Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I have been victimised by a lunch thief at work for months, despite numerous complaints to management, so I exposed the thief by lacing my curry with that old classic, laxatives. Even though my coworker was caught brown-handed shitting himself, I was the one suspended for making him sick. FML
Today, after weeks of stealing lunch from one of my employees, he made a sandwich with canned cat food, soap, and something unimaginably spicy that caused me to spew all over my office and laptop. I fired him. Now everyone is treating me like a monster. FML
Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML
Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML
Today, as if having diarrhea at work wasn’t bad enough, my office’s aggressively flushing toilet sprayed me with my own liquid shit. FML
Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML
Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML
Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML
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Top comments
keverdeen 14
I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...
verkaderk 9
Your descriptive wording astounds me
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Comments (124)
Obey_StudBoii 23
Shit happens.
jackw428 6
Is anyone else confused as to why this is a YDI? It seems like most of the FMLs today have been YDIs despite them not seeming like it. Maybe that's just me though.
Jessj958 19
Yes, I am very confused as to why so many people voted YDI. Doesn't seem like OP did anything to deserve it.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
#34- I think a mod said somewhere that it's a glitch in the system. That's what others have commented, anyway.
Shayton 12
Sounds like a lot of shit to handle.
crazye97 5
Is that what happens when you work in the shitty of London? (No, not from anywhere nearby, just punning on words...)
zingline89 18
His work will need new toilets because he probably rectum.
BellaBelle_fml 23
I do believe that this is the best pun about this FML. Well done!
day624 14
Confused as to how he deserves this?!
DarthVader77 9
It is a brilliant idea! Thank you, some people will be getting it now!!!
sweetxxsongbird 11
Can someone explain to me how he deserves it?
dabob 2
can somebody explain to me why op deserved this?
vladimirnabokov 15
cockbite…I like.
KiddNYC1O 22
That's a new one.