Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was...

By Grandson - 1/1/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Great boyfriend

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 12:54 - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By anonymous - 2/9/2014 18:58 - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

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By :/ - 4/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By nightowl506 - 21/11/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By Manu - 14/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By goodstudent - 20/6/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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By Anon - 26/12/2015 02:03 - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

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By bob - 7/2/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

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By nattnatt73 - 10/9/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2019 16:00

Today, I went over to my friend’s house while she was sick. In order to show me how bad her sense of smell was, she took a handful of VapoRub and rubbed it all over and inside of my nose then said, “Can you smell that? I can’t.” Yes, I can. But I can also feel my nostrils burning. FML.

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By greasyhair - 7/9/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By dan - 19/11/2011 04:54 - Reserved

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 17:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

He is proud of the duration

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well, penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

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By Gassy - 14/12/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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By starboy - 10/3/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

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By Troy - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 04:00

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

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By lifesucks4me - 23/2/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By Elise - 28/4/2012 23:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 06:36 - Australia

Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML

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By useless pos - 1/3/2013 00:48 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

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By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By mmv - 18/9/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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By TheHatedOne - 21/6/2009 07:26 - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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By ButNotBed - 4/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was told to be at a job site bright and early. I woke up and pounded several body smashing drinks to get going. They then called to tell me work was canceled due to weather. It's 0600. I can’t get back to sleep. FML

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By Invisible - 22/5/2009 19:27 - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

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By Sarah91 - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

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By losing the plot - 8/4/2015 19:36 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 05:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML

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By "socially awkward cupcake " - 26/9/2017 23:15

Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

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By bob - 1/9/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By littleguy - 20/8/2009 15:55 - United States

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - 10/11/2016 21:15 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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Top comments

By jemmers | 13

#3815909 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Go grandma! At least she had fun.

By kjcamaro3 | 5

#3815913 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Come on granny....roll those hooters back up!

Comments

By Feedmyaddiction5 | 14

#3815903 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:02

Graphic. That sucks.

BarDownDaily | 12

#3815935 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:05

Pics or it didn't happen.

gamercanadian | 11

#3815957 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:07

I got pulled over for no reason, I ask y u pull me over cop goes just in case !!! Da hell right

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3815999 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:15

Do you like cheese?

kyarush | 10

#3816001 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:15

Making the best of her years. This is a problem?

DontModMeDammit | 10

#3816055 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:29

At least she wasn't run over by a reindeer.

pyromania21 | 0

#3816071 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:34

hey could be a hot granny to wanna show off like that or could be a fat saggy wrinkly leathery skinned old broad with a lil too much booze in her

SecretMe00 | 5

#3816142 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:51

Sounds like granny had a more exciting new year than I did. Very eventful.

bitchesbecrazy2 | 4

#3816236 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:14

Are they sure it just wasn't Jeff Tremaine in a suit?

bitchesbecrazy2 | 4

#3816239 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:14

Are they sure it just wasn't Jeff Tremaine in a suit?

FarSide | 22

#3816254 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:19

ANY exposure by Grandma is indecent.

periwinkle95 | 10

#3816446 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:19

Score 1 for Granny.

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816540 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:52

I bet there's at least one grandma reading these comments, crying. :(

Zeppelin1969 | 5

#3817501 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:49

Thank you, OP, for an image of my own grandmother that will never come out of my head...

AssTard | 15

#3819154 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:42

And a grandpa too, thinking "No more nude grannies"? :(

hbbs93 | 6

#3823825 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:49

Am I the only one that thought if the grandma on Raising Hope after reading this FML?

ilyWoods | 5

#3828378 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 8:56

This is hilarious! She is human, doesn't really matter how old you get, still have to live a little :)
WTG Granny!

By jemmers | 13

#3815909 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Go grandma! At least she had fun.

mango260 | 9

#3816069 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:33

Jail isn't fun, poor grandma :(

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3816288 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:27

Poor grandma? I heard as soon as she got there, she immediately destroyed to biggest inmate.

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3816510 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:40

*the.

Teehee2 | 0

#3816892 - Monday 2 January 2012 0:27

bake them cookies Lucille!!

michaelscott23 | 7

#3819693 - Monday 2 January 2012 9:42

33 is right. Jail isn't fun. Gramma might get ass raped there. Ass rape=no fun

By B0NER | 2

#3815911 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Run away granny

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3816291 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:27

Grannies gone wild: new years edition.

floresmarquezhah | 0

#3816780 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:35

3: nice name.

manlikebanana | 0

#3818130 - Monday 2 January 2012 5:11

^^ roflmfao... I would buy that

By kjcamaro3 | 5

#3815913 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Come on granny....roll those hooters back up!

ZDK5498 | 6

#3816824 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:54

grandma is the alpha-hooter.

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3818444 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:11

I've seen worse.. Don't ask.

By moop256 | 10

#3815916 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

She's just getting senile

By ICATiger | 13

#3815919 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:04

Nanny Mcfanny??

alicebrowniie | 1

#3816783 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:36

lol mate

By joshuaUNWRITTEN | 0

#3815930 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:05

Some Grandmas are just Amazing!!

By AnthonyN | 5

#3815942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Y.O.L.O.

MikeDa1Da | 14

#3815978 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:12

Shut the fuck up.

chels1994 | 11

#3816019 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:20

In all honesty, I don't even know what this means...am I the only one?

ICATiger | 13

#3816085 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:39

What does that mean?

flockz | 19

#3816115 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:45

yapping ovary licking ostriches

ICATiger | 13

#3816179 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:01

Yapping.ovary.licking.oreos

flockz | 19

#3816213 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:07

or Yearning Olive Liver Oil.

ICATiger | 13

#3816261 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:20

Damn it flockz i'll never be as smart as you......... but i still love oreos :)

oakland43 | 6

#3816335 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:42

You Only Live Once

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816491 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:35

Yucky Opium Laced Oysters

By chels1994 | 11

#3815943 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Well she had a good new year...

By crazyquestions | 4

#3815947 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Awww that sucks...Grandma got away again...