Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving...

By andrea99 - 3/10/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Vultures

Headache

By unlicensed - 1/8/2012 16:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

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By KathleenSchuler - 5/3/2013 03:38 - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By katie - 27/1/2010 20:03 - France

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

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By Jedi2500 - 15/2/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By Ramis182 - 3/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

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By blondebarbie271 - 26/7/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

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By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

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By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

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By Nicholasand - 23/11/2009 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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By WretchedOwls - 3/3/2016 23:59 - United States - Barberton

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

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By jenabp - 3/1/2011 18:56 - United States

Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

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By badtiming - 15/9/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By Not Wanted - 7/9/2014 01:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By ShowerGirl - 30/4/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

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By chunderful202 - 24/12/2012 08:46 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By Jaymz - 26/6/2018 15:00

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By Loveless - 10/9/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

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By dirk855 - 18/1/2009 10:29 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

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By FullCircleProblem - 27/1/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

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By jsw029 - 26/2/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

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By moosemay - 6/2/2016 11:42 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

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By Agathus - 10/11/2011 14:35 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

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By chumleevil - 8/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By Birthday Surprise - 26/5/2014 21:18 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 18:54 - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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By mayoshampoo - 1/9/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By Embarrassed - 22/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2017 12:00

I miss the hungry years…

Today, my cat let a mouse sit on his paws for several minutes, then just sat and watched as it scurried into a crack in the drywall. My cat is only 4. FML

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By pitytitty - 9/1/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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By manicmandy - 1/8/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By Chubsley - 21/2/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By jamisbetter - 11/4/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 12:53 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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By ConstructionLady - 13/11/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

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Top comments

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

Comments

By xeldawyn | 14

#1492488 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

That's terrible!

cole86 | 0

#1492647 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:42

u lucky buthole now ye have a tarry free dinner!

Skiittleez | 0

#1493409 - Monday 4 October 2010 0:20

Yeah thats pretty terrible. And op had to take it off his windshield haha grossss

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1494381 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:01

ggvif

EffinAhole | 0

#1494865 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:54

It's not like a dead mouse (or whatever small animal it was) landing on your windshield would dirty up your clean car.

By guiltypleasure12 | 0

#1492492 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

and now you have dinner!

rottentomatoes | 7

#1492569 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:22

hm.. great, Burger King ^^

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492592 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:28

eww. lol. I wonder what animal it was.

zp5 | 4

#1493202 - Sunday 3 October 2010 23:00

14 i didn't know vultures could carry cows...

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1494161 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:37

chicken, perhaps? (/

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

randomchickkk | 0

#1494910 - Monday 4 October 2010 5:08

haha ouch. that's harsh.

craziemane | 0

#1495092 - Monday 4 October 2010 6:18

boob cleavage

Matu | 4

#1498674 - Monday 4 October 2010 20:40

lol 100

d4_user | 5

#1719664 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:46

boobs

By corrector_fml | 0

#1492507 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

free food, what are you complaining about?

By Chunchunchun | 3

#1492514 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

Be happy! You saw nature in action!

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By sanem0808238036 | 0

#1492523 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

that sucks arse man:/

By Spastastic | 6

#1492527 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

This is worded kind of terribly...

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1492753 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:05

and punctuated very badly.

Spastastic | 6

#1492966 - Sunday 3 October 2010 21:13

Indeed.

Spastastic | 6

#1493117 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:20

Well, the mods fixed it now.

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1493199 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:59

Oh good. I thought I was hallucinating decent grammar where it wasn't.

andrea99_fml | 0

#1494508 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:22

wow. grammar police over here. maybe a 'large bird' should shit on your head...... lmao

By Jessi2487 | 0

#1492535 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:17

just clean the windshield. you dont have to wash the entire car again. duuuh

catatonicsleep | 17

#1492669 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:48

have to wash the whole front... it probably hit the windshield and rolled down the front of the car

Jessi2487 | 0

#1492697 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:51

well still, op doesnt have to wash the ENTIRE car.

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1492892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:42

cleavage shot.

aleksjai | 0

#1497393 - Monday 4 October 2010 15:46

never know ...the animal might of splattered :0

By Lilbabynid3 | 3

#1492539 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:18

the vulture is the one that should be complaining. just rewash your windshield

Wlollpop | 0

#1494695 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:10

what about the animal? Being dead and all...