Intimacy: Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first... - FML

By someone - 17/09/2013 16:38 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 488

You deserved it 6 892

Empathy lives

Stop talking!

Is this guy Hugh Hefner?

Like glue

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 10:01

Spicy

Today, it's been almost 3 years since my wife has wanted sex, and I get turned down every time I ask. Even when I insist on a romantic date night, we just sit with no idea what to say to each other. How did we drift so far apart? The only thing keeping us together is the mortgage and the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 198

By Randomspaghetti - 15/09/2016 21:11 - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 102

You deserved it 2 306

By asleepinclass - 16/03/2009 17:18 - Poland

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139 790

You deserved it 40 096

By academicloser - 22/02/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn't get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 7 381

By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/02/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Spicy

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 863

You deserved it 58 082

Better out than in

By Anonymous - 06/11/2018 05:00

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later, the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 3 655

By Anonymous - 08/08/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 706

You deserved it 3 762

By Anonymous - 11/06/2018 20:30

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 958

You deserved it 3 447

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 648

You deserved it 2 950

By ch4nny - 29/08/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 189

You deserved it 5 665

By AnonymousOne - 08/12/2016 10:57

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 982

You deserved it 621

I want to ride my bicycle

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 14:02

Today, I decided to ride my bike for the first time in over a year. It was seemingly going well, until I got to the first hill. As I began to ascend, I was trying a bit to hard and shit my pants, 8 kilometers away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 251

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 07:19 - United States - Reno

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 239

You deserved it 28 787

By badwaitress - 05/06/2009 17:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 837

You deserved it 27 179

By 2in longer - 01/11/2016 12:57 - United States - Coldwater

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 765

You deserved it 1 138

By beardedlady - 02/07/2011 06:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said "It turns him on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 971

You deserved it 5 219

By Bianka05 - 19/07/2017 20:00

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 933

You deserved it 935

By sadgf - 29/03/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling on bed watching tv. He gets up at one point and turns the light off and I asked him why. He said "You look better in the dark". FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 837

You deserved it 6 020

By WronglySad619 - 26/01/2011 10:31 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 906

You deserved it 28 506

She'll learn

By alyssa - 01/04/2021 21:30

Today, my four-year-old daughter believes that all women will automatically become pregnant at some point during their lives. At least we don’t have to save for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 1 303

DINOSAURS!!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 23:00

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 820

By fsfs - 17/08/2013 16:27 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 511

You deserved it 5 139

By wolfwolfy - 13/03/2010 07:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 020

You deserved it 13 221

By Lady - 11/01/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 268

You deserved it 44 237

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 07:30 - Canada - Delta

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 468

You deserved it 4 862

By Hth - 15/01/2009 11:14 - United States

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 992

You deserved it 29 789

By pissedoff - 28/06/2016 11:53 - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 816

You deserved it 1 330

By Anonymous - 03/08/2016 18:50 - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 642

You deserved it 1 392

By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 771

You deserved it 4 210

By varsity soccer player - 19/08/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 194

You deserved it 4 534

By apparentlynotengaged - 04/07/2019 11:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 754

You deserved it 280

By TBaggins00 - 21/06/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 221

You deserved it 61 576

By halebop - 06/04/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 612

You deserved it 5 156

By Not dying. - 21/04/2015 07:55 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 961

You deserved it 10 852

By sorry dawg - 29/08/2019 20:00

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 707

You deserved it 297

Bad employee

By Anonymous - 18/05/2021 20:01

Today, I ran into my boss when I was at the beach. He told me he was sorry for my loss. I asked him, "What loss?" Then I remembered I’d lied about taking time off under the pretense of bereavement of my grandmother passing away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 2 556

Astrology for nerds

By badprofessor - 19/09/2014 01:44 - United States - Larchmont

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 664

You deserved it 2 702

By Pooper scooper - 28/01/2014 08:22 - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 584

You deserved it 5 625

By EwFace - 06/06/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 434

You deserved it 8 849

Assumptions

By Wathaveidone - 12/07/2021 02:01

Today, I saw a sketchy looking person frustratingly trying to open a BMW in the parking lot where I work. I ran outside to confront him and call the cops. Turns out, not only was he the owner of that vehicle, but he was one of our company’s biggest donors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 1 187

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Top comments

metalhead4740 14

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:41

Well the man has his priorities straight...

