By dogless

Creepy

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

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There's no helping some people

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

F is for Family

By bam.93 - 14/4/2020 17:00

Creepy

Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML

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By razzipost1 - Canada

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 14:00 - Austria - Graz

Debate bro

Today, I realized my boyfriend never argues with me when I'm right, but goes to great lengths when I'm not. As a result, in the five years we've been together, he has won every single argument we ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By AlyssaBC - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from the Unemployment Department saying they had a job referral for me. After excitedly reading the description, I realised it was the job I'd just been fired from (at a much higher pay). If I don't go through the application process, I will be denied my unemployment. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

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By fuckel4 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

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By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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By Boyufd - 14/5/2020 17:00

Deep-seated resentment

Today, I found out why my dad doesn't want my girlfriend coming to our house anymore. Apparently, her dad used to bully him a lot during high school and he's never gotten over it. He's threatened to disown me if she comes back over here. FML

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By LemonLearn - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

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By daddy-to-be - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By WickedRene - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By KillMePlease - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By Veronica - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

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By dwek - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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By NoName - United States

Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML

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By financially_wreckd

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By Tamps - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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By sucks - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

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By Océane Léana K

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

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By raven_teen_titan - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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By schellbytheseashore - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By silly_billy - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

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By Stumble - United States

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By Ashlee - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

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By jobless - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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Top comments

By sel3578898553255 | 7

#7851222 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 6:13

cut a tree and let it fall ontop of his car, then buy him a car air freshener.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851257 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 9:05

Your neighbor really gets the concept of a surprise party.

Weren't you surprised by the gift of a collar from the person who killed your dog? You couldn't possibly have expected it!

COMMENTS

By sel3578898553255 | 7

#7851222 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 6:13

cut a tree and let it fall ontop of his car, then buy him a car air freshener.

By Sarah Yamabo | 15

#7851223 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 6:15

That’s a dark sense of humor...

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7851254 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 8:37

Plot twist: the collar is actually for her. Now that's creepy

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851257 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 9:05

Your neighbor really gets the concept of a surprise party.

Weren't you surprised by the gift of a collar from the person who killed your dog? You couldn't possibly have expected it!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7851324 - Tuesday 15 October 2019 15:42

Were you also gifted a new dog? If not, your neighbor is either very forgetful, or very sick.

By AdorableDoxie | 12

#7851656 - Wednesday 16 October 2019 20:29

Why in the world was that person invited?