Today, a bird took a dump on my truck as I was driving and the...

By tristaph - 1/8/2018 00:00

Today, a bird took a dump on my truck as I was driving and the wind pushed it into the keyhole. FML

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This is us

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

The student becomes the master

By PissyPuss - 10/12/2015 21:38 - United States

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

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By Jules - 21/2/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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By Kat - 22/6/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I got back from a 6 month deployment overseas. My girlfriend of 3 years couldn't pick me up from the airport because she had an intramural softball game to go to. FML

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By smalls727 - 22/11/2016 17:46

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By itssdianaa - 29/6/2010 03:18 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and I thought I heard someone breaking in through the side gate at my house. I was terrified, so I called the police. It turned out it was the gas company checking the meter. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By mandiballz - 12/1/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By Mike - 17/9/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 17:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

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By Abu - 25/12/2016 10:05

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

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By OhPleaseNo - 7/4/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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By dgilbs - 27/8/2012 14:50 - United States - Cheboygan

Today, I finished my shopping at Costco, and realized I had forgotten where I had parked. After scouring the parking lot for 20 minutes, I called the police and filed a report for a stolen vehicle. I then remembered I had bought a new car yesterday and parked it right next to the entrance. FML

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By fuck yuo - 1/9/2012 20:50 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By goodstudent - 20/6/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By cookie_lover_xx - 15/10/2015 06:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

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By ohmy - 17/12/2009 19:09 - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

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By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By Egtat216 - 29/7/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By notwhatithought - 21/8/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

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By mrdentist - 2/12/2010 13:20

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

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By Tennisplayer - 10/2/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - 4/5/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By Pudgymom - 21/10/2016 02:08

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By unlucky - 8/10/2012 16:39 - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By briscoe - 29/9/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 14:29 - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Whyme - 9/1/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By AH - 7/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

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By PlayTag - 5/2/2009 00:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By conspicuous - 12/9/2012 20:11 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By anonymous - 24/11/2015 19:38 - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

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By Percy - 23/3/2019 20:00

Today, the phrase "To share everything with one's friends" took a pretty unexpected meaning when a friend of mine asked me for a date. When I told him how unlikely it was to happen because of my friendship with his girlfriend, he answered that it was no excuse as she fell in love with me too. FML

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Top comments

By Davros | 12

#7669600 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 0:10

I've always wondered if birds purposely aim for us then meet up in tree somewhere giving each other high 5's like "OH, did you see that guys face"?!

By real life problems | 26

#7669647 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 1:55

So wipe it off and get in? You can climb in from the other side also

Comments

By Davros | 12

#7669600 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 0:10

I've always wondered if birds purposely aim for us then meet up in tree somewhere giving each other high 5's like "OH, did you see that guys face"?!

By real life problems | 26

#7669647 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 1:55

So wipe it off and get in? You can climb in from the other side also

Cali | 54

#7670009 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 18:23

If it's in the keyhole he can't just wipe it off... Maybe he could force it out with a power washer?

By Charlie Given | 22

#7669653 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 2:27

I see you had a shitty drive🤣🤣

By John Nemeth | 14

#7669791 - Wednesday 1 August 2018 12:02

Ben “use the force bird..”

Guy on communications “You’ve turned off your targeting computer bird... is something wrong?”

Bird “I’ve got this”.....

By Kruxon | 11

#7671158 - Friday 3 August 2018 18:03

Today a bird aimed for my head but I dodged so the shit landed on my bag.. now I have to cleaner it off..FML