Miscellaneous: Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told...

By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Walk on the wild side

Messed up

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By singlesummer - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By dumbdad - United States

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4am to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

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By teeth - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By slipperyhands - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By thisisbad - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

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By rufusthepenis - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

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I'm in a hurry

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Question Time

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By em - United States

Today, I was working and some woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By failure - United States

Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML

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By macguy - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By Lordy - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By Anonymous - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By Shawty - United States

Today, I went on a date, and within the first five minutes, he said, "Before we go any further and get anymore serious, you need to know a few things, I have kissed a guy drunk because it was a dare, and have a $400 silk rose Victoria's Secret blanket." FML

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By jason - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By brownieswillneverbethesame - United States

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

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By midwify - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By jai90 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

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By coral - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

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By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

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By infrontofninepeople - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By zyordz - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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Top comments

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6368561 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

Excusable because she's senile: but if any commenters start a debate on abortion....well, just don't.

By nix1993 | 41

#6368585 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:50

A few months ago my Grandma tried to drown my black cat because he walked under a ladder that my Dad was up. Nothing happened, but apparently the fact that he was called 'Lucky' was 'ironic proof that he was the anti-christ'. Senility sucks.

COMMENTS

By Yolomcswaggin420 | 17

#6368559 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

I guess you shouldn't "abort" the idea the she is still senile

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6368569 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:43

No.

UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6368578 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:46

That was bad and you should feel bad

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6368604 - Sunday 2 August 2015 1:24

This is a classic example of someone who landed first comment and tried way too hard to be witty.

Your first mistake was attempting to make a pun. Your second was putting "quotations" around it.

FR4GTP | 6

#6370125 - Monday 3 August 2015 18:39

cut it out with the abortion jokes.

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6368561 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

Excusable because she's senile: but if any commenters start a debate on abortion....well, just don't.

ptoka | 20

#6368683 - Sunday 2 August 2015 4:14

Abortion is an all right alternative depending on the circumstances... Mmmkay (couldn't help it)

drrobotnik1 | 18

#6369105 - Sunday 2 August 2015 17:44

but random inappropriate comments sections on the internet are the only places left to talk about abortion.

calerino | 8

#6369589 - Monday 3 August 2015 2:55

If you plant a seed and dig it up again, did you cut down a tree?

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6369878 - Monday 3 August 2015 10:58

Yes because comparing Humans to plants is entirely acceptable.

booze_n_bitches | 35

#6371428 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 23:26

#38 and #40 WHAT DID I JUST SAY. Go to your room and think about what you've just done.

alex_jaguara | 29

#7953379 - Saturday 21 November 2020 7:38

Ok, let's raise kids in unloving families or unable to care for them, let's overcrowd foster homes, ruin the teenage mom's life. Surely better option than abortion.

By jlang917 | 14

#6368562 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

She was mistaken, and she is senile, so I wouldn't take it too hard OP!

By Kaos_Yggdrasil | 7

#6368563 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

lol FYL she is senile :/

By snackfood0 | 15

#6368565 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

Wow, what a ray of sunshine.

By Koalax3 | 18

#6368566 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

It's alright you're not the only one with a senile grandma, mine for example thinks I'm a demon, because I was born on the same date as her husbands death and tells me so constantly

GrumpyGrinch | 23

#6368577 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:46

Would it be better or worse if she decides that you are the soul of that same husband returned to her?

VeganDarkLight | 31

#6368647 - Sunday 2 August 2015 3:11

Oh wow, I feel you. My granddad always asks me if I'm a member of a sect, his reason being that I like to wear black. We just gotta love them nonetheless, who knows if we're gonna end up like this ourselves one day.