Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was...

By Grandson - 1/1/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Thanks, I'm cured!

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

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By dogbait - 14/2/2010 05:07 - France

Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML

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By highlydisgusted - 16/10/2013 03:10 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

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By seriously - 24/5/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

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By scared - 17/3/2015 21:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

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By Tokany - 28/4/2011 19:29 - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

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By mynameisarmpit - 15/11/2010 06:48

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - 15/5/2014 12:02 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By what sex life? - 2/8/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2018 17:30

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

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By brownunderwear - 14/12/2011 03:45 - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

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By Chris - 5/4/2012 02:50 - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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By picklebug - 26/7/2013 16:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By crookedteeth - 27/8/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By single - 1/7/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 09:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

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By Wowthanks - 5/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 16:52 - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By QuickieGirl - 16/9/2011 11:28 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

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By wellthatsawkward - 30/12/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

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By creepedoutmom - 17/5/2015 16:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

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By Nucleus - 8/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

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By superstar - 30/3/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at Panera. A blind woman came in, ordered and said other blind people were going to come in soon, because they were having a meeting. Later, a man comes in and ask if any other blind people had showed up. I told him there was just one in here wearing a blue shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2016 15:53 - United States - Franklin

Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

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By Robyn - 4/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By Gracie - 24/5/2019 12:02

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - 22/5/2014 16:47 - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By anonymous - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling eachother secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 05:51 - United States

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

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By ouchers - 11/6/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 10/6/2015 05:25 - United States - Garner

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

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By Turbo - 17/6/2019 02:23

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

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By Lil_bit - 4/1/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By poorman - 9/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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Top comments

By jemmers | 13

#3815909 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Go grandma! At least she had fun.

By kjcamaro3 | 5

#3815913 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Come on granny....roll those hooters back up!

COMMENTS

By Feedmyaddiction5 | 14

#3815903 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:02

Graphic. That sucks.

BarDownDaily | 12

#3815935 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:05

Pics or it didn't happen.

gamercanadian | 11

#3815957 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:07

I got pulled over for no reason, I ask y u pull me over cop goes just in case !!! Da hell right

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3815999 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:15

Do you like cheese?

kyarush | 10

#3816001 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:15

Making the best of her years. This is a problem?

DontModMeDammit | 10

#3816055 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:29

At least she wasn't run over by a reindeer.

pyromania21 | 0

#3816071 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:34

hey could be a hot granny to wanna show off like that or could be a fat saggy wrinkly leathery skinned old broad with a lil too much booze in her

SecretMe00 | 5

#3816142 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:51

Sounds like granny had a more exciting new year than I did. Very eventful.

bitchesbecrazy2 | 4

#3816236 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:14

Are they sure it just wasn't Jeff Tremaine in a suit?

bitchesbecrazy2 | 4

#3816239 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:14

Are they sure it just wasn't Jeff Tremaine in a suit?

FarSide | 22

#3816254 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:19

ANY exposure by Grandma is indecent.

periwinkle95 | 10

#3816446 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:19

Score 1 for Granny.

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816540 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:52

I bet there's at least one grandma reading these comments, crying. :(

Zeppelin1969 | 5

#3817501 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:49

Thank you, OP, for an image of my own grandmother that will never come out of my head...

AssTard | 15

#3819154 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:42

And a grandpa too, thinking "No more nude grannies"? :(

hbbs93 | 6

#3823825 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:49

Am I the only one that thought if the grandma on Raising Hope after reading this FML?

ilyWoods | 5

#3828378 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 8:56

This is hilarious! She is human, doesn't really matter how old you get, still have to live a little :)
WTG Granny!

By jemmers | 13

#3815909 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Go grandma! At least she had fun.

mango260 | 9

#3816069 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:33

Jail isn't fun, poor grandma :(

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3816288 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:27

Poor grandma? I heard as soon as she got there, she immediately destroyed to biggest inmate.

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3816510 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:40

*the.

Teehee2 | 0

#3816892 - Monday 2 January 2012 0:27

bake them cookies Lucille!!

michaelscott23 | 7

#3819693 - Monday 2 January 2012 9:42

33 is right. Jail isn't fun. Gramma might get ass raped there. Ass rape=no fun

By B0NER | 2

#3815911 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Run away granny

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3816291 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:27

Grannies gone wild: new years edition.

floresmarquezhah | 0

#3816780 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:35

3: nice name.

manlikebanana | 0

#3818130 - Monday 2 January 2012 5:11

^^ roflmfao... I would buy that

By kjcamaro3 | 5

#3815913 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

Come on granny....roll those hooters back up!

ZDK5498 | 6

#3816824 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:54

grandma is the alpha-hooter.

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3818444 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:11

I've seen worse.. Don't ask.

By moop256 | 10

#3815916 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:03

She's just getting senile

By ICATiger | 13

#3815919 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:04

Nanny Mcfanny??

alicebrowniie | 1

#3816783 - Sunday 1 January 2012 23:36

lol mate

By joshuaUNWRITTEN | 0

#3815930 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:05

Some Grandmas are just Amazing!!

By AnthonyN | 5

#3815942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Y.O.L.O.

MikeDa1Da | 14

#3815978 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:12

Shut the fuck up.

chels1994 | 11

#3816019 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:20

In all honesty, I don't even know what this means...am I the only one?

ICATiger | 13

#3816085 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:39

What does that mean?

flockz | 19

#3816115 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:45

yapping ovary licking ostriches

ICATiger | 13

#3816179 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:01

Yapping.ovary.licking.oreos

flockz | 19

#3816213 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:07

or Yearning Olive Liver Oil.

ICATiger | 13

#3816261 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:20

Damn it flockz i'll never be as smart as you......... but i still love oreos :)

oakland43 | 6

#3816335 - Sunday 1 January 2012 20:42

You Only Live Once

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816491 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:35

Yucky Opium Laced Oysters

By chels1994 | 11

#3815943 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Well she had a good new year...

By crazyquestions | 4

#3815947 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Awww that sucks...Grandma got away again...