Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving...

By andrea99 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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Animals

Serious times

Rock, hard place

Time for the ER

By the girl next door - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By thefuck - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By beingthebossisoverrated - United States

Today, I realized the extent of my crush on one of my employees. I found myself cropping our picture out of the staff photo to see what we would look like as a couple. FML

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By moobysrocks - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

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By rachiej8 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By whoops - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

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By tammy999 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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By ToddlersWife - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By NYMTS - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

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By NeedaNosePlug - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

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By shakira, when the walls fell - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By juanjohnfml - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By fmylifebadddd - United States

Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me. So when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML

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By heartsick - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous

First dates suck

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

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By loner - United States

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

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By Leenotgay - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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By looser

Today, I pronounced FAQ as 'fuck' to my boss. I'm not a native speaker. FML

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By jack - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By NotALady

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

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By whatchagonnado - Canada - Victoria

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, I needed to use the bathroom. I decided to be a good girlfriend and leave the seat up for him. He later yelled at me for not putting the seat down because he needed to take a dump. FML

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By 3hoursleftofwork - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

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By illjustlimpthen - United States - Waukesha

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

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Top comments

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

COMMENTS

By xeldawyn | 14

#1492488 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

That's terrible!

cole86 | 0

#1492647 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:42

u lucky buthole now ye have a tarry free dinner!

Skiittleez | 0

#1493409 - Monday 4 October 2010 0:20

Yeah thats pretty terrible. And op had to take it off his windshield haha grossss

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1494381 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:01

ggvif

EffinAhole | 0

#1494865 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:54

It's not like a dead mouse (or whatever small animal it was) landing on your windshield would dirty up your clean car.

By guiltypleasure12 | 0

#1492492 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

and now you have dinner!

rottentomatoes | 7

#1492569 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:22

hm.. great, Burger King ^^

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492592 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:28

eww. lol. I wonder what animal it was.

zp5 | 4

#1493202 - Sunday 3 October 2010 23:00

14 i didn't know vultures could carry cows...

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1494161 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:37

chicken, perhaps? (/

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

randomchickkk | 0

#1494910 - Monday 4 October 2010 5:08

haha ouch. that's harsh.

craziemane | 0

#1495092 - Monday 4 October 2010 6:18

boob cleavage

Matu | 4

#1498674 - Monday 4 October 2010 20:40

lol 100

d4_user | 5

#1719664 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:46

boobs

By corrector_fml | 0

#1492507 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

free food, what are you complaining about?

By Chunchunchun | 3

#1492514 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

Be happy! You saw nature in action!

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By sanem0808238036 | 0

#1492523 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

that sucks arse man:/

By Spastastic | 6

#1492527 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

This is worded kind of terribly...

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1492753 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:05

and punctuated very badly.

Spastastic | 6

#1492966 - Sunday 3 October 2010 21:13

Indeed.

Spastastic | 6

#1493117 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:20

Well, the mods fixed it now.

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1493199 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:59

Oh good. I thought I was hallucinating decent grammar where it wasn't.

andrea99_fml | 0

#1494508 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:22

wow. grammar police over here. maybe a 'large bird' should shit on your head...... lmao

By Jessi2487 | 0

#1492535 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:17

just clean the windshield. you dont have to wash the entire car again. duuuh

catatonicsleep | 17

#1492669 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:48

have to wash the whole front... it probably hit the windshield and rolled down the front of the car

Jessi2487 | 0

#1492697 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:51

well still, op doesnt have to wash the ENTIRE car.

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1492892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:42

cleavage shot.

aleksjai | 0

#1497393 - Monday 4 October 2010 15:46

never know ...the animal might of splattered :0

By Lilbabynid3 | 3

#1492539 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:18

the vulture is the one that should be complaining. just rewash your windshield

Wlollpop | 0

#1494695 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:10

what about the animal? Being dead and all...