Work: Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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Proactive

Vulture

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 05:01

Spoiled for choice

Today, my bedroom in my gran's house gets the most sun in the evenings. There is no AC, not even a fan, and the only place cool enough to sleep is the basement. Which probably hasn’t been cleaned since the '80s, and I have to share it with the biggest spider ever and a beehive in the roller shutter casing. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By Bubbah - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

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By KTK - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By

My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By Good Luck Chuck - United States - Orlando

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

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By DumbFish

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 04:59

Nostalgia goggles

Today, I found out my ex broke up with me after 3 years because he's still in love with his ex, who he hasn't spoken to in 6 years. And she dumped him for the same reason. FML

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By If IQs could be negative... - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

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By noantiquesforme - United States - Santa Clara

Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

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By Skyhopee - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

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By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

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By GeeThanksMom

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By Austin - United States

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

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By pinkfloyd777

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By spermbankonlegs - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By author - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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By metallicatime - United States

Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML

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By the_pheasant66 - Ireland

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. When I got home to show my family, my little sister said, "That's so fake!" and tore it off my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By lk07

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By artist - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By coughandcold - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By ihatethisjob - United States - Romulus

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By PeppermintPenny

Been There

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

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Top comments

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

COMMENTS

By kerrwoof | 13

#5265912 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

How did this post make it through the moderate process? How you worded it was terrible.
Let the thumb downs begin.

By RAUHWeltBegriff | 9

#5265913 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

shitty

Reply

the_smart_way | 10

#5266072 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Attempt at a joke

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5266392 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:23

I cracked up at this comment just because of its pure stupidity.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5266740 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:59

In order to preserve the sacred tradition I will say it xD "what a shitty situation OP" xD

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

Reply

MarilynI | 9

#5266089 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:30

Haha it's maybe a little overboard...

Reply

spikekutter | 9

#5266151 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:49

how am i high or stupid? i think that op is the high or stupid one..

Reply

keverdeen | 14

#5266162 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:52

Well now I stand corrected #38. good God.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5266255 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:29

#38- I remember reading that on the day it was published. Freaking hilarious!
This one comes as a close second though!

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266355 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:13

Aw OP, what a shitty sit.....

Gets head bashed on keyboard dnksjshabahhalaodbrbaklalsdd

Reply

soccerchick800 | 10

#5266413 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:35

I don't think I've ever read an FML with such a strong British accent in my head before!

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5266657 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:02

There is no such thing as a British accent. What you're hearing in your head is the posh Hollywood stereotype. We aren't all Colin Firth!

Reply

skyttlz | 32

#5268919 - Friday 21 December 2012 22:21

That story made me realize national dog day is my birthday lol.

By omegafml | 3

#5265917 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

Ouch, I would get him back even worse

Reply

TopBanana20 | 11

#5266054 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:23

The guy got suspended, if OP "got him back worse", I'm sure OP would get ratted out and suspended too. So kind of pointless, don't you think?

By spikekutter | 9

#5265920 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

yeah, this fml doesnt make much sense the first time you read it..

Reply

Shrike | 22

#5265973 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:08

Holy shit, you must be pretty high and/or stupid, then.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5266007 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:13

It's the end of the world, what do you expect, Shrike?

Reply

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5266084 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

Too many people just skim right through everything

Reply

mtlfenix | 7

#5266663 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:08

No, just f'n stupid ... I'm high and I got it right away :)

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

Reply

GothickNihilist | 15

#5266070 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Cockbite is definitely a new one. It's right up there with asscricket and fuckball.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5266131 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:43

Don't forget asscandle

Reply

olpally | 32

#5266198 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:08

And douche nozzle! Lol :D

Reply

jonmansheppard | 9

#5266344 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:09

And, a bit older, but pimply cockmunch

Reply

Prodigy7 | 4

#5266614 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:29

Cockbreath.

Reply

LadyTorako | 7

#5266648 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:58

Or my personal favorite-- asshat :)

Reply

freshprizzle1 | 13

#5266694 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:52

How about "peniswrinkle"?

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5266934 - Friday 21 December 2012 10:23

Cuntnugget! Piece of ass, fuckass, cheesy scrotum, dickpicker.

Reply

lemonlift | 6

#5270196 - Saturday 22 December 2012 7:34

I like the pun in there, "this shit" good stuff op

By MisterMichael | 9

#5265934 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:05

What movies have you been watching?

Reply

FlamingTacos | 7

#5266352 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:12

Dumb and dumber

Reply

MisterMichael | 9

#5267405 - Friday 21 December 2012 15:52

Touché

By Pleonasm | 34

#5265946 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:06

That sounds like a Hole lot of pain.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266350 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:11

Agreed. I have to Ass a point, that your co-worker is despicable. What a turd. It's time to go nuclear with him. What a crappy shituation.

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5269164 - Saturday 22 December 2012 1:16

oj101; You tried way to hard to make your so-called puns work. Some of them didn't even make any sense, and the rest just didn't go together to make a coherent sentence.

By mbpoland | 5

#5265952 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

Wait, I thought that biological and nuclear warfare were against the Geneva convention?

By onorexveritas | 23

#5265956 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

you know it doesn't just happen in movies

Reply

naya_bingi | 11

#5266086 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

I'm preeeeetty sure he knows by now.

Reply

onorexveritas | 23

#5266720 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:34

that was my point