By Anonymous - United States

Not now!

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Vulture

Make your mind up

By abutorac951

Panic! At the Costco

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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By Breezie - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By whotouchedyou1 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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By Austin Franklin - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

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By augh

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

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By Ex-Employee - United States

Today, my boss fired me for causing a "commotion" at work while running the vacuum. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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By whereismyprince? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML

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By itendstonight - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By lonelyinlondon - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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By woofwoof - Turkey - Izmir

Today, I got mugged while walking my dog. He seemed to be OK with it. FML

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By Chicagoillinois - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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By firefliiez - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

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By fyreangel - United States - Warren

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

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By uselessdad - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By Jebus - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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By jerrid - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

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By oliveoyl - United States

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Staten Island

No balls activity

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

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By Not a day over 35 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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By

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

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By Professionally Curtious

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

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By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

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By Alexxicks

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 22/4/2021 17:01

Sorry grandma

Today, my grandma called me to see how my oral surgery went. She gave me a kiss over the phone, but when I tried to make the kiss sound back to her, the bandages got in the way and it came out as a fart sound. FML

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By wtf - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By Elizabeh - Canada

Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML

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By divineinstrument - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out why the wireless internet on my laptop wasn't working, but everything I tried completely failed. At the end of the day, my older brother came home, and fixed the problem in under 10 seconds by turning the wireless internet switch on. FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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By monster in law. - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

How? Why?

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

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Top comments

By XRiseToFallAgain | 0

#576007 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:37

Why do FML's like these always involve kid's dumb word being more trusted than the actual explanation from the adult?

By null_fml | 11

#575972 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Well, she's right... you can't.

COMMENTS

By giiiiinge | 0

#575971 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

jakedmagic | 0

#577283 - Monday 21 September 2009 1:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#601399 - Saturday 3 October 2009 18:31

Maybe she DID type "I am no longer blablabla" but the FML 300 character rule applied.

Reply

whatthefuckcunt | 0

#679280 - Thursday 19 November 2009 13:12

"Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML
#46 read it again you fuckwit.
i hate it when people are too stupid to read what is actually written and then bitch about it.

Reply

caomei | 0

#853789 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:15

can u read! wow, seriously maybe ur the one with issues...

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#986676 - Friday 30 April 2010 5:05

46 u grammar nazi yah i know its 'you' grammar Nazi

Reply

Samuel5463 | 12

#6226319 - Monday 9 March 2015 8:17

This is what I get for tapping on the comment

By null_fml | 11

#575972 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Well, she's right... you can't.

By FMLMeetYDI | 0

#575973 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Embarrassed and kicked out.... FYL

By Exiro2 | 0

#575981 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#576189 - Sunday 20 September 2009 16:01

Yeah, I wonder why she used to welcome in that store in the first place?
Seems kinda silly.

Reply

reapfml | 0

#576508 - Sunday 20 September 2009 18:24

Yeah

Reply

crazieeli | 0

#577092 - Sunday 20 September 2009 23:33

i think she worded the sentence wrong. she probably meant to say that they are no longer welcomed in the store :)

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#577604 - Monday 21 September 2009 5:00

Way to ruin the fun #44.

Reply

whatthefuckcunt | 0

#679285 - Thursday 19 November 2009 13:14

#44 you're a douche

By willyfacehenry | 0

#575986 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:19

i feel your pain.....toy shops are not a place to pretend to be a pedophile

Reply

tNa693 | 0

#576355 - Sunday 20 September 2009 17:16

what does this even mean??

Reply

facilitator | 0

#2224582 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 20:05

it means he lives with a blue square over his house

Reply

Hisbabyforever | 0

#2272581 - Thursday 31 March 2011 15:33

and what does that mean? javing a blue square over his house?

By MLSxxox | 3

#575996 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:24

Ah dont ya just love kids?? ko xxox

By XRiseToFallAgain | 0

#576007 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:37

Why do FML's like these always involve kid's dumb word being more trusted than the actual explanation from the adult?

Reply

catriona_cd | 0

#576024 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:58

Lets se if I got this right.
You take jeans into a change room, to try them on and they believe you were having a piss because of a lil kid??
BULLSHIT !!!!!!

Reply

willyfacehenry | 0

#576076 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

catriona_cd | 0

#576259 - Sunday 20 September 2009 16:31

nah it says a woman not a priest lol

Reply

mandy23q | 0

#578011 - Monday 21 September 2009 12:28

ahahaha #20
my parish priest just got arrested last week for trying to meet up with a "teenage girl" :(

By Masenko7 | 12

#576041 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:13

how embarrassing :o!

By FeeNoire | 0

#576044 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:14

awww that actually sounds like a really cute thing for her to say. embarrassing though, but cute none the less.

By wrigglezeus | 0

#576057 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:36

I'd believe it. little kids tend to be more blunt lol. FYL