Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
I agree, your life sucks 36 952
You deserved it 5 599

Same thing different taste

Top comments

Glitterhinoceros 14

Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>


Glitterhinoceros 14

Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>

Retracted into your body? So you're a dog then? Fascinating!

xXxIracebethxXx 14

Did anyone else think of that one Scary Movie scene with the two black people? "I will shit on these walls!!!"

Andr913 13

"I want to fellate you so bad" made me literally LOL.

Damn_Hippster 11

I don't know what you guys are talking about, the word tushy alone, practically made my dick fall off.

nonamericandolla 6

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I hope she was joking or something because as #1 said, that's not attractive

It's not attractive but it sounds like op's "girlfriend" is some sort of mail order bride. Be nice, she just learned English.

msjoyfull84 0

Now wonder I keep getting dumped......... Facepalm

wow... sexy tonee haha this made my day, I laughed a ton but sorry that you got nothing good out of it :/ the last time I heard Tushy was when I watched The Nanny

At least she's willing to "fellate" you?

monkeysareyummy 0

I literally have never heard the word "tushy" spoken out loud. Ever.

52 You know as well as the rest of us that we all wait for something bad to happen so we can post it on FML >.>

I pity you, though in order to help yourself, criticise her constructively.

godofswag 6

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GovernorGeneral 8

138- teachers say it all the time aha

tweetbaby14 18

122, because you made the duck-face, I couldn't bring myself to thumb you up. I apologize.

diidiimi 10

Tee hee.... It reminds me of that college humor skit where the chick keeps saying things like "I'm gonna make it so dry for you"!

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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235, you sound like a whiny little who hit puberty.

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Pass the popcorn, this is so intense *watches in anticipation*

I think OP's gf is more into S&M thana he is...

did she at least have a tuhy worth looking at?

Sparks808 10

At least she didn't go: Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?!

IAdminIFlow 0

This comment made my day haha

Lol I find it funny that this comment has 69 thumbs up.

kiran_fml 5

they try to catch me talkin dirty

lebronesque73091 12

Yeah, that sounds like a major turnoff.

zachattack112492 4

70Your profile picture is not FML appropriate

Yea, just find a few termite women and your wood is gone!!

Are you retarded? You sure look retarded. I would fix the picture of you asap. =)

Everytime I see the word obviously it automatically goes to Severus's voice anyway

Do you know what you just said? Because I sure as hell don't.

Yea I don't get what the hell you just babbled either - thumbs down-

It's actually a well known saying, "to each their own!"

It's actually 'To each his own', but you more or less got the vibe.

So I was wrong in my first comment, but it got more thumbs up... That confuses me. How well known is the saying?

godisnowhere41 5

Quite, but atleast you know it know

108- You couldve waited before thumbing down. People just go trigger happy with the thumbing down on here

tweetbaby14 18

196, I was thumbing people down on my iPhone 10 before it was cool. *scoffs*

Does getting thumbed down have a direct link to your self worth?

108 - By dictionary definition, wit is "the natural ability to perceive and understand; intelligence." I have this strange feeling you picked the wrong screen name if you're never heard that saying before...

MrSexyPants 14

Haha I imagined it retracting like a light saber. That situation sounds so uncomfortable.

CaptainPickles72 18

It would be even more like a light-saber if he was wearing a glow in the dark condom!

And then Luke goes in and grabs it and starts swinging it around and... I think I am getting to excited here.

^You mad? Oh, wait. Should've read your name before I said that...

dabomb1463 0

I love ur name Mr. Sexypants and urs to Mr. Sassypants

CaptainPickles72 18

And I'm the pickle between the two pants! ;)

drawmesunshine 17

And I'm the one awkwardly demanding artistically rendered pictographical representations of the sun and all of it's shine.

CremeEggs 6

And I am the Creme Egg that give you energy, and possible aphrodisiac qualities for such times when you fornicate.

aisthecoolest 8

A light saber? I pictured It being sucked into a vortex ;D

omg I just laughed for about two minutes

DontModMeDammit 10
CaptainPickles72 18

I hate that every time someone says "scissor" or "scissoring" I think of Ms. Garrison...

49-It's comforting to know I'm not the only one

Dude if u lose your boner around a girl it could mean your gay

Ferretface 13

No, if you're attracted to men your gay.

Ferretface 13
Ferretface 13

So if I put you next to Rosie o'donnell youre saying you would get a boner?

flockz 19

i have a feeling that no girl has ever seen diagon's boner before.

littletinyME 5

This makes me sad for humanity :(

I wonder if they have seen Diagon's Alley though?

158- are your **** a gay test for this lil discussion going on?

Ferretface, I would like your comment, but it has 69 likes at the moment and I am far too immature to change that.

lrgenesis 19

135- I feel like diagon has never seen diagons boner before

aisthecoolest 8
SupahAsian 4

Never underestimate the sexiness of ice.

But I've never seen dirty talk that's so... Dirty!