Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying...

By tony456 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

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32584

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Intimacy

Commando

Mother of the year

Higher standards

By pathetic_girl - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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10659

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By too bad so sad - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

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46516

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By Anonymous - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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52062

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By preggers - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12516

You deserved it

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By bull-stuff - United States - Columbia

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

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37379

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

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4245

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By Zizi - Norway - Mosj?en

Today, I got punched in the face, had hair ripped out of my skull and broke a tooth on the pavement when I fell. Some guy mistook me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29548

You deserved it

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By Dunzo15 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

201897

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11440

You deserved it

43857

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By useless bosses - Australia - Sydney

Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6497

You deserved it

395

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By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

45176

You deserved it

6178

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emotionally proposed over dinner, and I said yes. Soon after he left, he tweeted "I just fucked up...." and a few minutes later called me and claimed the proposal was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28446

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36921

You deserved it

6052

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By Whatever479 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13689

You deserved it

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By pissingcontest - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19588

You deserved it

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By crazycatlady - United States - Charlotte

Rescue cat

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, and I had to save him. I now have a soggy cat and scratched arms. FML

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6349

You deserved it

815

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By Shenza - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24765

You deserved it

3005

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By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42437

You deserved it

4476

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By RollieCollieUSA - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30625

You deserved it

6602

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47214

You deserved it

4212

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By emancipate my ass

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16603

You deserved it

1546

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By lonesome - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to get into bed noiselessly while pretending I had a boyfriend asleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35476

You deserved it

6202

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By Anonymous - United States

Sounds healthy

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1632

You deserved it

131

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22525

You deserved it

1898

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41447

You deserved it

7012

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By Anonymous

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

I agree, your life sucks

913

You deserved it

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By working_as_usual - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29472

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 04:58 - Germany

Noise annoys

Today, the cows on the neighboring farm have been lowing loudly for 3 days straight. The guy who runs the farm is unreachable. The people who own the farm and live right next to the stable claim they don’t hear a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

635

You deserved it

121

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17967

You deserved it

22650

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By lehonj49 - Australia - Burwood

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50739

You deserved it

3639

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41617

You deserved it

20589

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By mybfthecrossdresser - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36796

You deserved it

3970

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34907

You deserved it

5094

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By Starving Student - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10057

You deserved it

28812

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1968

You deserved it

180

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29820

You deserved it

12576

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By Gaz47

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4191

You deserved it

312

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By Anonymous

Today, I arrived at the house we rented for my sister's engagement party. I was also told that I have to sleep in the most cramped bedroom with my uncle who sounds like a mortally wounded warthog when he snores. I paid for the rental. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2884

You deserved it

270

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By hesaidwhat - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32003

You deserved it

5884

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By Anonymous - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8758

You deserved it

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Top comments

By Blackmail111 | 9

#2870306 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Atleast she swallows...

By laurenzo16 | 0

#2870297 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Kids says some funny stuff :)

COMMENTS

By laurenzo16 | 0

#2870297 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Kids says some funny stuff :)

theaws0m3guy | 4

#2870400 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:17

Goofy goobers.

NoodleBurger | 0

#2870446 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:20

hot.

aprilmayjune93 | 0

#2870467 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:22

gotta love the things kids say

calichik95 | 0

#2870630 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:40

lick my butthole.

salvorican | 24

#2870674 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:45

Um. That's cute 42

lcecreamNSadness | 2

#2870716 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:50

Her brother is a Hero.

z_hamel | 0

#2870812 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:01

umm stfu! 48

Epsilonyx | 15

#2870827 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:04

yes plz

garrettsgirl | 0

#2871319 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:34

haha the things little kids say

nahgemoohc | 17

#2871331 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:36

At least they weren't REALLY swallowing when he walked in

WHOWASTHEPHONE | 10

#2871380 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:44

Would have been weird if he was right.
Also isn't it better that he said that instead of "MOM, they're about to have SEX!!!!!!"

OWNZ | 0

#2871393 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:46

ya, imagine what he would've said if he in walked on them having sex...

StopDropNRoll | 11

#2871742 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:57

they're wrestling?

fthislyfe | 22

#2871810 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:13

alright that was cute! But I wonder how it's an FML!!!

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2871882 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:25

Because her brother probably stopped the sex they were planning in having. he basically fit cock blocked by a 10 year old

coffeygirl12 | 14

#2872037 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:51

haha souds like sumthin my bro would do..& pls excuse the crap spelling (: I'm not grammar crazy..

agaba | 0

#2872057 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:53

134 u mean a 4 year old

mintcar | 9

#2872171 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:12

They were just tasting each others DNA, that's all. :D

YacL | 15

#2872862 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:46

There's DNA in peoples hair... they could taste it that way.

partyfool2011 | 4

#2873031 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:17

25 the girl was jumping on the guy to make his stomach smaller(fml reference)

YacL | 15

#2873045 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:21

Why would she bother? The woman next door will just get on her knees and blow it back up.

mintcar | 9

#2873786 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:03

161, what're you talking about? My comment was not a response.

