soo cute lol

Crncj 0

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Monday 18 July 2011 2:05

at least op was still wearing his clothes

grafixxx687 0

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:03

cuuute

simistar1 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

omg too hilarious haha

Tjack_attack 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:31

at least he didn't stay there and watch

jglenn88 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:44

that's true would have made things a lot more awkward.

whybother8 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:45

couldve been worse. you couldve been eatin eachother out...

spacemanspiff78 7

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:02

"Not yet, kid, but give me about 5 minutes"

JoeTheMan12 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:29

guess it's time to fake CPR?

Blackmail111 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Atleast she swallows...

bobsaggit 3

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:36

lucky bastard

BIEBERSLAYER 10

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:49

he's winning

smgboo 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:12

like Charlie sheen.

Eggers 2

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:54

nice 118, jump on the Charlie Sheen jokes. no one ever uses those.

whatdouwant1237 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:17

dude i found that pic on google

tylersign 11

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:41

Nice 118, you're a killjoy.

Blackmail111 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:18

118 Sigh Charlie sheen isn't winning he's Bi-Winning get your facts straight

theten_fml 9

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 9:52

OPs mind: "I WISH!"

Xx_Dakota_xX 1

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 14:48

3- gears of war is SICK!!! I want the 3rd so bad :D

yvonneftw 6

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

Aww, haha kids.

breezie143 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:16

I am a lifeguard and I had one kid come up to me and say 'lifeguard lifeguard that man over there with the hairy back he is watching your bum'

PaRTy4LyFe 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

kids say the darnest things:)

dhaworth93 8

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:31

hello beautiful lol hit me up would love to talk to you damn straight sexy ;)

hulabird 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:17

that word darnest is like vomit

NirvashType0Spec 7

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:17

I was about to say the same thing lol!

antoniocalos15 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 15:53

is that really your profile pic because if it is i would tap dat

millionaire93 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:13

beat me to it

dlcj22 11

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Tuesday 17 July 2012 11:58

Lol oh yes they def say the funniest things

iChel413 6

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

lol little kids are so funny

el_paso_guy89 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:19

Most definitely!

wolflover44 5

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:37

I love being on top. Lol... Though am currently boyfriendless. :(

jasminea 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:17

122, cool story bro.

proxxX069069 7

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:11

being on tops always fun :]

chancellortrab 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

laying on top?...ooo she's a keeper. ;-)

xoxo_cherri_xoxo 6

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:26

I would give you the thumbs up you deserve but then you would have 70 and there is nothing fun about 70 :P

johnnie254 7

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 6:08

I think all guys like it when a girl is on top

Mythekos 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

LOL.

wordnerd42 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:10

OMNOMNOM.

lmfaoooooooooo 4

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:48

86 I thumbed u up because ur picture is awesome n I didn't know how to show u

LacyWings 3

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

He's trained to spy. Look out!

ym5 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:41

my pickachu is better

mrredkneck 2

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:54

nice pic

LacyWings 3

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:09

Hah. My pikachu isnt off the internet though! :D

Onlynamethatwasn 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

only the girl is swallowing

jackiemoonthepro 5

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:43

why would this get thumbed down?!

alexhoen 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:25

You don't know that. >_>

C4Z 0

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:55

here i thumbed him up (: now hes at 0

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 46

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38

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