Animals: Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After...

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 19:50 - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 940

You deserved it 9 647

Animals

Walk the line

Taking stock

I'm not that old!

By mylifeblows - 19/08/2010 06:15 - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 968

You deserved it 8 468

By Anonymous - 27/08/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 807

You deserved it 12 655

By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 350

You deserved it 4 027

By Anonymous - 07/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 636

You deserved it 3 741

By Cheating - 27/01/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 780

You deserved it 3 162

By Shotacon - 07/04/2016 03:06 - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 053

You deserved it 1 278

By dazedandconfused - 18/09/2016 09:44 - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 349

You deserved it 1 087

By canispankthat - 01/10/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 608

You deserved it 4 838

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 155

You deserved it 2 856

By veggiepower11028 - 31/05/2011 12:02

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 777

You deserved it 8 847

By Earthling - 25/08/2016 02:20 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 261

You deserved it 983

By cat cat - 13/07/2018 01:30

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 934

You deserved it 464

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 08:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 300

You deserved it 1 730

By apav - 11/06/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 805

You deserved it 24 367

By one sorry mom - 05/09/2017 04:31

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 883

You deserved it 6 904

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 927

You deserved it 4 962

By Anonymous - 29/06/2016 01:51

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 441

You deserved it 896

By Anonymous - 12/04/2014 01:40 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 851

You deserved it 3 438

By stick - 20/10/2009 16:05 - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 329

You deserved it 171 712

By maalmawr - 02/04/2016 05:20 - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 881

You deserved it 3 398

By jakeson12 - 24/11/2012 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 858

You deserved it 3 514

By gabbykinz13 - 08/03/2012 21:48 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 013

You deserved it 57 055

By Dr. Virgin - 24/02/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 917

You deserved it 6 495

By embarrassed - 12/07/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 175

You deserved it 12 608

By BarryShitpeas - 19/09/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 603

You deserved it 5 754

Good enough reason

By Anonymous - 17/05/2017 20:00

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 059

You deserved it 448

Fake news

By Anonymous - 18/07/2014 20:04 - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 261

You deserved it 3 447

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 725

You deserved it 3 035

Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 17:02

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 2 574

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 754

You deserved it 15 394

By unicorn_skies - 18/01/2014 08:33 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 528

You deserved it 57 498

By girly - 12/04/2012 04:06 - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 525

You deserved it 52 512

By allergyssuck - 05/07/2018 20:30

Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I am allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I am allergic to it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 680

You deserved it 266

Bodyshaming

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 54

By Roode - 22/07/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 549

You deserved it 5 470

By Kaji - 14/11/2008 11:20 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 461

You deserved it 24 014

By Anonymous - 18/04/2015 16:45 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 951

You deserved it 11 557

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 508

You deserved it 5 112

By Old? - 14/01/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 670

You deserved it 2 233

By Saw - 11/02/2012 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 575

You deserved it 2 628

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Top comments

LuckBeNimble 19

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

this is why I prefer cats. a cat would've let me sleep while it threw up...

perdix 29

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:07

You should have brushed your teeth before you opened the door. Your morning breath was probably an emetic.

krad204 21

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:01

So the world just ended? Lol...

CheeseHater 23

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:05

Yep, quite a lot of fire bolts at my place. It started an hour ago, going from Greenwich time at 0:00. We are having a hell of a party.

verkaderk 9

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:14

Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

aussieaccents 7

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Friday 21 December 2012 3:34

I would've thrown up on you too if I had to wait outside your door that long.

etchsanity1 11

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Friday 21 December 2012 4:30

Nope it doesn't end until you get into the same time zone as the Mayans.... But the FML has the dog trying to warn you just like they lay down during earthquakes or storms lol

LuckBeNimble 19

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:04

this is why I prefer cats. a cat would've let me sleep while it threw up...

budnut 10

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:05

Not always my cat attacked my face just to vomit on my chest

kingsian 15

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:06

Lol yes cat people unite

Ameel_fml 19

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Friday 21 December 2012 2:06

Can I trade cats? My cats just throw up wherever they want (usually a really hard-for-humans-to-reach place) and sometimes I won't find it until days later. :( At least my dog tells me she's going to throw up and usually makes it outside before she does.

StalkerChick 13

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Friday 21 December 2012 3:31

My cat(she was a kitten at the time) threw up on the hardwood floor( >2 feet away from her litter box) then did the paw-swipe thing as if she was burying it.

perdix 29

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Friday 21 December 2012 3:49

I had a cat that came into my room, looked me in the eye and took a shit on the carpet. I should have entered that as an FML even though it happened years ago.

seandoc 13

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Friday 21 December 2012 4:19

I despise cats. Not only am I allergic, but they are also lazy and boring creatures. Eat, poop, sleep, scratch my owner, repeat.

Teyros 24

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Friday 21 December 2012 8:31

My cat never really causes problems, but everyone can find good things about their animals. No matter what animal. Opinions are the only facts on FML..