Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 21:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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Understandable

Live dumping

Tidy your room

By FamilySecret - 29/1/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 00:01

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

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By dumped - 1/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By unluckydude - 29/6/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By themildthings - 21/9/2010 07:10 - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

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By noname - 25/6/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

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By 530gangsta - 25/4/2017 16:00

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

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By now what - 24/12/2014 05:56 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 12:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By Sticky floor - 27/7/2018 05:00

Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML

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By FarewellRalphs - 24/5/2017 20:00

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By AquaRevolver - 25/5/2009 10:35 - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boss told me to check out the situation in the restroom. Someone had crapped themselves, rolled their underwear into a ball, and had the audacity to write that they were sorry in sharpie on the wall. FML

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By sadbride - 26/10/2012 03:58 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

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By hawkknight - 23/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

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By I_dislike_Twilight - 8/9/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

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By Fred - 6/1/2009 08:28 - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

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By grossedoutgirlfriend - 4/10/2019 14:00

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

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By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

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By fuckmyjob - 19/6/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

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By ThatSped - 18/2/2016 03:22 - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

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By roark0806 - 29/5/2009 13:54 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

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By lawman - 15/8/2013 13:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML

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By Single Again - 7/3/2020 06:11

Cunning

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 16:00

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By kenleybunch - 12/3/2013 13:22 - United States - Greenville

Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend. 20 minutes into hanging out, he showed up at my door. He still hasn't left, and they're having sex on my couch right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By annoyed - 2/11/2012 10:37 - United States - Wyoming

Today, I finally got to attend the concert I have been anticipating for weeks. The band was great. The drunk guy sitting behind me yelling profanity and out of tune lyrics in my ear throughout the entire show, however, was not. FML

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By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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Top comments

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

COMMENTS

By kerrwoof | 13

#5265912 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

How did this post make it through the moderate process? How you worded it was terrible.
Let the thumb downs begin.

By RAUHWeltBegriff | 9

#5265913 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

shitty

Reply

the_smart_way | 10

#5266072 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Attempt at a joke

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5266392 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:23

I cracked up at this comment just because of its pure stupidity.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5266740 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:59

In order to preserve the sacred tradition I will say it xD "what a shitty situation OP" xD

By keverdeen | 14

#5265915 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...

Reply

MarilynI | 9

#5266089 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:30

Haha it's maybe a little overboard...

Reply

spikekutter | 9

#5266151 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:49

how am i high or stupid? i think that op is the high or stupid one..

Reply

keverdeen | 14

#5266162 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:52

Well now I stand corrected #38. good God.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5266255 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:29

#38- I remember reading that on the day it was published. Freaking hilarious!
This one comes as a close second though!

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266355 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:13

Aw OP, what a shitty sit.....

Gets head bashed on keyboard dnksjshabahhalaodbrbaklalsdd

Reply

soccerchick800 | 10

#5266413 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:35

I don't think I've ever read an FML with such a strong British accent in my head before!

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5266657 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:02

There is no such thing as a British accent. What you're hearing in your head is the posh Hollywood stereotype. We aren't all Colin Firth!

Reply

skyttlz | 32

#5268919 - Friday 21 December 2012 22:21

That story made me realize national dog day is my birthday lol.

By omegafml | 3

#5265917 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:03

Ouch, I would get him back even worse

Reply

TopBanana20 | 11

#5266054 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:23

The guy got suspended, if OP "got him back worse", I'm sure OP would get ratted out and suspended too. So kind of pointless, don't you think?

By spikekutter | 9

#5265920 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

yeah, this fml doesnt make much sense the first time you read it..

Reply

Shrike | 22

#5265973 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:08

Holy shit, you must be pretty high and/or stupid, then.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5266007 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:13

It's the end of the world, what do you expect, Shrike?

Reply

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5266084 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

Too many people just skim right through everything

Reply

mtlfenix | 7

#5266663 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:08

No, just f'n stupid ... I'm high and I got it right away :)

By verkaderk | 9

#5265922 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

Your descriptive wording astounds me

Reply

GothickNihilist | 15

#5266070 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:27

Cockbite is definitely a new one. It's right up there with asscricket and fuckball.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5266131 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:43

Don't forget asscandle

Reply

olpally | 32

#5266198 - Friday 21 December 2012 3:08

And douche nozzle! Lol :D

Reply

jonmansheppard | 9

#5266344 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:09

And, a bit older, but pimply cockmunch

Reply

Prodigy7 | 4

#5266614 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:29

Cockbreath.

Reply

LadyTorako | 7

#5266648 - Friday 21 December 2012 6:58

Or my personal favorite-- asshat :)

Reply

freshprizzle1 | 13

#5266694 - Friday 21 December 2012 7:52

How about "peniswrinkle"?

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5266934 - Friday 21 December 2012 10:23

Cuntnugget! Piece of ass, fuckass, cheesy scrotum, dickpicker.

Reply

lemonlift | 6

#5270196 - Saturday 22 December 2012 7:34

I like the pun in there, "this shit" good stuff op

By MisterMichael | 9

#5265934 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:05

What movies have you been watching?

Reply

FlamingTacos | 7

#5266352 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:12

Dumb and dumber

Reply

MisterMichael | 9

#5267405 - Friday 21 December 2012 15:52

Touché

By Pleonasm | 34

#5265946 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:06

That sounds like a Hole lot of pain.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5266350 - Friday 21 December 2012 4:11

Agreed. I have to Ass a point, that your co-worker is despicable. What a turd. It's time to go nuclear with him. What a crappy shituation.

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5269164 - Saturday 22 December 2012 1:16

oj101; You tried way to hard to make your so-called puns work. Some of them didn't even make any sense, and the rest just didn't go together to make a coherent sentence.

By mbpoland | 5

#5265952 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

Wait, I thought that biological and nuclear warfare were against the Geneva convention?

By onorexveritas | 23

#5265956 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

you know it doesn't just happen in movies

Reply

naya_bingi | 11

#5266086 - Friday 21 December 2012 2:29

I'm preeeeetty sure he knows by now.

Reply

onorexveritas | 23

#5266720 - Friday 21 December 2012 8:34

that was my point