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:41

He might have gotten nervous. Don't worry, it's probably just a one time thing.

Comments

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:41

He might have gotten nervous. Don't worry, it's probably just a one time thing.

michaelaranda 28

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 23:17

Or he just doesnt want to have sex until his rubiks cube is solved. I have a friend who cant sleep unless his rubiks cube is solved.

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 23:59

Knowing that information, just to troll him, I'd put like 10 scrambled Rubik cubes next to his bed to see what would happen

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:13

What if he genuinely thought her "equipment" wasn't good enough?

ChevyRedneck85 13

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:50

Or he's gay? Come lay naked on my bed an see what happens lol

YeahYeahYeahOK 6

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 7:08

While that sucks, he was nervous. Give it time, he will want to solve you rather than that darn cube!

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:53

If that's true, she should find someone who would appreciate her "equipment".

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Friday 20 September 2013 12:45

My bf did that, and he continues to do so sometimes. He may just like doing Rubik's cubes

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Friday 20 September 2013 23:20

yeah,its bit confusing to break the ICE

metalhead4740 14

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:41

Well the man has his priorities straight...

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:56

So we have established that his priorities are straight.. I wonder if he is...

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 3:16

I don't think he's that much straight...

SokDek 14

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 8:43

Well rubiks cubes are much less complicated. ,

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 8:52

He is clearly straight. He's just practicing to find her g spot.

gotaplanstan 28

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Friday 20 September 2013 12:30

I'll say what you won't 70.., he's Sheldon Cooper

justindrew14 29

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:41

sucks for you op

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:59

I like your way better than "theres a button for that"

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 2:12

4: What's the point of this comment?

NoFlippinWai 24

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 9:28

To simply make you ask questions 73. LOOK! it worked.

Aspen_Grace33 27

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:42

Maybe he's been working on that thing forever and he is so close to finishing it! At least you know when it comes time to have sex, he will take his time to do things right!

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 4:27

Get busy with your vibrator while lying beside him. That should get his attention.

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:43

To be fair those things are damn addicting.

Justice_Beaver 13

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:43

He's probably nervous. Maybe he's waiting till marriage??

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:28

Marriage? Why would you wait until marriage

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:46

It is popular among the stridently religious.

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 0:51

If he was that would probably be something that she would be aware of too. That's a pretty big thing to glaze over in a relationship.

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 1:47

If he was waiting until marriage he probably would've let his partner know before it got to the point she had to lay on his bed naked

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 17:47

I'm not even religious and I'm waiting til marriage. And yes. I'm a dude. I think that if I wait it'll be more special.

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 21:07

If he is waiting for marriage I am pretty sure she wouldn't be lying on his bed naked. I also don't think she would be randomely lying there naked without a reason. I know I wouldn't get randomely naked unless something was going to happen. Never know finishing a rubix cube before sex could be a fetish he has or maybe something he feels he must do before sex.

jsgervais84_fml 12

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:43

Give him a chance, he hid preservatives in his rubik cube and his too nervous to solve it. >.>

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 23:31

W-…what?

ElricMustang 23

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 23:48

I'm trying so hard to make sense of that...

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 23:55

Did you mean to say "prophylactic"?

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 3:16

This is a very long shot but "preservative" is the word for condom in some Eastern European languages...maybe that's what was meant?

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 3:19

Oh, jsgervais84 is from Montreal, guess French works too.

skittles_kitten 4

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 3:22

"Preservatif" actually. But yep!

DrownedMyFish 18

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Wednesday 18 September 2013 5:51

40, don't try to do the impossible, you'll hurt yourself.

niallo 23

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:44

Maybe he's loosening up his fingers. Give him a few minutes.

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:45

Did he glace back up at you, put the rubik's cube down and pay you some attention?? He's probably just nervous if it's the first time he's seen you naked!

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 22:46

Are you fat or ugly? Or have bad teeth? or smell? If not then maybe he's one of those gays. Or its one of those rare times where we just don't wanna have sex for some stupid reason. Lol, it happens

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 3

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 210

You deserved it 559

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 758