Miscellaneous: Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 696

29/10/2012 07:55

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 640

You deserved it 5 182

Admit you're shit

No Future

Sounds like a scam

04/03/2010 11:24

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 897

You deserved it 2 949

25/01/2009 05:54

Spicy

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 083

You deserved it 3 960

18/11/2009 09:50

Today, my condo board refused to lift the new policy requiring pet owners to carry dogs in common areas because someone's dog is peeing in the hall. I can't physically carry my two dogs, so I'm now forced to wheel them through the building in a borrowed baby stroller. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 019

You deserved it 3 926

08/12/2013 16:49

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 665

You deserved it 4 108

13/05/2013 14:16

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 112

You deserved it 7 289

09/10/2009 18:48

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 538

You deserved it 9 240

13/03/2010 00:08

Today, my new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I open the door to see my ex-husband, with a horrified look on his face, and his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 331

You deserved it 2 319

10/04/2011 06:50

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 052

You deserved it 10 768

02/06/2009 15:33

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 922

You deserved it 25 568

09/08/2017 05:00

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 374

You deserved it 437

Hi mom!

By jonnie - 07/05/2020 02:00

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472

You deserved it 2 043

22/04/2015 13:31

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 222

You deserved it 2 564

27/03/2012 15:54

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 685

You deserved it 4 818

26/05/2014 03:52

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 164

You deserved it 4 489

Not you, her

By Emily - 05/04/2021 20:00

Today, I told the guy I liked about my feelings, and he says, "Sorry I don’t like you, but can I get your sister's number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 055

You deserved it 100

02/01/2010 02:45

Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 655

You deserved it 3 913

28/10/2012 04:06

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 779

You deserved it 7 008

16/07/2009 18:46

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 266

You deserved it 5 862

Welcome to the Splash Zone!

By Vomitoid - 07/02/2018 01:30

Today, we had a test in history. My best friend, who was sitting right behind me, had forgotten about it and put his finger in his throat to vomit. It sprayed all over his desk, his pants, and the entirety of my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 204

You deserved it 323

02/08/2012 13:00

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 015

You deserved it 3 973

24/11/2010 07:10

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 635

You deserved it 3 574

21/09/2012 11:31

Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 692

You deserved it 6 683

Backhanded

By wtf - 14/09/2011 18:11

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 869

You deserved it 4 461

Oh, hai Mark!

By lyle - 02/04/2021 08:00

Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 150

07/05/2013 17:10

Today, I did my small part to help the environment by hanging my clothes outside to dry rather than using the dryer. The birds showed their appreciation by crapping on the majority of my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 656

You deserved it 13 281

05/08/2012 07:49

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 715

You deserved it 2 358

29/07/2018 13:00

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 440

You deserved it 412

Hard shoulder

By me. - 11/07/2016 03:00

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 666

You deserved it 724

23/02/2013 23:18

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 026

You deserved it 4 818

07/03/2012 11:14

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 071

You deserved it 5 336

01/12/2016 19:18

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 505

You deserved it 1 370

29/09/2011 08:04

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 498

You deserved it 24 339

Baby New Year?

By Fiona the Deceived - 30/05/2018 19:00

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 260

You deserved it 239

12/07/2017 18:39

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 2 068

03/02/2010 06:24

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 510

You deserved it 4 320

01/09/2016 22:28

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 858

You deserved it 1 655

07/02/2011 00:58

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 289

You deserved it 3 722

21/11/2010 19:07

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 415

You deserved it 41 172

23/04/2012 05:50

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 077

You deserved it 2 088

03/04/2018 19:00

Today, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of my whole class, when I accidentally clicked on the folder that has zillions of pictures of my crush. He's one of my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 6 808

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Top comments

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

Comments

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

Sucks to hear sorry OP

Lucia_Malpense 14

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:13

That has to be one of the most unimaginative comments ever.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:35

Well, it comes in a close second to "I don't know what to say" and "FYL".

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:39

Wow, way to try to scare the new guy away. Is there something inherently wrong with expressing sympathy? Is that what the FML community has become?

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:42

Doc, the FML community trying to show sympathy is the equivalent of a porcupine hugging an infant. It does neither party any good, and one is left wondering "What the fuck did I do wrong?" You tried, is what you did wrong.

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Monday 29 October 2012 17:17

If he is indeed new, he could have done a lot worse for himself: cut the guy a break. he didn't say first or lol

Lucia_Malpense 14

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Monday 29 October 2012 18:52

There's a difference between expressing sympathy and being vaguely condescending.

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Monday 29 October 2012 22:37

Personally, this is my least favorite type of comment. There's no point to it; we don't know OP, OP will probably never read this, and it would not affect OP at all even if they did read it.

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Wednesday 31 October 2012 6:04

Im going to be nice and say Welcome to FML and next time don't say stupid shit pretty please.

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

porcupineattack1 5

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:25

Yeah shouldn't assume so quickly

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:44

Or lovers having a spat. I'm betting the short guy was the butch one.

sirpantselot 22

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:53

When will people learn, Joe Pesci doesn't need anyone's help!

imavelociraptor 6

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 20:01

If they were just friends messing around why would he punch OP in the face? He could have just said "we were just kidding" or ignored him.

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

crimsonlover4 31

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:30

Yea he could've shown a little gratitude.

jacsoccerdude3 10

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:57

Until the larger man punches op back in the face.

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:11

Lol yeah that's true, he should've then done a hit, and run! :D

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Wednesday 31 October 2012 17:06

Exactly what I was gonna say. lol That is, if OP is a fast runner.

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:08

Sounds like you solved the problem, Congrats OP!

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:09

Anybody else think of fat bastard and mini me from Austin powers? Lol. Fyl op.

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:37

Get in my beeelllyyyyyy!!!

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:55

He's not fat anymore, but his neck looks like a vagina...

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Monday 29 October 2012 19:58

I though of the little guy from Family Guy, the one that always says... big whoop want to fight about it.

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

Should of have stomped that runt.

klovemachine 24

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

I would say hit him back, OP, but he's short, so that is punishment enough :)

Vball6 19

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Monday 29 October 2012 21:47

Since when was being short a punishment?

Lucia_Malpense 14

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

You shouldn't have made an assumption... But at least you tried, right?

DontThumbMeDown 8

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

At least you're a good person for trying to break up a fight.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:12

He was Grumpy. You should have went and told Snow White. She'd keep his ass in check.

LaughinStock 16

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Monday 29 October 2012 16:20

No, I think he was an elf from the south. They tend to be more angry then the ones in the North Pole.