Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather...

By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Doomed

Risky business

By loverpants - 14/8/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By - 13/11/2008 02:46 - France

Today, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend who is going out with someone else. But at least I now know that he's gay. FML

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By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 14:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML

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By bloodyLIP - 14/5/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By Whoops - 6/6/2011 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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By wheelmaker - 3/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

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By rolled - 27/1/2018 01:30

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

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By stairmaster - 5/4/2011 07:47

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

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By dude5028 - 8/9/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

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By Turnaround - 7/11/2014 12:28

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter - 24/5/2011 13:59

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

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By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

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By ash - 14/1/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

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By Kelavmeister - 17/4/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2011 01:11 - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

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By mynameisnotdrew - 17/2/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 21:22 - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 17:59 - United States - Wallingford

Today, while despairing over having been rejected for my dream job, I received an email asking me to come back in for another interview. Then they called me to say they accidentally sent the email to all the applicants, and that they definitely aren't interested. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

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By Stacy Dee - 20/7/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

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By makinascene - 5/2/2009 10:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

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By caryl101698 - 9/6/2016 01:40 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2008 16:54

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

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By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - 16/6/2014 22:49 - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By Snurkles McGee - 22/5/2013 21:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

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By emmamrose7 - 15/8/2014 03:36 - United States - Vista

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

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By rebecca - 10/3/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2016 21:28 - United States - Spokane

Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML

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By forgetful - 30/10/2015 21:16 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - 20/4/2012 21:48 - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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Top comments

By noobpwn12321 | 6

#5094009 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

By TheJoeydark | 4

#5094012 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

COMMENTS

By skitzoklown | 19

#5094007 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

Sucks to hear sorry OP

Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094049 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:13

That has to be one of the most unimaginative comments ever.

ManInTheMachine | 19

#5094118 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:35

Well, it comes in a close second to "I don't know what to say" and "FYL".

DocBastard | 38

#5094130 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:39

Wow, way to try to scare the new guy away. Is there something inherently wrong with expressing sympathy? Is that what the FML community has become?

ManInTheMachine | 19

#5094149 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:42

Doc, the FML community trying to show sympathy is the equivalent of a porcupine hugging an infant. It does neither party any good, and one is left wondering "What the fuck did I do wrong?"

You tried, is what you did wrong.

Pleonasm | 34

#5094282 - Monday 29 October 2012 17:17

If he is indeed new, he could have done a lot worse for himself: cut the guy a break. he didn't say first or lol

Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094504 - Monday 29 October 2012 18:52

There's a difference between expressing sympathy and being vaguely condescending.

LiterOfCola | 16

#5095107 - Monday 29 October 2012 22:37

Personally, this is my least favorite type of comment. There's no point to it; we don't know OP, OP will probably never read this, and it would not affect OP at all even if they did read it.

mjacv2 | 5

#5099884 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 6:04

Im going to be nice and say Welcome to FML and next time don't say stupid shit pretty please.

By noobpwn12321 | 6

#5094009 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:05

They could have been friends messing around...

porcupineattack1 | 5

#5094098 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:25

Yeah shouldn't assume so quickly

Werken247 | 14

#5094159 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:44

Or lovers having a spat. I'm betting the short guy was the butch one.

sirpantselot | 22

#5095724 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:53

When will people learn, Joe Pesci doesn't need anyone's help!

imavelociraptor | 6

#5098132 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 20:01

If they were just friends messing around why would he punch OP in the face? He could have just said "we were just kidding" or ignored him.

By TheJoeydark | 4

#5094012 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:06

I would've smacked him in the face and said "I thought you needed a Little help"

crimsonlover4 | 31

#5094108 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:30

Yea he could've shown a little gratitude.

jacsoccerdude3 | 10

#5094221 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:57

Until the larger man punches op back in the face.

TheJoeydark | 4

#5096282 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:11

Lol yeah that's true, he should've then done a hit, and run! :D

TurboTurkey | 9

#5101622 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 17:06

Exactly what I was gonna say. lol That is, if OP is a fast runner.

By OhAidan | 7

#5094018 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:08

Sounds like you solved the problem, Congrats OP!

By olpally | 32

#5094022 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:09

Anybody else think of fat bastard and mini me from Austin powers? Lol. Fyl op.

gc327072 | 29

#5094123 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:37

Get in my beeelllyyyyyy!!!

greenie213 | 23

#5094214 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:55

He's not fat anymore, but his neck looks like a vagina...

ICastillo | 24

#5094731 - Monday 29 October 2012 19:58

I though of the little guy from Family Guy, the one that always says... big whoop want to fight about it.

By whiteboy896 | 9

#5094024 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

Should of have stomped that runt.

By klovemachine | 24

#5094026 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:10

I would say hit him back, OP, but he's short, so that is punishment enough :)

Vball6 | 19

#5095019 - Monday 29 October 2012 21:47

Since when was being short a punishment?

By Lucia_Malpense | 14

#5094032 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

You shouldn't have made an assumption... But at least you tried, right?

By DontThumbMeDown | 8

#5094037 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:11

At least you're a good person for trying to break up a fight.

By SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#5094039 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:12

He was Grumpy.
You should have went and told Snow White.
She'd keep his ass in check.

LaughinStock | 16

#5094081 - Monday 29 October 2012 16:20

No, I think he was an elf from the south. They tend to be more angry then the ones in the North Pole.