Ns_Visual | 0

#2874188 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:38

then let's go(; haha nah that's gross....

BADDiam | 4

#2874543 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 14:04

Hey u have the same pic as me..wierd

laurenzo16 | 0

#2876180 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:28

no, I think you have the same picture as me! :O

Kingkiwi | 5

#2876511 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:36

lmfao tht was a good one

lexeous | 4

#2879993 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 5:43

Nice pic 1..
oh now wait just a second here

Ionodemon1995 | 0

#2880657 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 7:45

Hi Patrick! :D Hi Patrick.. :l Hi again.. patrick -_-

haggymypants | 3

#2883451 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 17:37

common now. who stole my pic?

hellokittay | 5

#2886700 - Thursday 14 July 2011 1:38

4 Patrick's :D

gabestar | 4

#2889191 - Thursday 14 July 2011 9:35

that's soo cute lol

Crncj | 0

#2917630 - Monday 18 July 2011 2:05

at least op was still wearing his clothes

grafixxx687 | 0

#3029141 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:03

cuuute

By simistar1 | 0

#2870299 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

omg too hilarious haha

Tjack_attack | 0

#2870535 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:31

at least he didn't stay there and watch

jglenn88 | 0

#2870662 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:44

that's true would have made things a lot more awkward.

whybother8 | 0

#2871032 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:45

couldve been worse. you couldve been eatin eachother out...

spacemanspiff78 | 7

#2871765 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:02

"Not yet, kid, but give me about 5 minutes"

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2871915 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:29

guess it's time to fake CPR?

By Blackmail111 | 9

#2870306 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:08

Atleast she swallows...

bobsaggit | 3

#2870583 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:36

lucky bastard

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2871070 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:49

he's winning

smgboo | 0

#2871538 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:12

like Charlie sheen.

Eggers | 2

#2872070 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:54

nice 118, jump on the Charlie Sheen jokes. no one ever uses those.

whatdouwant1237 | 0

#2872198 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:17

dude i found that pic on google

tylersign | 11

#2872300 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:41

Nice 118, you're a killjoy.

Blackmail111 | 9

#2873033 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:18

118 Sigh
Charlie sheen isn't winning he's Bi-Winning get your facts straight

theten_fml | 9

#2873696 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 9:52

OPs mind: "I WISH!"

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#2874756 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 14:48

3- gears of war is SICK!!! I want the 3rd so bad :D

By yvonneftw | 6

#2870311 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

Aww, haha kids.

breezie143 | 0

#2871229 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:16

I am a lifeguard and I had one kid come up to me and say 'lifeguard lifeguard that man over there with the hairy back he is watching your bum'

By PaRTy4LyFe | 0

#2870314 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

kids say the darnest things:)

dhaworth93 | 8

#2870975 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:31

hello beautiful lol hit me up would love to talk to you damn straight sexy ;)

hulabird | 0

#2872191 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:17

that word darnest is like vomit

NirvashType0Spec | 7

#2874079 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 11:17

I was about to say the same thing lol!

antoniocalos15 | 0

#2875013 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 15:53

is that really your profile pic because if it is i would tap dat

millionaire93 | 0

#2876032 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 19:13

beat me to it

dlcj22 | 11

#4699054 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 11:58

Lol oh yes they def say the funniest things

By iChel413 | 6

#2870316 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

lol little kids are so funny

el_paso_guy89 | 0

#2870921 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:19

Most definitely!

wolflover44 | 5

#2871658 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 4:37

I love being on top. Lol... Though am currently boyfriendless. :(

jasminea | 0

#2871838 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:17

122, cool story bro.

proxxX069069 | 7

#2872168 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:11

being on tops always fun :]

By chancellortrab | 0

#2870320 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:09

laying on top?...ooo she's a keeper. ;-)

xoxo_cherri_xoxo | 6

#2873902 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:26

I would give you the thumbs up you deserve but then you would have 70 and there is nothing fun about 70 :P

johnnie254 | 7

#2880158 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 6:08

I think all guys like it when a girl is on top

By Mythekos | 0

#2870321 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

LOL.

wordnerd42 | 0

#2871192 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:10

OMNOMNOM.

lmfaoooooooooo | 4

#2871409 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:48

86 I thumbed u up because ur picture is awesome n I didn't know how to show u

By LacyWings | 3

#2870325 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

He's trained to spy. Look out!

ym5 | 0

#2870632 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:41

my pickachu is better

mrredkneck | 2

#2870752 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:54

nice pic

LacyWings | 3

#2871187 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:09

Hah. My pikachu isnt off the internet though! :D

By Onlynamethatwasn | 0

#2870328 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 1:10

only the girl is swallowing

jackiemoonthepro | 5

#2871025 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 2:43

why would this get thumbed down?!

alexhoen | 0

#2873062 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 7:25

You don't know that. >_>

C4Z | 0

#2874002 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:55

here i thumbed him up (: now hes at 0