Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly,...

By goldie09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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20674

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Intimacy

Own it

Don't shoot the messenger

Assumption Day

By BilletsDoudous - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

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33351

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By sisterofthebride - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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35075

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By ihatelongflights - United States

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37681

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By person - United States

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

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54279

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By Username - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

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24042

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By anon - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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42349

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By Joe - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

23208

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Classic brain fart

Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1001

You deserved it

505

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By Ballprankster - 2/4/2021 16:57 - United States - New York

April Fool's

Today, I wanted to prank my husband and filled a kitchen cabinet with tennis balls. Not sure what was funnier, seeing his reaction when all the balls fell out, or the fact that before he got home, I forgot that I had placed the balls there and opened the cabinet myself. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

293

You deserved it

1250

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43356

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10642

You deserved it

791

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41572

You deserved it

3052

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By Kali

Say it ain't so, please

Today, I went to go meet my boyfriend at a restaurant to tell him it just wasn't working out. Before I could do so, he proposed. I had to tell him no, so he started to cry and ran out. Everyone looked at me like some kind of monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1848

You deserved it

379

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By Crunchy - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20406

You deserved it

61160

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosetown

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44667

You deserved it

8531

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By Mike - 27/5/2021 22:01

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

623

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By Anonymous - United States

Criminal Minds

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2540

You deserved it

111

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By Arcanin3Boss - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27293

You deserved it

5994

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By Anonymous

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

649

You deserved it

2086

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By Username - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49403

You deserved it

6667

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By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33063

You deserved it

3135

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By fothermuckerrr - United States

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33967

You deserved it

3303

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29020

You deserved it

2536

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By dramaqueen - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48955

You deserved it

31499

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 11:01

Dementia or hate? You decide

Today, I spent an hour listening to my mother-in-law go over the details of how happy my husband was at his wedding, while she went through the photo album and stared at the pictures. The wedding with his first wife. I spend several days each month with her taking care of her, and she does this kind of thing every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1757

You deserved it

133

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53710

You deserved it

18653

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By NotMacklemore - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36473

You deserved it

3082

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29128

You deserved it

3562

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13443

You deserved it

56971

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By Océane Léana K

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3631

You deserved it

216

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By Pon

Today, my girlfriend bought me a new hockey jersey and donated my old one. My old one was signed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8229

You deserved it

496

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By crippled shopper - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34270

You deserved it

4685

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47413

You deserved it

8658

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By WOCOACH - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44791

You deserved it

5020

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By hoody - United States

Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32401

You deserved it

5885

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32544

You deserved it

13776

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By newscomes - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24532

You deserved it

3550

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By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41089

You deserved it

4087

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By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1300

You deserved it

151

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By Anonymous

Today, I was cuddling with the girl I've been seeing for the past few months. She was saying how much she liked me and how much I meant to her. Reciprocating those feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was a HARD no for her. Then she drove me an hour and a half home. FML

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3128

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Top comments

By IDunnoz | 0

#869959 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:06

better than him being the drummer

By gilly011 | 0

#869953 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:04

WIN for dj hero!

COMMENTS

By gilly011 | 0

#869953 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:04

WIN for dj hero!

bonnieandclyde44 | 0

#869972 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:10

cuuute

sam411411 | 0

#869981 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:11

did he make your bed rock?

Horney4her69 | 0

#870045 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:34

I'm gonna try that; it sounds fun.

lmfao1643 | 3

#870050 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:36

Agreed

marsty | 0

#870381 - Friday 19 February 2010 1:31

LMFAO @ 34

pongmaster | 0

#870534 - Friday 19 February 2010 2:04

W00t for your BF, this is an excellent idea

HeresReality | 0

#870808 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:22

ruh-ruh-rururuh-ruh-REMIX

kniickles | 0

#870905 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:53

this. that was clever.

