Intimacy: Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend... - FML

By horny21 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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Commando

Property law

The ole answer/forward conundrum

By Lukev7 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

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By Sticky floor

Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

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By jibjab - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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By CabbageFart92

Thanks, I hate it

Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML

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By grampsisgay - United States

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By CircleBruise - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

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By Madi - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

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By Ren - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

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By screwyoucompany

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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By slappedright - United States

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year old girl in the face. FML

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By Freechbear - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By armtits and big pits - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, and on the way back was rear ended in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 02:00

Stealth dog

Today, while I was sitting in a waiting room to be seen, my service dog (who was tucked under the bench I was sitting) let out the most vile, silent but deadly fart. The person near me retched and heaved, and I got death glares while someone sprayed their old lady perfume to mask the smell. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By greenchan - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

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By no money anymore - United States

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML

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By Takegami

Today. I had my first final exam. That would be fine if I hadn’t gotten sick 4 days ago. No one can go get my antibiotics, I feel like I’m dying and I can’t miss these exams under any circumstance. FML

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By robotchickens - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

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By transcendingnerd - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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By Em - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

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By bookbroke - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out that someone found my lost library card, and instead of returning it, took out multiple items. If they don't return them, I'm on the hook to paying over $100 for them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Petrolia

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

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By me - United States - Carthage

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML

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By not saying it was whores, but... - United States

Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML

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By Anon - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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Top comments

By GirlaftaGirl | 0

#878913 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

You dont need a new body...you need a new boyfriend

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#878955 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:17

^^^^ someone likes their porn

COMMENTS

By mygoodsir | 0

#878904 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:09

maybe he dosent like your body anymore

Reply

zZPedobearZz | 0

#878948 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:15

"OMIGOSH THERES A NAKED WOMAN IN MY ROOM THROW A BaCKPACK AT HER!"

i would do the same... he probably did it by accident because he got scared or something...

Reply

crimewc | 0

#879053 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:45

dang don't u feel bad u need start searching for somebody else u that crazy he have some else stupied ?

Reply

FUDGELOVESME | 0

#879098 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:56

yeah right he probably just didn't want to do it and was tired

Reply

ButtNekked | 0

#879113 - Sunday 21 February 2010 17:02

Backpack = Still in school? Oh god are you in HIGH SCHOOL :0

Reply

xlostwithoutu | 0

#879363 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:32

They probably are in high school. Get married before having sex idiots.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#879410 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:53

STFU 41 no one likes to hear people like you shovel your bullshit on us

Reply

doink | 0

#879520 - Sunday 21 February 2010 19:47

Ever heard of college? Some people bring backpacks to their jobs, too.

Reply

mittensbum16 | 0

#879620 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:12

I carry a backpack and I'm in college it doesn't necessarily mean that you're still in high school

Reply

thor89 | 0

#879695 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:33

Your a stupid cunt with a black eye

Reply

Goofalie | 0

#880535 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:57

41 your a douche bag who are you to judge what they do in there sex life you just jealous cause you don't get any at all and prolly never will

Reply

rap33r100 | 0

#881245 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:40

r u serius these years girls have sex before 13 for god sake

Reply

Pail17 | 0

#881466 - Monday 22 February 2010 7:12

^ very true.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#882294 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:05

and boys? Boys have sex before 13, too, right?
no one should be having sex at 13 but let's not pretend it's worse for girls to be having sex. a guy gets a girl pregnant and his life is pretty much fucked too.

Reply

showrunner | 0

#931210 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:44

number 53 I second your motion

Reply

brainiac94 | 0

#1005970 - Monday 24 May 2010 22:27

hi

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#1734019 - Monday 22 November 2010 11:17

41 I love your pic:)

Reply

TheLadWhoLived | 0

#2284052 - Sunday 3 April 2011 5:07

Illiteracy's a bitch...

Reply

shumian | 4

#2421625 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:22

rofl "he got scared"

Reply

PoTnOoto | 7

#6642259 - Sunday 3 July 2016 12:17

There's this thing called college, I think you guys should try it

By NikAero | 0

#878908 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:09

nvm

By GirlaftaGirl | 0

#878913 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

You dont need a new body...you need a new boyfriend

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4560824 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 12:32

No shit!!!!

By J0yce | 0

#878914 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:10

Were you that desperate for sex at the moment...?

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#878928 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:13

How rude!

Reply

Middrslife | 0

#879344 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:26

#4 I have to agree, was she really that desperate? lol

By taycandy96 | 2

#878939 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:13

that sounds like it should be in a movie

Reply

AlcaSMT | 0

#879003 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:30

Agree~

Reply

maskedman | 9

#879261 - Sunday 21 February 2010 18:05

National Lampoon is probably working on it right now.

By HamsteronA | 0

#878941 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:14

don't lie on the bed posing, as soon as he comes in, push him aginst the wall and start. and don't start naked, then there's nothing to build up to. start in ur underwear

Reply

LemonMan | 0

#879664 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:23

#7 has obviosly experienced something like this before

Reply

ImThePope | 2

#1848672 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:21

Sounds interesting. Haha, care to share some more? (; Just kidding. You don't know what he did at "school" so don't get your hopes up OP! Maybe he wants to take a nap first?

By Jen_J_the_J | 0

#878955 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:17

^^^^ someone likes their porn

Reply

cady2 | 0

#878992 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:29

FTW :)

Reply

harryman04 | 0

#881429 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:59

lol I was thinking the same thing

By CallMeHush | 0

#878959 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

Well who wants to screw some girl with a big honkin black eye?

Then again the pretend rapist might.

By jack8765 | 0

#878960 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

lol maybe he's in the closet and wanting to come out

By perdix | 29

#878966 - Sunday 21 February 2010 16:19

At least he gave a toss.

No, really, it's game over, man. Move on, nothing to see here.