Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend... - FML

By horny21 - 21/2/2010 08:19 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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Night terrors

Higher standards

Thanks, I'm cured!

By MrDisgrace - 17/9/2017 13:00

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

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By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 06:05 - United States

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

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By jdsksoapy - 30/3/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

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By torny>horny - 10/4/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:37 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By Jennifer H. - 20/3/2017 14:00

Time travel is possible… via hair salons

Today, I told my new hairstylist that I like Jennifer Aniston's look and that I'm trying to grow my hair out. She gave me the "Rachel" haircut. FML

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By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

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By sharkiewarkiemoosey - 11/10/2013 18:22 - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 05:00

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 22:07 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while walking to work, I sneezed so violently that I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the ground hard, badly spraining my shoulder. I lay there in agony as a pair of bystanders just stood there, laughing their asses off. FML

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By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By pummy - 30/9/2009 00:48 - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By Susan - 18/3/2013 08:59 - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By someone - 29/7/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

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By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By Liz - 1/7/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 15:35 - United States - Pittsfield

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - 3/3/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 16:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By coffeewench - 22/8/2017 04:29

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

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By Murlocmurk - 5/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

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By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

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By that_culinary_degree_though - 13/5/2014 02:46 - United States - Auburn

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

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By thanksgrandpa - 8/3/2016 20:08 - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 15:20 - United States - Reno

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

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By Poopsie - 13/8/2018 06:00

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - 1/4/2015 02:15 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By Massasam - 11/10/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

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By Clorpy - 30/3/2018 07:00

#priceless

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

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By mumblingdope - 25/5/2016 08:52 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By poseidon5213 - 17/5/2012 22:02 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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Top comments

By GirlaftaGirl | 0

#878913 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

You dont need a new body...you need a new boyfriend

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#878955 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:17

^^^^ someone likes their porn

COMMENTS

By mygoodsir | 0

#878904 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:09

maybe he dosent like your body anymore

Reply

zZPedobearZz | 0

#878948 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:15

"OMIGOSH THERES A NAKED WOMAN IN MY ROOM THROW A BaCKPACK AT HER!"

i would do the same... he probably did it by accident because he got scared or something...

Reply

crimewc | 0

#879053 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:45

dang don't u feel bad u need start searching for somebody else u that crazy he have some else stupied ?

Reply

FUDGELOVESME | 0

#879098 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:56

yeah right he probably just didn't want to do it and was tired

Reply

ButtNekked | 0

#879113 - Sunday 21 February 2010 17:02

Backpack = Still in school? Oh god are you in HIGH SCHOOL :0

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#879363 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:32

They probably are in high school. Get married before having sex idiots.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#879410 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:53

STFU 41 no one likes to hear people like you shovel your bullshit on us

Reply

doink | 0

#879520 - Sunday 21 February 2010 19:47

Ever heard of college? Some people bring backpacks to their jobs, too.

Reply

mittensbum16 | 0

#879620 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:12

I carry a backpack and I'm in college it doesn't necessarily mean that you're still in high school

Reply

thor89 | 0

#879695 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:33

Your a stupid cunt with a black eye

Reply

Goofalie | 0

#880535 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:57

41 your a douche bag who are you to judge what they do in there sex life you just jealous cause you don't get any at all and prolly never will

Reply

rap33r100 | 0

#881245 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:40

r u serius these years girls have sex before 13 for god sake

Reply

Pail17 | 0

#881466 - Monday 22 February 2010 7:12

^ very true.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#882294 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:05

and boys? Boys have sex before 13, too, right?
no one should be having sex at 13 but let's not pretend it's worse for girls to be having sex. a guy gets a girl pregnant and his life is pretty much fucked too.

Reply

showrunner | 0

#931210 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:44

number 53 I second your motion

Reply

brainiac94 | 0

#1005970 - Monday 24 May 2010 22:27

hi

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#1734019 - Monday 22 November 2010 11:17

41 I love your pic:)

Reply

TheLadWhoLived | 0

#2284052 - Sunday 3 April 2011 5:07

Illiteracy's a bitch...

Reply

shumian | 4

#2421625 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:22

rofl "he got scared"

Reply

PoTnOoto | 7

#6642259 - Sunday 3 July 2016 12:17

There's this thing called college, I think you guys should try it

By NikAero | 0

#878908 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:09

nvm

By GirlaftaGirl | 0

#878913 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

You dont need a new body...you need a new boyfriend

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4560824 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 12:32

No shit!!!!

By J0yce | 0

#878914 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

Were you that desperate for sex at the moment...?

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#878928 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:13

How rude!

Reply

Middrslife | 0

#879344 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:26

#4 I have to agree, was she really that desperate? lol

By taycandy96 | 2

#878939 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:13

that sounds like it should be in a movie

Reply

AlcaSMT | 0

#879003 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:30

Agree~

Reply

maskedman | 9

#879261 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:05

National Lampoon is probably working on it right now.

By HamsteronA | 0

#878941 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:14

don't lie on the bed posing, as soon as he comes in, push him aginst the wall and start. and don't start naked, then there's nothing to build up to. start in ur underwear

Reply

LemonMan | 0

#879664 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:23

#7 has obviosly experienced something like this before

Reply

ImThePope | 2

#1848672 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:21

Sounds interesting. Haha, care to share some more? (; Just kidding. You don't know what he did at "school" so don't get your hopes up OP! Maybe he wants to take a nap first?

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#878955 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:17

^^^^ someone likes their porn

Reply

cady2 | 0

#878992 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:29

FTW :)

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#881429 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:59

lol I was thinking the same thing

By CallMeHush | 0

#878959 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

Well who wants to screw some girl with a big honkin black eye?

Then again the pretend rapist might.

By jack8765 | 0

#878960 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

lol maybe he's in the closet and wanting to come out

By perdix | 29

#878966 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

At least he gave a toss.

No, really, it's game over, man. Move on, nothing to see here.