Animals: Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle...

By craphanded - United Kingdom

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

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Animals

And today, on Dr Phil…

Headache

Mind your own beeswax

By just about pissed off - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By how many?!

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

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2041

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

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By whippingpost - 8/3/2020 04:56

Drunken lout

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

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1424

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By madessalarouge - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

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2583

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By Thoughtless Wife

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By LL - United States - Seattle

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

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22982

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By hnickell93 - United States - Visalia

Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML

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By arrrrggggghhhh - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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By ari

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

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By jezusflowers - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

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By dman92

Run Away

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

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By Dumped and pregnant

Today, my ex dumped me for his ex that cheated on him. Today, I also found out I am pregnant. When I told him he said, "I’m really happy for you. I hope it all works out." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

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2432

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By acw2110 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

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73481

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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39545

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

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By iliterallypoopedmyself - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

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30672

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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15012

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By This sucks

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

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By yarenis - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

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By clothesthief - Australia - Ivanhoe

Today, I finally had nice enough weather to dry my clothes on the washing line. Two hours later, all my clothes were stolen. FML

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31645

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 09:02 - Romania

Fandoms are weird

Today, even three months after seeing 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', I can’t think about anything or anyone except Saavik anymore. FML

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256

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By FuckedOver - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

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24710

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

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44907

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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13251

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By Jeff - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with my girlfriend. I asked if she was going to finish her meal, hoping to steal a bite or two. She somehow took this as me calling her fat, threw her drink at me, and stormed off. I just wanted some steak. FML

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52492

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By rosesareyellow - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15018

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By Kitty - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me he needed to reconsider coming to see me for financial reasons. I'm the one paying for the airfare, giving him a place to stay, and covering his expenses while he's here. FML

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By dannyboy - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, an old lady savagely shoved me out of a queue, after I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I couldn't bring myself to fight back or say anything, and ended up dragging my sorry arse to the back of the queue. FML

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Top comments

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2933842 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:02

Well at least you tried to help it.

By mk58 | 31

#2933881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

That's how it thanks you. Tsk tsk. This generation of birds are disrespectful.

COMMENTS

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2933842 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:02

Well at least you tried to help it.

fanceh | 10

#2933903 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:09

get pooped on! :)

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2933931 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:10

He was mad you ruined its suicide attempt.

DeepDownThere | 3

#2933984 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:16

Tried being the key word.

7mood75 | 7

#2933989 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:16

Don't you know about the bird?

theaws0m3guy | 4

#2934036 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:22

A-b-b-bird bird bird. The bird is the word!

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#2934051 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:25

Hmmm, I was aware that everyone had heard...

flockz | 19

#2934089 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:29

sounds like an angry bird.

Jakaroo | 0

#2934100 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:30

man,that guy just got punked by a bird!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2934143 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:35

why do so many FMLs involve shit lately? it's like we are going through a shitocolypse

flockz | 19

#2934164 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:38

i know if i hear "well that sounds like a shitty situation" one more time.... i just might shit myself.

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2934309 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:00

wow, 45, that would be a shitty situation, too!

shitty situations

wordnerd42 | 0

#2934385 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:15

You didn't save my life; you ruined my death!! Now all the superheros like OP will have to go into hiding..

extrovertical | 0

#2934703 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:27

it was aware of your intentions

daisyloo | 7

#2934706 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:29

It's the thought that counts:)

bubble25_fml | 5

#2934721 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:36

why do birds suddenly appear every time that we're near?

flockz | 19

#2934739 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:42

56- (soils trousers) you... fucking... asshole.

justanothagirl | 0

#2934809 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:08

shit happens

fmlwmty | 0

#2934902 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:58

well that could be a good thing... do you have a poop fetish?

cfalen | 0

#2935037 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:00

op have you ever heard if angry birds?...

Drigr | 9

#2935114 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:17

62- incredibles reference?

changetheworld | 0

#2935609 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:43

Well I admire your compassion for animals.

wordnerd42 | 0

#2935944 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 7:52

109 - He'll yes! I'm happy the reference was picked up! xD

wordnerd42 | 0

#2935952 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 7:55

^Lol, autocorrect failure..

Mr_Saikaly | 35

#2936076 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:24

well you did what you were supposed to do, so well done :)

dre_bro11 | 12

#2937649 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 14:46

Flockz, don't forget to write an FML about it...

zakkbeckett | 0

#2940749 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 22:33

that was a shitty situation

alyssaroxs | 4

#4823549 - Thursday 16 August 2012 23:24

Teehee

By sockmunky | 3

#2933843 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:03

this is why i hate some birds

Newboyz00185 | 0

#2934817 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:10

Constipation
Don't underestimate it.

goaliemkl123 | 8

#2935083 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:12

really?? you dont like birds Bc you once tried to help one and it dumped on u then flew off. is this a common occurrence?????

sockmunky | 3

#2935445 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:14

^^ wow smartass maybe this is an example of why i don't like birds

PushMyButtons | 5

#2935600 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:42

you scared him shitless

By knights95 | 9

#2933874 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:05

pwned*

By mk58 | 31

#2933881 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

That's how it thanks you. Tsk tsk. This generation of birds are disrespectful.

wordnerd42 | 0

#2934366 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:11

I know, birds these days.. back in the old days, the worst they'd do is window kamikaze, now they're learning new tricks!

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3428763 - Friday 14 October 2011 5:02

"constipation" it can kill.

By baddud300 | 6

#2933883 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

Just be happy it wasn't one of those black bomb birds.

imosim | 0

#2934530 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 1:40

angry birds reference anyone?

7mood75 | 7

#2934624 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 2:02

apparently not..

WOGBRO | 6

#2938184 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 16:13

Very happy

By DelilahLoyla | 1

#2933887 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

it just had gas

jacob12311 | 4

#2935704 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 6:56

I like your picture

By kris2335 | 0

#2933888 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:06

GOLD STAR FOR TRYING(:

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2934043 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:23

But no cookie... those are all mine...

volley4eva1698 | 0

#2934125 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:32

I got 99 cookies, cuz a bitch ate one

wolflover44 | 5

#2934839 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 3:21

Damn it! That was your cookie?

veritasdgg | 0

#2936042 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:15

Way to beautiful

By hippie_lover123 | 6

#2933891 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:07

bahahahahaha

By ambeeelove | 0

#2933940 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:11

maybe he was tryna commit suicide lls

By RabidBunny | 10

#2933946 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 0:12

Strange? Every time I approach an uninjured bird it tends to fly away. I don't know it might just be my face...