Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I have been victimised by a lunch thief at work for months, despite numerous complaints to management, so I exposed the thief by lacing my curry with that old classic, laxatives. Even though my coworker was caught brown-handed shitting himself, I was the one suspended for making him sick. FML
Today, after weeks of stealing lunch from one of my employees, he made a sandwich with canned cat food, soap, and something unimaginably spicy that caused me to spew all over my office and laptop. I fired him. Now everyone is treating me like a monster. FML
Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML
Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML
Today, as if having diarrhea at work wasn’t bad enough, my office’s aggressively flushing toilet sprayed me with my own liquid shit. FML
Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML
Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML
Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML
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Top comments
keverdeen 14
I don't think I've ever read an fml with such detailed imagery...
verkaderk 9
Your descriptive wording astounds me
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Comments (124)
minzzy 8
I like how you called him a "juvenile cockbite."
gracehi 33
"I thought this SHIT only happened in movies." I see what you did there, OP. ;)
blunttobluntest 12
That shit is genius!
zombieslayer83 19
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
SakataGintoki 9
More like out of his hole! ;P
seandoc 13
What an intelligent vocabulary
FMLKitten 15
Almost as intelligent as your grammar.
bakerella 29
All because they didn't add a period at the end? Nice
seandoc 13
I don't see what the problem is with my grammar.
FMLKitten 15
In my opinion, #15's comment doesn't sound grammatically correct. But who knows? It could be one of those weird cases where it is correct but sounds like it shouldn't be.
seandoc 13
#27, I don't see anything wrong with my grammar. But who knows? Maybe you're right about me being wrong!
GothickNihilist 15
There is no problem with your grammar. Your picture however is slightly disturbing.
seandoc 13
#44, I appreciate the honesty, but, that was my intention.
cognauticcreix 9
I believe one's vocabulary is generally described in terms of size or quality (eg, large or excellent). One's prose, however, may be described as "intelligent," or articulate, pretentious, or pedantic, as more examples. In terms of parts of speech it's not correct, but if we're getting really nit picky it's bad usage.
cognauticcreix 9
Not incorrect*
malikadreams 4
It should actually read "what intelligent vocabulary", sorry two years of Higher Level IB English turned me into a grammar nazi.
seandoc 13
Sorry that Higher Level IB turned you into an grammar imbecile? Me too.
little_one 20
Wow is the toilet still in one piece after that catastrophic defacation?
jazzybaby179 22
Wow what an asshole!!
ICastillo 25
Just like after eating Mexican food. That feeling like you're ******** lava, it's just not a good feeling.
olpally 33
Great fml. Love the choice of words "juvenile cockbite" lmao. That's a real pain in the ass op. don't worry, the world will end tomorrow with your nuclear war head still going off. Lol.
BellaBelle_fml 23
I really admire your optimism! And I'm not being sarcastic or rude by saying this. I genuinely do enjoy reading most of your comments, even though a lot of them don't really make much sense. Because you can almost always find a 'bright side' in practically every situation described in the FML when there doesn't seem to be one. Have a nice day olpally :)
perdix 31
The hyperbole is too much for me. Everyone within miles of a nuclear strike would be literally vaporized. An M-80 exploded in the arsehole would be more relatable . . . don't ask me how.
TheDrifter 24
Perhaps it's more apt than we think. OP might just be a raging fart machine, the turds having been vaporized by the intense heat and velocity.
VooDooCarrie91 19
You seem pretty butthurt about the situation, OP