Christmas, the best funniest jokes

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 07:58

Missing the point

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Today, I’m convinced my mother in law comes over every holiday just to make me miserable. She comes in, criticizes me food, snarks then ignores the kids. I dread every holiday and spend it getting drunk and casting F-you glances at my husband. Is it wrong to buy her a casket for the next holiday? Is it really? FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 08:02 - United States - Gwynn Oak

Holiday cheer

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Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 19:59 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Renovations

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Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Deadbeat

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Today, after I spent quite some time getting thoughtful gifts for my friend and her kids ahead of their visit, she made a big fuss about how she'd "forgotten" to bring the gift she'd bought for me. Later, she casually admitted that she'd intentionally not bought me anything because she, "didn't think I'd need it." FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 20:02 - Australia

One-sided

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Today, I always hated not having a boyfriend during holidays, my relatives would always ask me what was wrong with me. I'm married now and my husband always finds a way to skip holiday reunions. My relatives keep on asking me what's wrong with me. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 14:01

Family man

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Today, after spending Christmas alone because my bus home got cancelled due to Covid, I found that I have to spend the New Year alone and potentially homeless because my flight home got cancelled. FML

By Alone - 27/12/2020 13:58 - Italy

Happy Holidays

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Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Influencers

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Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

By Jim - 25/12/2020 02:01

Life choices

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Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

By suuuuuupucci - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Have a good one!

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Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

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Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Merry Christmas, or not

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Today, after our Christmas plans got cancelled because of COVID, to make ourselves feel better we made travel plans somewhere else, which also turned into a red zone the night before our departure, we are now going out for breakfast as our highlight of the year. Thankfully they are open. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 14:06

Little wins matter

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Today, I picked up my 5 year-old son for Christmas break. We were on the way to the airport, talking about Santa and what we were going to do over the break when my fiancée called to tell me that she had been exposed to Covid-19. I took him home to his mom's and missed my flight. FML

By TCRII - 22/12/2020 08:09

The Covid who stole Christmas

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Today, I decided to take my girlfriend out to look at Christmas lights and get hot chocolate. While cleaning my snow-covered truck, I slipped and broke three bones in my ankle, and now need surgery. FML

By Jeremy - 20/12/2020 23:00

Christmas is treacherous

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Today, after I'd mailed my friend her Christmas gifts since we can’t see each other, she called me ranting because the gift I sent her dog only cost $5. According to her, that means I must not really care as her dog is her “baby”. I bought gifts for all 5 of her kids. FML

By Bad friend - 19/12/2020 02:04 - United States

Entitled

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Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

By dazedandconfused - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Happy Holidays!

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Today, as I was walking to go look at Christmas lights in my neighborhood, I really had to go number two. I called my dad to come and pick me up. I couldn’t hold it in much longer, so I took a crap in the sewer in the street. FML

By Andrew Williams - 11/12/2020 14:01

When nature calls

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Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

By Dave - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Christmas Racket

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Today, I legally separated from my wife, after many months of her refusing to do any form of self-care. She doesn't wash, exercise, eat full meals other than fast food and she doesn't make any effort to be involved in me or who I am as a person. Christmas is going to be awkward. FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Blue Christmas

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Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

By Flandre

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Today, I got "Despacito" stuck in my head. FML

By FML Approved - France - Paris

MAKE IT STOP