Animals: Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving...

By andrea99 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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Animals

Mother of the year

Season finale

Unrequited

By whyme27 - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

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By JCruz411 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

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By GeeTwo - United States

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By Annoyed Student - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2021 20:01

Catch 22

Today, I was at a friend's house; she left the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I'd, "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. I'm a gay guy, and she knows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By dancingqueef - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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By Elena - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 23:01

Supportive

Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML

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By Zedscar - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By JJ101 - Australia

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

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By me - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

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By Anomaly - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By rinala

Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML

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By DevastatedWoman - Belgium - Kalmthout

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

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By unsatisfied - United States

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

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By now what - 26/7/2020 05:01

Family extension

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

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By notmansbestfriend - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By teejayrn - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

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By bachelor - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

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By hoolagirl4422 - Hong Kong - Kennedy Town

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By Jman6295 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

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By Mel - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - Denmark - Odense

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

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By oheyimsarahh - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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By nakedyogagirl - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By aninc - United States - Boise

Today, I found out that a strong orgasm can trigger my girlfriend's PTSD. FML

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By slaughterteddy - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

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By mom - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By etahrabayraa - 27/6/2020 08:08

Instadrama

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

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Top comments

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

COMMENTS

By xeldawyn | 14

#1492488 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

That's terrible!

cole86 | 0

#1492647 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:42

u lucky buthole now ye have a tarry free dinner!

Skiittleez | 0

#1493409 - Monday 4 October 2010 0:20

Yeah thats pretty terrible. And op had to take it off his windshield haha grossss

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1494381 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:01

ggvif

EffinAhole | 0

#1494865 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:54

It's not like a dead mouse (or whatever small animal it was) landing on your windshield would dirty up your clean car.

By guiltypleasure12 | 0

#1492492 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:13

and now you have dinner!

rottentomatoes | 7

#1492569 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:22

hm.. great, Burger King ^^

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492592 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:28

eww. lol. I wonder what animal it was.

zp5 | 4

#1493202 - Sunday 3 October 2010 23:00

14 i didn't know vultures could carry cows...

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1494161 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:37

chicken, perhaps? (/

By aaa125 | 0

#1492494 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

just clean it up and get over it

randomchickkk | 0

#1494910 - Monday 4 October 2010 5:08

haha ouch. that's harsh.

craziemane | 0

#1495092 - Monday 4 October 2010 6:18

boob cleavage

Matu | 4

#1498674 - Monday 4 October 2010 20:40

lol 100

d4_user | 5

#1719664 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:46

boobs

By corrector_fml | 0

#1492507 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

free food, what are you complaining about?

By Chunchunchun | 3

#1492514 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

Be happy! You saw nature in action!

By crazedcabbages | 0

#1492519 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:15

im pretty sure ur life is not messed up

By sanem0808238036 | 0

#1492523 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

that sucks arse man:/

By Spastastic | 6

#1492527 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:16

This is worded kind of terribly...

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1492753 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:05

and punctuated very badly.

Spastastic | 6

#1492966 - Sunday 3 October 2010 21:13

Indeed.

Spastastic | 6

#1493117 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:20

Well, the mods fixed it now.

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1493199 - Sunday 3 October 2010 22:59

Oh good. I thought I was hallucinating decent grammar where it wasn't.

andrea99_fml | 0

#1494508 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:22

wow. grammar police over here. maybe a 'large bird' should shit on your head...... lmao

By Jessi2487 | 0

#1492535 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:17

just clean the windshield. you dont have to wash the entire car again. duuuh

catatonicsleep | 17

#1492669 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:48

have to wash the whole front... it probably hit the windshield and rolled down the front of the car

Jessi2487 | 0

#1492697 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:51

well still, op doesnt have to wash the ENTIRE car.

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1492892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 20:42

cleavage shot.

aleksjai | 0

#1497393 - Monday 4 October 2010 15:46

never know ...the animal might of splattered :0

By Lilbabynid3 | 3

#1492539 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:18

the vulture is the one that should be complaining. just rewash your windshield

Wlollpop | 0

#1494695 - Monday 4 October 2010 4:10

what about the animal? Being dead and all...