Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
Pr0metheus 7
Retracted into your body? So you're a dog then? Fascinating!
EduJav321 24
She needs lessons
xXxIracebethxXx 14
Did anyone else think of that one Scary Movie scene with the two black people? "I will shit on these walls!!!"
Andr913 13
"I want to fellate you so bad" made me literally LOL.
Damn_Hippster 11
I don't know what you guys are talking about, the word tushy alone, practically made my dick fall off.
nonamericandolla 6
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
She was trying her best to be sexy and she failed! F her life for having a bf like u to complain about so much that u put it onFML! Ur mean! Try to talk it over with her!!
biggestfan23 11
I hope she was joking or something because as #1 said, that's not attractive
Rachel1987 4
It's not attractive but it sounds like op's "girlfriend" is some sort of mail order bride. Be nice, she just learned English.
msjoyfull84 0
Now wonder I keep getting dumped......... Facepalm
iteenlovequotes 19
wow... sexy tonee haha this made my day, I laughed a ton but sorry that you got nothing good out of it :/ the last time I heard Tushy was when I watched The Nanny
jlee98 0
But you are
naughtia 14
At least she's willing to "fellate" you?
monkeysareyummy 0
I literally have never heard the word "tushy" spoken out loud. Ever.
urdirtyolduncle 15
52- You jelly?
gojira666 7
E for effort. Send her to my house.
Cedar4 1
And for my next trick.......
Betweenlions 0
52 You know as well as the rest of us that we all wait for something bad to happen so we can post it on FML >.>
Angitia 8
I pity you, though in order to help yourself, criticise her constructively.
godofswag 6
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
FIND A NEW GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND
GovernorGeneral 8
138- teachers say it all the time aha
tweetbaby14 18
122, because you made the duck-face, I couldn't bring myself to thumb you up. I apologize.
diidiimi 10
Tee hee.... It reminds me of that college humor skit where the chick keeps saying things like "I'm gonna make it so dry for you"!
theaws0m3guy 4
A *******'s a *******...
xXxIracebethxXx 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Omg, #52, you sound like a whiny little bitch who's barely hitting prepubescent stage -.-
Sinamoi 18
201- STOP YELLING!!
Vulpes21 6
235, you sound like a whiny little who hit puberty.
Vulpes21 6
*bitch
xXxIracebethxXx 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why, yes I am. Thank you for pointing that out. Now, take that point and shove it up your ass.
CockAsian 14
*grabs popcorn*
CalebEatsZombies 2
Pass the popcorn, this is so intense *watches in anticipation*
Neorecon19 18
I think OP's gf is more into S&M thana he is...
sweetness17 7
did she at least have a tuhy worth looking at?
sweetness17 7
tushy*
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
ethan_roth13 0
Haha
wierdos_rule 0
Girlfriend: "Wait, where'd it go?!"
Sparks808 10
At least she didn't go: Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?!
MrFloatingToast 0
People see me trollin' they be hatin'
IAdminIFlow 0
This comment made my day haha
matt98_fml 13
Lol I find it funny that this comment has 69 thumbs up.
kiran_fml 5
they try to catch me talkin dirty
lebronesque73091 12
Yeah, that sounds like a major turnoff.
zachattack112492 4
Doesn't matter, had sex
DarkSanster 7
HA no...
meihua 19
70Your profile picture is not FML appropriate
KEEK17 5
wow that can happen?
williemac987 5
Yea, just find a few termite women and your wood is gone!!
FUUUandyourmom 16
Obbbviously. //Severus Snape voice
Wassupwassup 0
No only in pornos... c'mon really?
BillyDisselhorst 3
Are you retarded? You sure look retarded. I would fix the picture of you asap. =)
buck33 14
Wait.. That's not normal?
alikat1231 0
Everytime I see the word obviously it automatically goes to Severus's voice anyway
nathanc3433 7
I guess to each their own
Furrywhiplash 14
Do you know what you just said? Because I sure as hell don't.
wittygirl 8
Yea I don't get what the hell you just babbled either - thumbs down-
williemac987 5
It's actually a well known saying, "to each their own!"
clauderah 5
It's actually 'To each his own', but you more or less got the vibe.
Furrywhiplash 14
So I was wrong in my first comment, but it got more thumbs up... That confuses me. How well known is the saying?
godisnowhere41 5
Quite, but atleast you know it know
imustbeinsane 2
108- You couldve waited before thumbing down. People just go trigger happy with the thumbing down on here
tweetbaby14 18
196, I was thumbing people down on my iPhone 10 before it was cool. *scoffs*
iliketurdles 7
Does getting thumbed down have a direct link to your self worth?
MissMae93 23
108 - By dictionary definition, wit is "the natural ability to perceive and understand; intelligence." I have this strange feeling you picked the wrong screen name if you're never heard that saying before...
MrSexyPants 14
Haha I imagined it retracting like a light saber. That situation sounds so uncomfortable.
CaptainPickles72 18
It would be even more like a light-saber if he was wearing a glow in the dark condom!
MrSassypants 34
And then Luke goes in and grabs it and starts swinging it around and... I think I am getting to excited here.
MrSassypants 34
too* that "to" needed two o's. >:(
The_Hitdude 12
^You mad? Oh, wait. Should've read your name before I said that...
dabomb1463 0
I love ur name Mr. Sexypants and urs to Mr. Sassypants
CaptainPickles72 18
And I'm the pickle between the two pants! ;)
drawmesunshine 17
And I'm the one awkwardly demanding artistically rendered pictographical representations of the sun and all of it's shine.
drawmesunshine 17
Pictorial**
CremeEggs 6
And I am the Creme Egg that give you energy, and possible aphrodisiac qualities for such times when you fornicate.
aisthecoolest 8
A light saber? I pictured It being sucked into a vortex ;D
bunniex1 11
omg I just laughed for about two minutes
DontModMeDammit 10
Yay! You can scissor now!!!
CaptainPickles72 18
I hate that every time someone says "scissor" or "scissoring" I think of Ms. Garrison...
BeefyQueef 5
49-It's comforting to know I'm not the only one
Pr0metheus 7
Oh yeah scissor me Xurxes!
nightfire2258 26
Thanks for that... Now I will too
Kayokku 1
Scissor me timbers ;)
Diagon197 5
Dude if u lose your boner around a girl it could mean your gay
jrtorres93 0
Lol...
Ferretface 13
No, if you're attracted to men your gay.
Ferretface 13
*You're. God, I'm stupid.
Ferretface 13
*You're. God, I'm stupid.
glittercookies 12
I guess words like "tushy" turn you on.
cBlackout 13
So if I put you next to Rosie o'donnell youre saying you would get a boner?
flockz 20
i have a feeling that no girl has ever seen diagon's boner before.
littletinyME 5
This makes me sad for humanity :(
aliaskis 3
I wonder if they have seen Diagon's Alley though?
TourettesGuyFTW 26
158- are your **** a gay test for this lil discussion going on?
eminemop 0
Ferretface, I would like your comment, but it has 69 likes at the moment and I am far too immature to change that.
lrgenesis 19
135- I feel like diagon has never seen diagons boner before
aisthecoolest 8
You're. A. Douche.
baseballplaya5 7
You have a weird girlfriend
MrFloatingToast 0
You don't have a friend
j_cat187 20
Sounds like a fun girl
karkid619 8
Thats wrong...
SupahAsian 4
Never underestimate the sexiness of ice.
upyourzlolz 11
But I've never seen dirty talk that's so... Dirty!