Health: Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator... - FML

By tryingatkins - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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Vulture

A saint

I don't need to see this

By babysitter - United States

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

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By tryscal - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding and got a $200 ticket. After I pulled away, I decided to warn the next car about the cop up ahead by flashing my headlights. The next car was another cop. He didn't appreciate my "help". FML

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By run4fun - United States

Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn't have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I'd also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I'm hosting a pool party this weekend. FML

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By tommyboy783 - United States

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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By Jopes - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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By WestboroBC - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

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By LiquorChick - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By blah - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By hatestomove - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By bigmouth - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By julieseattle

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By guess28 - Puerto Rico

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

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By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By RyanTheMan15 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

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By SURPRISE - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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By ripped off and blown out

Today, I was driving to visit my parents for the first time in two years. After spending about $4000 to make sure my car wouldn't break down on the journey, around the halfway point, the front tire popped and the engine blew out. I'm about 5 states away from both my parents and my home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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By preggers - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

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By schoolgrlstaci - United States

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:02

Boozehound

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

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By ahhhhhhh

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

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By martin1022 - United States

Today, recent construction has created a manhole that cars slam over every single morning. This normally starts at 4 a.m. as people make their early commute on my busy street. With every car that hits it, there's a huge echoing slamming noise. FML

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By Anonymity - Canada

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

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By Andrew - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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By bigmozwoman - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

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By arh - Australia - Newport

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

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By Kyle - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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Top comments

By boone_fml | 0

#504770 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:06

I hope you didn't get off the elevator. That's some fucked up mean shit to say.

By takemedown | 0

#504774 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:07

wow. just wow.

people are so rude now-a-days.
you were on the elevator first,
what happened to the first come first serve rule?

COMMENTS

By Kervik | 0

#504758 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:02

Haha! Some people do get a bit mean though. They might've been joking anyway, it doesn't seem like something a normal person would just say blatantly.

First! First time for everything. :D

Reply

rjrudman | 0

#505008 - Friday 21 August 2009 17:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

heavenandhell | 0

#505057 - Friday 21 August 2009 18:13

and thats why you have fists

Reply

Mattfail | 0

#505157 - Friday 21 August 2009 19:01

Should have told them to fuck off. You were on the elevator before them, and if they got a problem with that than get off and take the fucking stairs.

Reply

F_fatchick_lives | 0

#505213 - Friday 21 August 2009 19:24

OP was probably really fat, most people tend to be rude to fat people.

Reply

curryndricegirll | 0

#505530 - Friday 21 August 2009 21:23

it doesn't really matter whether the OP was fat or not though. you were there first. i would have told them all to get off, so you could go up by yourself, if they were all concerned. you were there first.

Reply

uguysareidiots | 0

#505648 - Friday 21 August 2009 22:09

YDI for being a fattass.

Here's the secret to losing weight: eat less, move more.

OMG I KNOW RIGHT??!?! BUT ITS SOOOOO HARD!
not.

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#505739 - Friday 21 August 2009 23:03

#103 you took the words right out of my mouth.
Maybe you should take the stairs fatty

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#506357 - Saturday 22 August 2009 3:55

Eating less has nothing to do with losing weight. It is what food you choose to eat. My friend eats absolutely heaps of veges and some meat, and he is fit as fuck. Moving more, I agree.

Reply

raquelspeaking | 0

#519783 - Thursday 27 August 2009 20:58

#103 is (harsh but) right, but you should take a gun to work anyways. FUCK THEM!

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#504759 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:02

YDI for not having Jenny Craig.

By fmlxxxx | 0

#504762 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By boone_fml | 0

#504770 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:06

I hope you didn't get off the elevator. That's some fucked up mean shit to say.

By takemedown | 0

#504774 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:07

wow. just wow.

people are so rude now-a-days.
you were on the elevator first,
what happened to the first come first serve rule?

Reply

aback | 4

#505279 - Friday 21 August 2009 19:54

It's not like the poor fucker can say "SHAZAM" and have the weight magically disappear. We haven't started sending fatties to concentration camps yet, I hope. They're still allowed to exist.

Reply

Vaetrus | 0

#505563 - Friday 21 August 2009 21:36

I think the Governor of California would like a word with you, and some of those elevator people.

Also, should have just sumo wrestled them out. Rude/ignorant people are more of a waste of space.

Reply

Bradley_Dillon | 39

#6303433 - Thursday 28 May 2015 0:51

Unless OP weighs as much as 10 people, the elevator is fine. The elevator would have beeped and not moved until he got off

By DangerMike | 0

#504780 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:10

If you'd have taken the stairs you wouldn't have had this problem in two ways.

Reply

volleyballgirl16 | 0

#504878 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:42

haha nice comment dude
OP- that is very messed up i hope you stayed on and your fat ass shouldve sat on them ha jk

By Rasputia | 0

#504797 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:14

Rasputia hopes you didn't get off, and I hope you punched the cunt who started all this.....how immature =/

Aww! Some people are so mean, just lay off the KFC for a bit :D

Reply

anniebananie | 3

#505419 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:44

You talk in 3rd person? That's cool.

By poopsicle22 | 0

#504824 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:25

you should have pressed all the buttons, gotten off at the next floor, and taken another elevator

Reply

spoo | 24

#504830 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:27

Bingo!

YDI - "im fat fml" are getting old. Stand up for yourself

By iFruit | 0

#504831 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:27

You should try atkins diet. Oh wait, you already are!

By Muffinish | 0

#504846 - Friday 21 August 2009 16:32

I hope you didn't get off, and shove a couple of their scrawny asses out the next floor.