By Anonymous - United States

Not now!

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Triage

Great question

By nurse - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

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By why me?? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By disapointed girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

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By stinkerweeder - United States

Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Laurel

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By nopenopenopenope - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By Out of Shape - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

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By KaraAnn17 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By dramaqueen15

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

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By whatgoesaround - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Allen - United States

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

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By 613tanner

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By foretwintie - Canada

Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

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By porkers gonna pork :\ - Australia - Elsternwick

And I oop

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

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By dab1230 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By Wally - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By wrecked - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

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By riptoofie - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

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By hc11bmd - United States - Bethel

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

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By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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By englishclasshigh - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

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By Lockout - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

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By andi0804 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

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By freshman - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

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Top comments

By XRiseToFallAgain | 0

#576007 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:37

Why do FML's like these always involve kid's dumb word being more trusted than the actual explanation from the adult?

By null_fml | 11

#575972 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Well, she's right... you can't.

COMMENTS

By giiiiinge | 0

#575971 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jakedmagic | 0

#577283 - Monday 21 September 2009 1:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#601399 - Saturday 3 October 2009 18:31

Maybe she DID type "I am no longer blablabla" but the FML 300 character rule applied.

Reply

whatthefuckcunt | 0

#679280 - Thursday 19 November 2009 13:12

"Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML
#46 read it again you fuckwit.
i hate it when people are too stupid to read what is actually written and then bitch about it.

Reply

caomei | 0

#853789 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:15

can u read! wow, seriously maybe ur the one with issues...

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#986676 - Friday 30 April 2010 5:05

46 u grammar nazi yah i know its 'you' grammar Nazi

Reply

Samuel5463 | 12

#6226319 - Monday 9 March 2015 8:17

This is what I get for tapping on the comment

By null_fml | 11

#575972 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Well, she's right... you can't.

By FMLMeetYDI | 0

#575973 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:12

Embarrassed and kicked out.... FYL

By Exiro2 | 0

#575981 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#576189 - Sunday 20 September 2009 16:01

Yeah, I wonder why she used to welcome in that store in the first place?
Seems kinda silly.

Reply

reapfml | 0

#576508 - Sunday 20 September 2009 18:24

Yeah

Reply

crazieeli | 0

#577092 - Sunday 20 September 2009 23:33

i think she worded the sentence wrong. she probably meant to say that they are no longer welcomed in the store :)

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#577604 - Monday 21 September 2009 5:00

Way to ruin the fun #44.

Reply

whatthefuckcunt | 0

#679285 - Thursday 19 November 2009 13:14

#44 you're a douche

By willyfacehenry | 0

#575986 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:19

i feel your pain.....toy shops are not a place to pretend to be a pedophile

Reply

tNa693 | 0

#576355 - Sunday 20 September 2009 17:16

what does this even mean??

Reply

facilitator | 0

#2224582 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 20:05

it means he lives with a blue square over his house

Reply

Hisbabyforever | 0

#2272581 - Thursday 31 March 2011 15:33

and what does that mean? javing a blue square over his house?

By MLSxxox | 3

#575996 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:24

Ah dont ya just love kids?? ko xxox

By XRiseToFallAgain | 0

#576007 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:37

Why do FML's like these always involve kid's dumb word being more trusted than the actual explanation from the adult?

Reply

catriona_cd | 0

#576024 - Sunday 20 September 2009 12:58

Lets se if I got this right.
You take jeans into a change room, to try them on and they believe you were having a piss because of a lil kid??
BULLSHIT !!!!!!

Reply

willyfacehenry | 0

#576076 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

catriona_cd | 0

#576259 - Sunday 20 September 2009 16:31

nah it says a woman not a priest lol

Reply

mandy23q | 0

#578011 - Monday 21 September 2009 12:28

ahahaha #20
my parish priest just got arrested last week for trying to meet up with a "teenage girl" :(

By Masenko7 | 12

#576041 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:13

how embarrassing :o!

By FeeNoire | 0

#576044 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:14

awww that actually sounds like a really cute thing for her to say. embarrassing though, but cute none the less.

By wrigglezeus | 0

#576057 - Sunday 20 September 2009 13:36

I'd believe it. little kids tend to be more blunt lol. FYL