Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather...

By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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Miscellaneous

Oh, hai!

The best cat

Does it taste good?

By gassy - 17/8/2018 18:30

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 23:07 - Canada

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - 21/12/2008 15:36 - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I'm so lazy, I dread getting up early on days that haven't arrived yet. For stuff I actually like doing, too. FML

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By SingleGirl - 7/9/2009 15:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2016 21:02 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML

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By Angel - 13/1/2016 13:56 - United States - Charlotte

Today, the guy I'm dating took me to a dinner party at a couple's house. Halfway through dinner, I realized they were having the dinner party for the sole purpose of introducing him to their recently single daughter. FML

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By anonymous - 17/4/2012 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - 2/7/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 09:25 - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

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By scumbag - 5/11/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

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By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - 14/7/2014 23:48 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By scaredscreenless - 16/8/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

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By julieseattle - 28/10/2019 18:00

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By benji - 1/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By Abu - 25/12/2016 10:05

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 13:31 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

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By kindgartin - 23/4/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

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By meeeee! - 2/3/2015 13:26 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 06:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By SerenityJ - 27/9/2013 20:00 - United States - Mountain View

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 02:29 - Italy

Today, I managed to not think too much about how alone I feel living in a strange city, and I went out to find a quiet place to write and eat. After I ordered my meal, I saw that I was the only diner that was sitting alone at a table. Then 'All By Myself' came on the radio. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By ninaaaa - 24/2/2014 00:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my sister finished a project about something she hates. Me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

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By Metime - 5/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

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By thanksmom - 22/12/2014 23:15 - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

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By oops - 4/3/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

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By Look's like she's paying all of it now. - 6/6/2017 02:00

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 05:29 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

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By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - 13/4/2015 15:40 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - 27/8/2014 22:03 - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By UnboundA - 7/6/2016 16:27 - United States - Ruckersville

Today, I loaded up a cart at work with all the things that take me the longest to stock, figuring I'd just get it over with. My manager decided to use that cart to time me and measure my efficiency. FML

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By pinkrazrgirl247 - 3/7/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML

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Top comments

By noobpwn12321 | 6

#5094009 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

By TheJoeydark | 4

#5094012 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

Comments

By skitzoklown | 19

#5094007 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

Sucks to hear sorry OP

Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094049 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:13

That has to be one of the most unimaginative comments ever.

ManInTheMachine | 19

#5094118 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:35

Well, it comes in a close second to "I don't know what to say" and "FYL".

DocBastard | 38

#5094130 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:39

Wow, way to try to scare the new guy away. Is there something inherently wrong with expressing sympathy? Is that what the FML community has become?

ManInTheMachine | 19

#5094149 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:42

Doc, the FML community trying to show sympathy is the equivalent of a porcupine hugging an infant. It does neither party any good, and one is left wondering "What the fuck did I do wrong?"

You tried, is what you did wrong.

Pleonasm | 34

#5094282 - Monday 29 October 2012 17:17

If he is indeed new, he could have done a lot worse for himself: cut the guy a break. he didn't say first or lol

Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094504 - Monday 29 October 2012 18:52

There's a difference between expressing sympathy and being vaguely condescending.

LiterOfCola | 16

#5095107 - Monday 29 October 2012 22:37

Personally, this is my least favorite type of comment. There's no point to it; we don't know OP, OP will probably never read this, and it would not affect OP at all even if they did read it.

mjacv2 | 5

#5099884 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 6:04

Im going to be nice and say Welcome to FML and next time don't say stupid shit pretty please.

By noobpwn12321 | 6

#5094009 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

porcupineattack1 | 5

#5094098 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:25

Yeah shouldn't assume so quickly

Werken247 | 14

#5094159 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:44

Or lovers having a spat. I'm betting the short guy was the butch one.

sirpantselot | 22

#5095724 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:53

When will people learn, Joe Pesci doesn't need anyone's help!

imavelociraptor | 6

#5098132 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 20:01

If they were just friends messing around why would he punch OP in the face? He could have just said "we were just kidding" or ignored him.

By TheJoeydark | 4

#5094012 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

crimsonlover4 | 31

#5094108 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:30

Yea he could've shown a little gratitude.

jacsoccerdude3 | 10

#5094221 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:57

Until the larger man punches op back in the face.

TheJoeydark | 4

#5096282 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:11

Lol yeah that's true, he should've then done a hit, and run! :D

TurboTurkey | 9

#5101622 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 17:06

Exactly what I was gonna say. lol That is, if OP is a fast runner.

By OhAidan | 7

#5094018 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:08

Sounds like you solved the problem, Congrats OP!

By olpally | 32

#5094022 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:09

Anybody else think of fat bastard and mini me from Austin powers? Lol. Fyl op.

gc327072 | 29

#5094123 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:37

Get in my beeelllyyyyyy!!!

greenie213 | 23

#5094214 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:55

He's not fat anymore, but his neck looks like a vagina...

ICastillo | 24

#5094731 - Monday 29 October 2012 19:58

I though of the little guy from Family Guy, the one that always says... big whoop want to fight about it.

By whiteboy896 | 9

#5094024 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

Should of have stomped that runt.

By klovemachine | 24

#5094026 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

I would say hit him back, OP, but he's short, so that is punishment enough :)

Vball6 | 19

#5095019 - Monday 29 October 2012 21:47

Since when was being short a punishment?

By Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094032 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

You shouldn't have made an assumption... But at least you tried, right?

By DontThumbMeDown | 8

#5094037 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

At least you're a good person for trying to break up a fight.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5094039 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:12

He was Grumpy.
You should have went and told Snow White.
She'd keep his ass in check.

LaughinStock | 16

#5094081 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:20

No, I think he was an elf from the south. They tend to be more angry then the ones in the North Pole.