Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told...

By Anonymous - 1/8/2015 03:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML

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Miscellaneous

Ant life

Sister of the year

Reliable

By ashamed - 28/10/2019 02:00

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 17:00

Assumptions

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

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By StupidJob - 1/9/2016 23:23 - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

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By CB4 - 5/2/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By whoops - 9/7/2014 05:38 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 17:41

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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By anon - 13/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

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By - 17/4/2019 14:00

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

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By SMS123 - 25/6/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML

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By gettingacat - 17/12/2009 14:32 - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2014 16:06 - United States

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

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By kittybad - 23/6/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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By Alex - 21/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/7/2013 19:55 - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By melonhead - 14/1/2010 08:46 - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 20:35 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - 24/8/2013 14:55 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By Excalibur6669 - 31/12/2015 04:29 - United States - Parlin

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

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By AnatomyLecture - 22/1/2017 14:00

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By PlaneGuy - 25/2/2017 01:00 - Reunion - Saint-denis

Today, I was on a plane and a cute girl was getting ready to sit down beside me, but upon making eye contact, she asked to switch seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By Topher - 25/8/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

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By left4dead - 27/10/2012 20:04 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML

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By QuestionMyLife - 1/10/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 09:25 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

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By Jack - 30/11/2013 08:31 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I realized my girlfriend has been "on her period" for almost two months. FML

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By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/6/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

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By FoodNeeded - 25/8/2016 02:24 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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By caught - 9/1/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

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By -_- - 5/7/2013 21:59 - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

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By Jesse from - 3/8/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By Hormones apparently - 8/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

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By Michael D. - 25/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

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By slut - 2/7/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother screamed at me for half an hour, calling me a slut because she found a black lacy thong in my boyfriend's bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't mine. FML

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By DietKelp - 23/10/2015 10:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

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Top comments

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6368561 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

Excusable because she's senile: but if any commenters start a debate on abortion....well, just don't.

By nix1993 | 41

#6368585 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:50

A few months ago my Grandma tried to drown my black cat because he walked under a ladder that my Dad was up. Nothing happened, but apparently the fact that he was called 'Lucky' was 'ironic proof that he was the anti-christ'. Senility sucks.

COMMENTS

By Yolomcswaggin420 | 17

#6368559 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

I guess you shouldn't "abort" the idea the she is still senile

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6368569 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:43

No.

UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6368578 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:46

That was bad and you should feel bad

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6368604 - Sunday 2 August 2015 1:24

This is a classic example of someone who landed first comment and tried way too hard to be witty.

Your first mistake was attempting to make a pun. Your second was putting "quotations" around it.

FR4GTP | 6

#6370125 - Monday 3 August 2015 18:39

cut it out with the abortion jokes.

By booze_n_bitches | 35

#6368561 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

Excusable because she's senile: but if any commenters start a debate on abortion....well, just don't.

ptoka | 20

#6368683 - Sunday 2 August 2015 4:14

Abortion is an all right alternative depending on the circumstances... Mmmkay (couldn't help it)

drrobotnik1 | 18

#6369105 - Sunday 2 August 2015 17:44

but random inappropriate comments sections on the internet are the only places left to talk about abortion.

calerino | 8

#6369589 - Monday 3 August 2015 2:55

If you plant a seed and dig it up again, did you cut down a tree?

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6369878 - Monday 3 August 2015 10:58

Yes because comparing Humans to plants is entirely acceptable.

booze_n_bitches | 35

#6371428 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 23:26

#38 and #40 WHAT DID I JUST SAY. Go to your room and think about what you've just done.

By jlang917 | 14

#6368562 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

She was mistaken, and she is senile, so I wouldn't take it too hard OP!

By Kaos_Yggdrasil | 7

#6368563 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

lol FYL she is senile :/

By snackfood0 | 15

#6368565 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

Wow, what a ray of sunshine.

By Koalax3 | 18

#6368566 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

It's alright you're not the only one with a senile grandma, mine for example thinks I'm a demon, because I was born on the same date as her husbands death and tells me so constantly

GrumpyGrinch | 23

#6368577 - Sunday 2 August 2015 0:46

Would it be better or worse if she decides that you are the soul of that same husband returned to her?

VeganDarkLight | 31

#6368647 - Sunday 2 August 2015 3:11

Oh wow, I feel you. My granddad always asks me if I'm a member of a sect, his reason being that I like to wear black. We just gotta love them nonetheless, who knows if we're gonna end up like this ourselves one day.