Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle...

By craphanded - 19/7/2011 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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Animals

Relationships sink

Nice neighborhood

Whatthefuckaburger

By Anonymous - 1/6/2010 16:43 - United States

Today, I finally convinced my son to use the potty. Later, he saw a show on TV about a toilet monster. Now he's too scared to even step foot into the bathroom. Here's to another few months of diaper changes. FML

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By hairdresser - 18/10/2009 15:27 - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By brokeandalone - 30/7/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

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By janae - 6/8/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By caempa - 29/12/2011 18:13 - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

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By juice723 - 20/11/2013 11:09 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By lindsay - 28/10/2019 00:01

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By Freezing - 24/3/2020 05:06

It's frostbite time!

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

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By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

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By Belgian girl - 22/3/2017 19:00 - United States - Lewes

Today, I became my one night stand's shrink as he went through the process of realising he might be bisexual. FML

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By Ouch - 17/3/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

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By fmyarse - 22/7/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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By Anonyme - 27/3/2015 09:50 - France - Laill

Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By nikko blue - 20/12/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - 2/10/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By Revalation - 27/8/2011 23:06 - United States

Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML

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By MsConfusedd - 1/9/2012 04:30 - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

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By Embarrassed - 22/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By ge fu yo twa - 25/6/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 14:14 - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

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By doggone - 14/7/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

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By jakewr - 2/7/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

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By joanikens - 14/11/2016 07:20

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

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By Hairball - 1/9/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By lifeguard down - 1/8/2010 04:23 - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - 10/5/2014 21:32 - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

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By j0j0 - 19/11/2008 03:44 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

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By fr1day - 21/1/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I catch the train and I am forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumps off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumps on so I shuffle over so she can sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train i notice my pants are wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By nicegirl08 - 20/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

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By bdayboy - 11/1/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

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By Jograd - 25/9/2012 17:13 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

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By cherrycokeee - 6/2/2010 18:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

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By dinosaurboy - 6/2/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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Top comments

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2933842 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:02

Well at least you tried to help it.

By mk58 | 31

#2933881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

That's how it thanks you. Tsk tsk. This generation of birds are disrespectful.

Comments

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2933842 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:02

Well at least you tried to help it.

fanceh | 10

#2933903 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:09

get pooped on! :)

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2933931 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:10

He was mad you ruined its suicide attempt.

DeepDownThere | 3

#2933984 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:16

Tried being the key word.

7mood75 | 7

#2933989 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:16

Don't you know about the bird?

theaws0m3guy | 4

#2934036 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:22

A-b-b-bird bird bird. The bird is the word!

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#2934051 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:25

Hmmm, I was aware that everyone had heard...

flockz | 19

#2934089 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:29

sounds like an angry bird.

Jakaroo | 0

#2934100 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:30

man,that guy just got punked by a bird!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2934143 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:35

why do so many FMLs involve shit lately? it's like we are going through a shitocolypse

flockz | 19

#2934164 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:38

i know if i hear "well that sounds like a shitty situation" one more time.... i just might shit myself.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2934309 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:00

wow, 45, that would be a shitty situation, too!

shitty situations

wordnerd42 | 0

#2934385 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:15

You didn't save my life; you ruined my death!! Now all the superheros like OP will have to go into hiding..

extrovertical | 0

#2934703 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:27

it was aware of your intentions

daisyloo | 7

#2934706 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:29

It's the thought that counts:)

bubble25_fml | 5

#2934721 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:36

why do birds suddenly appear every time that we're near?

flockz | 19

#2934739 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:42

56- (soils trousers) you... fucking... asshole.

justanothagirl | 0

#2934809 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:08

shit happens

fmlwmty | 0

#2934902 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:58

well that could be a good thing... do you have a poop fetish?

cfalen | 0

#2935037 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:00

op have you ever heard if angry birds?...

Drigr | 8

#2935114 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:17

62- incredibles reference?

changetheworld | 0

#2935609 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:43

Well I admire your compassion for animals.

wordnerd42 | 0

#2935944 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 7:52

109 - He'll yes! I'm happy the reference was picked up! xD

wordnerd42 | 0

#2935952 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 7:55

^Lol, autocorrect failure..

Mr_Saikaly | 35

#2936076 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:24

well you did what you were supposed to do, so well done :)

dre_bro11 | 12

#2937649 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 14:46

Flockz, don't forget to write an FML about it...

zakkbeckett | 0

#2940749 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:33

that was a shitty situation

alyssaroxs | 4

#4823549 - Thursday 16 August 2012 23:24

Teehee

By sockmunky | 3

#2933843 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:03

this is why i hate some birds

Newboyz00185 | 0

#2934817 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:10

Constipation
Don't underestimate it.

goaliemkl123 | 8

#2935083 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:12

really?? you dont like birds Bc you once tried to help one and it dumped on u then flew off. is this a common occurrence?????

sockmunky | 3

#2935445 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:14

^^ wow smartass maybe this is an example of why i don't like birds

PushMyButtons | 5

#2935600 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:42

you scared him shitless

By knights95 | 9

#2933874 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:05

pwned*

By mk58 | 31

#2933881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

That's how it thanks you. Tsk tsk. This generation of birds are disrespectful.

wordnerd42 | 0

#2934366 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:11

I know, birds these days.. back in the old days, the worst they'd do is window kamikaze, now they're learning new tricks!

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3428763 - Friday 14 October 2011 5:02

"constipation" it can kill.

By baddud300 | 6

#2933883 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

Just be happy it wasn't one of those black bomb birds.

imosim | 0

#2934530 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:40

angry birds reference anyone?

7mood75 | 7

#2934624 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:02

apparently not..

WOGBRO | 6

#2938184 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 16:13

Very happy

By DelilahLoyla | 1

#2933887 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

it just had gas

jacob12311 | 4

#2935704 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:56

I like your picture

By kris2335 | 0

#2933888 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

GOLD STAR FOR TRYING(:

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2934043 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:23

But no cookie... those are all mine...

volley4eva1698 | 0

#2934125 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:32

I got 99 cookies, cuz a bitch ate one

wolflover44 | 5

#2934839 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:21

Damn it! That was your cookie?

veritasdgg | 0

#2936042 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:15

Way to beautiful

By hippie_lover123 | 6

#2933891 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:07

bahahahahaha

By ambeeelove | 0

#2933940 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:11

maybe he was tryna commit suicide lls

By RabidBunny | 10

#2933946 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:12

Strange? Every time I approach an uninjured bird it tends to fly away. I don't know it might just be my face...