Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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And probably giggling

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Craft beer bores

By Anonymous

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

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By I should have kept my mouth shut - United States - Davis

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my friends showed me a video of me blind drunk last night, getting into a fight with my front door. The door won, unlike my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

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By laughing-stock - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

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By ClosetMishap - Canada

Today, I told my friends I had been hiding something that I wanted to come clean on. My one friend responds by saying, "FINALLY you come out of the closet. It's about time." I'm not gay. I was just going to tell them my parents were getting a divorce. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By rmo1776 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By Coyote

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By Yuni - United States

Mom of the year

Today, I went to a restaurant that I always go to, and one of the cute waiters gave me a discount. My mother called me a whore in the middle of the restaurant, then slapped me when I cried. FML

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By AliKate

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

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By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

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By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By mommiedearest - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By theblackrose23 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got banned from my boyfriend's house for being an "insurance liability." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

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By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Marking territory

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

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By mylifeblows - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

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By No O-face - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By ohai95 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

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By Cygnus - United States - Ruthven

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

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By Mel Cluze

Fire!

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

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By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

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By ELLI

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By j4 - United Kingdom

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

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By ALetterADay

Today, I wrote a long, loving and emotional Christmas letter to my girlfriend, leaving it for her to read when she woke up. Halfway through the day, I received a text stating that she saw my "breakup letter" and threw out all my stuff. I can't even contact her now. FML

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Top comments

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

COMMENTS

By kerrwoof | 13

#5265912 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

How did this post make it through the moderate process? How you worded it was terrible.
Let the thumb downs begin.

By RAUHWeltBegriff | 9

#5265913 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

shitty

Reply

the_smart_way | 10

#5266072 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Attempt at a joke

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5266392 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:23

I cracked up at this comment just because of its pure stupidity.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5266740 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:59

In order to preserve the sacred tradition I will say it xD "what a shitty situation OP" xD

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

Reply

MarilynI | 9

#5266089 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:30

Haha it's maybe a little overboard...

Reply

spikekutter | 9

#5266151 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:49

how am i high or stupid? i think that op is the high or stupid one..

Reply

keverdeen | 14

#5266162 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:52

Well now I stand corrected #38. good God.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5266255 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:29

#38- I remember reading that on the day it was published. Freaking hilarious!
This one comes as a close second though!

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266355 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:13

Aw OP, what a shitty sit.....

Gets head bashed on keyboard dnksjshabahhalaodbrbaklalsdd

Reply

soccerchick800 | 10

#5266413 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:35

I don't think I've ever read an FML with such a strong British accent in my head before!

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5266657 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:02

There is no such thing as a British accent. What you're hearing in your head is the posh Hollywood stereotype. We aren't all Colin Firth!

Reply

skyttlz | 32

#5268919 - Friday 21 December 2012 22:21

That story made me realize national dog day is my birthday lol.

By omegafml | 3

#5265917 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

Ouch, I would get him back even worse

Reply

TopBanana20 | 11

#5266054 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:23

The guy got suspended, if OP "got him back worse", I'm sure OP would get ratted out and suspended too. So kind of pointless, don't you think?

By spikekutter | 9

#5265920 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

yeah, this fml doesnt make much sense the first time you read it..

Reply

Shrike | 22

#5265973 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:08

Holy shit, you must be pretty high and/or stupid, then.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5266007 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:13

It's the end of the world, what do you expect, Shrike?

Reply

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5266084 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

Too many people just skim right through everything

Reply

mtlfenix | 7

#5266663 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:08

No, just f'n stupid ... I'm high and I got it right away :)

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

Reply

GothickNihilist | 15

#5266070 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Cockbite is definitely a new one. It's right up there with asscricket and fuckball.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5266131 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:43

Don't forget asscandle

Reply

olpally | 32

#5266198 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:08

And douche nozzle! Lol :D

Reply

jonmansheppard | 9

#5266344 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:09

And, a bit older, but pimply cockmunch

Reply

Prodigy7 | 4

#5266614 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:29

Cockbreath.

Reply

LadyTorako | 7

#5266648 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:58

Or my personal favorite-- asshat :)

Reply

freshprizzle1 | 13

#5266694 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:52

How about "peniswrinkle"?

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5266934 - Friday 21 December 2012 10:23

Cuntnugget! Piece of ass, fuckass, cheesy scrotum, dickpicker.

Reply

lemonlift | 6

#5270196 - Saturday 22 December 2012 7:34

I like the pun in there, "this shit" good stuff op

By MisterMichael | 9

#5265934 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:05

What movies have you been watching?

Reply

FlamingTacos | 7

#5266352 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:12

Dumb and dumber

Reply

MisterMichael | 9

#5267405 - Friday 21 December 2012 15:52

Touché

By Pleonasm | 34

#5265946 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:06

That sounds like a Hole lot of pain.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266350 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:11

Agreed. I have to Ass a point, that your co-worker is despicable. What a turd. It's time to go nuclear with him. What a crappy shituation.

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5269164 - Saturday 22 December 2012 1:16

oj101; You tried way to hard to make your so-called puns work. Some of them didn't even make any sense, and the rest just didn't go together to make a coherent sentence.

By mbpoland | 5

#5265952 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

Wait, I thought that biological and nuclear warfare were against the Geneva convention?

By onorexveritas | 23

#5265956 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

you know it doesn't just happen in movies

Reply

naya_bingi | 11

#5266086 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

I'm preeeeetty sure he knows by now.

Reply

onorexveritas | 23

#5266720 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:34

that was my point