Miscellaneous: Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was... - FML

By tkoester - 29/08/2015 04:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 911

You deserved it 1 553

There's no helping some people

Good kid

Triage

Embezzlement

By Username - 06/01/2011 07:49

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 520

You deserved it 2 458

Awkwaaaaaaard

By Zoe Avila - 09/08/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 820

You deserved it 9 040

By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 556

You deserved it 15 132

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 957

You deserved it 44 418

By vcarder - 26/09/2009 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 595

You deserved it 6 349

By howrude - 11/09/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 557

You deserved it 4 732

By orgasmicriding - 22/12/2012 22:55 - United States - Wyandotte

Spicy

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 080

You deserved it 6 959

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 466

You deserved it 2 577

By Anon - 23/11/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 690

You deserved it 48 131

By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 094

You deserved it 2 566

The old switcheroo

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 11:09

Today, I was supposed to close on a house. Unfortunately, our lender decided that they couldn't finance us and denied us a loan, after 3 months of us digging up paperwork, saving money, and packing. Now we have to scramble to find a new place, while our insane landlady screams at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 52

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 02:00

Today, I had a teaching job interview. After giving my demo lesson, I was told by the director that I had given it on the wrong topic. Turns out, I never got the e-mail with the instructions for the interview. Now I'm definitely not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 841

You deserved it 311

By BlueyedKat - 11/04/2016 17:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 210

You deserved it 2 580

By spiderhater - 12/04/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 621

You deserved it 5 291

By Gahh... - 03/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 968

You deserved it 2 949

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 626

You deserved it 3 535

By minnie - 28/08/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 669

You deserved it 6 882

It's called caring, OK?

By gan-1991 - 15/06/2020 23:01

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157

You deserved it 244

By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 4 229

By radiantum13 - 09/06/2016 02:33

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 996

You deserved it 1 047

By Sarah220 - 12/07/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, I woke up to a pain on my eyelid. I stumbled into the bathroom to find a huge tick attached to the edge of my eyelid. My dad used tweezers to pull it off, only the head stuck. I had to go to the doctor and sit there for 15 minutes so she could pull the rest out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 497

You deserved it 3 283

By musicman2005 - 30/03/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 892

You deserved it 64 365

By lifeofamusicteacher - 08/12/2016 01:22 - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 126

You deserved it 565

You're in the army now, oh ohoh, you're in the army. Now.

By LoveGlove - 21/06/2014 21:42 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 038

You deserved it 4 936

Please do it

By Anonymous - 25/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 217

You deserved it 346

Family Fortunes

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 22:00 - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I met the family of the guy I’m seeing, and they are all amazing. I’m scared to tell him I have a schizophrenic mum and a raging alcoholic dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 96

By eyeamcool - 17/04/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 436

You deserved it 2 693

By Anonymous - 26/01/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 961

You deserved it 2 257

By jeanrose2013 - 23/10/2012 22:12 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 251

You deserved it 3 181

By Anonymous - 22/08/2012 06:01 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 586

You deserved it 2 106

By gatewayev700 - 26/02/2015 16:18 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 012

You deserved it 5 245

By bunny - 16/08/2009 13:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 173

You deserved it 4 980

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 22:00

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 2 290

By ugly - 07/04/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 401

You deserved it 19 548

By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - 13/07/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 082

You deserved it 21 642

By rescuetheduck - 10/04/2012 19:26 - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 835

You deserved it 7 247

By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 14/06/2019 16:00

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 196

By SingleSara. - 02/03/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 940

You deserved it 3 404

By polish_chik - 01/09/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 238

You deserved it 38 727

By WeldedShut - 03/03/2017 18:00

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 751

You deserved it 8 145

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Top comments

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:14

you should be happy! After all those years of marriage, the spark is still there!

Cads1 24

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:17

Sounds like there is a burning issue between them. I wonder what the hot item is.

Comments

Steffi3 40

Saturday 29 August 2015 11:14

That's awfull! I hope your grandpa is fine..

thefmlman2011 35

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Saturday 29 August 2015 18:17

No, he's on fire

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 29 August 2015 19:46

I hope your grandma doesn't listen to Alicia Keys...

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Saturday 29 August 2015 22:50

Of course he's fine, I think it's wonderful that they still have the fire of passion after all these years

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:14

you should be happy! After all those years of marriage, the spark is still there!

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Saturday 29 August 2015 15:26

Or perhaps grandpa is a Doors fan and was singing "Come on baby light my fire."

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Saturday 29 August 2015 16:03

Actually, if OP's grandfather is still alive, that means the spark WASN'T there :p

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Saturday 29 August 2015 17:20

#37, Why do you say the spark WASN'T there? Are you implying that he is way to old to get it up? First that isn't the only thing that a marriage revolves around and second my Dad was a grandfather at 60yrs of age. I don't know about you but 60 is far from old.

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Saturday 29 August 2015 17:27

@43: That's not what they were trying to imply.

leogachi 15

Saturday 29 August 2015 19:09

@43 Calm down. The spark wasn't there means that he wasn't set on fire. It was a joke.

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Sunday 30 August 2015 0:07

Uh, I'm pretty sure 43 was joking.

mynameischarles 13

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:16

The real question is whether or not your grandpa deserved it...

meunluckycharms 16

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:17

He had to have done something horrific to deserve to be burned alive

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:31

No one deserves to be burned alive. It's an inhumane thing to do

chocolatelover96 14

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:39

There is absolutely no reason in the entire world, that would justify setting another person on fire.

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Saturday 29 August 2015 13:38

all you people... What about Hitler?

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Saturday 29 August 2015 14:43

Not even him. Once you start making exceptions for really horrible people you make it easier to justify for not very horrible people.

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Saturday 29 August 2015 16:00

Could have been practicing witchcraft.

mynameischarles 13

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Saturday 29 August 2015 17:53

I was being sarcastic but i guess it wasn't obvious. I voted FYL

leogachi 15

Saturday 29 August 2015 19:18

@31 I disagree. I think I could very easily say that Hitler deserved to be set on fire without saying that less horrible people also deserve it.

Cads1 24

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:17

Sounds like there is a burning issue between them. I wonder what the hot item is.

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:22

shots fired

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:22

uhh.. wow. Never heard this one before. hope your grandpa is ok OP! hope it works out for you!

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:24

What the actual fuck

Cads1 24

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Sunday 30 August 2015 6:38

What is an actual fuck? Is it different from a real fuck?

jerryj 27

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Tuesday 1 September 2015 8:20

What the hypothetical fuck?

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:24

You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family. Sorry OP. I hope everything works out well enough.

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:28

What a story to tell your grandkids...

frostedfoster 15

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Saturday 29 August 2015 11:31

Perhaps she was just trying to rekindle the flame between them? Hope he's okay OP

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 16

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 101