Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband told me that the only reason he took up jogging 4 years ago was because my mother moved in next door to us and he knew it would kill my sex drive. We haven’t had sex in 4 years. FML
Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML
Today, I found out that I bought a house next door to crazy people. She asked me if I would mind not showering when her husband is at home, because he can hear me and knowing I’m naked on the other side of the wall turns him on, which is a nuisance for her. He’s unemployed. He’s always at home, the creep. FML
Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML
Today, I just moved to a new house so I was looking for new jogging routes. I ended up in an area I was unaware was a big dogging hotspot. Two couples invited me to threesomes, and when I said no and tried to leave, I had stones and litter thrown at me. FML
Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML
Today, I attempted a casual jog in my neighborhood. Halfway through, my shoelace snapped, and I tripped, skidding across someone’s lawn. The homeowner rushed out, not to help, but to ask why I was “attacking” their grass. FML
Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML
Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML
Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML
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Top comments
kayladance101 13
Well if his wife wont have sex with him, maybe she'll do it with you! Give it a try :)
cooperd52 6
That's assault. Why dont you report him?
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Comments (183)
mfelax9556 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
y does he think that?
LemonBlue 0
I'm assuming it's because he's more attractive than you
Fruit_Dealer 9
OP must be fit while the neighbor is lazy and fat?
TruthBeTold36 3
Kick his ass, seabass!
urdirtyolduncle 15
Today, and everyday, my wife won't have the sex with me because of my hot neighbor's jogging around the block. FML.
booboojlc 0
If you were Chuck Noris that wouldn't have happened
LouisianaBob 9
I guess the only option left is for you to satisfy his wife like she wants. That or call the police either one
HomeAl0ne 20
You're a ginger, aren't you? Go on, admit it, you sly dog!
hercs95 0
I would have went to his house when he's at work ;D
kayladance101 13
Well if his wife wont have sex with him, maybe she'll do it with you! Give it a try :)
skeezle 0
genius!!
MuziKMajoR 5
Opportunity
trgower13 0
Winning!!
CrazyManNo9 29
WIN!
FMMFL1992 3
Yeah get back at him by banging his wife everyday.
mamapleaz 0
Yes be an opportunist!
slappomatt 4
I was going to post that. Go bang his wife!
hercs95 0
I would have went to his house when he's at work ;D
asterik99 3
When opportunity kicks you in the stomach,.. Well you know.
Sp4wn 17
That's cheating? Even if the guy is an asshole he doesn't deserve to get cheated on.
aspecialspecial 21
@184 the only decent person here! Thank you! No one deserves to be cheated on and OP would be even worse than the guy who kicked him if he banged the guys wife like a piece of shit
cooperd52 6
That's assault. Why dont you report him?
spamky 7
Agreed, tell the police
36591951 9
No such thing as assault in Georgia
13FTW 9
If it's georgia, then it's probably his sister anyway.
Levvy 22
OP didn't deserve to be battered, but his continuing fear is purely his own fault for not pursuing police involvement after being the victim of a crime.
RaiEllati 2
aha I duno if it's just me but i prefer solving such small matters myself instead of relying on the authorities first.
Daralea 21
60 - OP got attacked and kicked in the gut, and it appears this happened without him provoking things. How is that such a small matter?
chelseaaababyyy 17
i agree with 60. i would have beat his ass, you just look like a ****** calling the police.
mike3775 39
#60, assault is not a small matter, its a serious matter. If the OP went back tomorrow and clotheslined and kicked the guy in the stomach, and that guy called the cops, the OP would be charged. Someone assaults me, they get to wear the metal wrist bracelets and pay to come back home. This ay they get what they deserve, and I do not have to go to jail either
RensM 22
isnt't the first amendment the right to sue. perfect for these things
yousodi 10
Wtf
ckyorelse 18
Wow 78 you're a dumbass
intothecrypt 3
I don't know what the **** 78's talking about but in this situation I'd prefer the 2nd amendment, especially if it was the fat guy down the street from me who refuses to jog and has a hot wife and who's stupid dog never shuts up, and... whoops, maybe I'll post my own FML. or force him too...
SimpleMinds_fml 7
Hey #78, unless you're Michele Bachmann I expect you to understand the constitution. The 1st amendment does not refer to right to sue, nor does any other amendment.
AliSama 17
assault and battery in the usa. assault is only threatening, battery is touching. He is in georgia. the guy will be taken to jail and charged.
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Looks like somebody (#78) failed U.S. History. D:
ck11_fml 1
Or just kick his ass. It sounds like the OP is more fit than his neighbor, yet he ran away when some random dude kicked him? Is his neighbor Asian with crazy martial arts skills? Bc I'm really having trouble imagining how some dude kicked him in the stomach anyway Anyway, man up OP. Kick this dudes ass then **** his wife. Not necessarily in that order.
michael666 7
snitch, handle him yourself with a 12 gauge mossberg 500
michael666 7
pussy, get a gun
sasha_kay 4
Get back at him by ******* his wife :]
Jovecove 13
I like that. :)
jeob1992 8
Repeatedly....
FreakoHolm 6
Lol pretty girls always gets lots of thumbs up
JiggaJayZ 16
Or maybe she just had a good comment...
ericb8272 2
She got a lot of thumbs up because she's a pretty girl talking about *******... That's thumbs up all day long
maphineRAWRS 10
Because your really fit from jogging all the time? Well I think the solution here is obvious. Sleep with his wife, make him angry and realize he needs to jog, like yourself, to gwt sexy so his wife will sleep with him. Then offer him a paid work out session and bam. You get sex, and money. All problems solved.
Jovecove 13
That's If he don't kill OP for ******* his wife, since just by jogging around OP gets a kick in the stomach.
maphineRAWRS 10
That was supposed to be the joke. :( haha I obviously failed then :P
MuziKMajoR 5
I agree with you sexy blonde
trgower13 0
Don't worry I understood the joke :) some ppl just can't comprehend.
JokerJohn7 0
He could do all that without sleeping with his wife and getting slaughtered...
maphineRAWRS 10
but where's the fun in that?!
demonspeed 0
That is the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say. About anything.
demonspeed 0
That is the smartest thing I've heard anyone say...about anything.
badluckattack238 0
You must not get out much.
philitron128 0
Will you marry me?
dasteve 0
WIN
baby4mommy 27
I suspect the real reason the neighbors wife won't sleep with him is that she wants her husband to start exercising and get in shape. As far as being scared to leave the house you might consider going to the police. I think in many area he could be charged with assault.
ikickgingers 15
Buy him some px90 workout videos and tell his wife to get off dick.
ikickgingers 15
Off your*. Effing dammit.
Pebbles89 9
#7 it's p90x lol, sorry I had to :)
lacey6195 4
P90X
nadhirah 4
He should do something bout himself instead of pushing the blame on you :) maybe he should have joined you for a jog instead.
sseberly 11
Jog around his house in circles from now on. That'll show him.
mistersheezy 7
You should've ran faster........and drop kicked him.