Villanova23 | 0

#870960 - Friday 19 February 2010 4:09

def have to try this one :)

garuru | 4

#871048 - Friday 19 February 2010 4:33

yo he isnt me (my name is DJ) hahaha

BongBlaster420 | 0

#871470 - Friday 19 February 2010 6:39

10 haha that's a good song

Purpose30 | 0

#871496 - Friday 19 February 2010 6:49

At least he didn't try Rock band (drums mainly)!!!! ouchhh

paramorefan125 | 0

#871517 - Friday 19 February 2010 7:00

ahahaha nice

sucks4Udude | 3

#871687 - Friday 19 February 2010 8:36

lol @2 that songs awesome

andruha1123 | 5

#871742 - Friday 19 February 2010 9:17

why is this a fml?

rbond93 | 4

#872937 - Friday 19 February 2010 20:01

agreed

gomego87 | 0

#874388 - Saturday 20 February 2010 4:36

hey #1, your a meow

depotst | 0

#973870 - Sunday 4 April 2010 6:31

chicka chicka

LauraRoy | 0

#986508 - Thursday 29 April 2010 9:46

hah, my boyfriend did that to me. only it was Christmas time so he had to do it to jingle bells..

Thabb | 0

#988480 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 4:41

What's so bad about it? Sounds fun.

By bobmandude | 0

#869955 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:05

hahaha good boyfriend. try some disco next time! :)

Bl4ck_1c3 | 2

#870139 - Friday 19 February 2010 0:09

no, metal it would be funnier headbanging and headbutting her...

Epicfailz01 | 0

#870716 - Friday 19 February 2010 2:50

you deserve it for fooling around with you're boyfriend

sterl13 | 0

#870764 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:04

fuck you

sterl13 | 0

#870767 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:06

fuck you

jamieboy11 | 0

#878325 - Sunday 21 February 2010 10:32

lol dj hero

hobojo11 | 0

#1653187 - Friday 5 November 2010 7:54

well is he a good dj ?

By IDunnoz | 0

#869959 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:06

better than him being the drummer

pspman789 | 0

#870333 - Friday 19 February 2010 1:18

so true #4

beer01 | 0

#870355 - Friday 19 February 2010 1:24

So true! ESP using his cock as a drum stick.

cam007_fml | 0

#870833 - Friday 19 February 2010 3:29

I'm a drummer.

saunder | 0

#871908 - Friday 19 February 2010 10:19

haaa the best!

By kgraham21 | 0

#869961 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:06

Awesome.

destroyerdj8 | 0

#870163 - Friday 19 February 2010 0:23

I agree.

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#869969 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:09

Real question is, why'd you let him?

By The_Toxic_Mite | 0

#869971 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:09

How the fuck did this get here? :/

unplugged_fml | 0

#870191 - Friday 19 February 2010 0:33

I know, this isn't even an fml...

davemania | 0

#870304 - Friday 19 February 2010 1:11

I actually got confused about this being an FML, thinking that she might have liked it!!!

By T_X_P | 2

#869977 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:10

He was being silly. So?

By akiranozaki | 0

#869983 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:12

Your boyfriend sounds awesome.

Prestigex | 0

#870142 - Friday 19 February 2010 0:11

Well I suppose if the opportunity to get laid doesn't come very often you should be serious. lol.

paramorefan125 | 0

#873044 - Friday 19 February 2010 20:27

fukk yeah!!

By chyeahbro | 0

#869984 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:13

boobs do amazing things to guys, you never can say for sure what affect they'll have

nobridgejustwate | 0

#870136 - Friday 19 February 2010 0:08

yeah, my ex used to sit there and say "woah, it's like, you have breasts, and like... I don't. woah."

purplemnm | 9

#870320 - Friday 19 February 2010 1:14

36 bahahahaha!!!

alli_love | 0

#871278 - Friday 19 February 2010 5:32

lol!! 36 cracks me up xD

By Menick47 | 0

#869992 - Thursday 18 February 2010 23:16

Oh give him some credit! Someone eventually ruins the mood. It'd be a real FML if you killed it by playing with his penis like it was a snake.