Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
OliviaMaris13 0
Who says tushy?
Justin23L 2
His girlfriend.
Pr0metheus 7
So far about six different people have said "tushy". Oh make that seven.
bri5083 9
Cause tushy is totally an attractive word right?
CaptainPickles72 18
It's better than poop shoot, dumper, back bubble, hiney, hind end, bum, patootie, fanny, and caboose.
ladyLALAA 29
Tushy sounds like something a 3 year old would say.. "mum, can you wipe my tushy?"
narrowords 18
If a kid can say that, they can damn well wipe their own tushy.
night_roane 11
@143 you obviously don't have kids LOL. First of all, potty training usually begins around 2 or 2 1/2. If your kid hasn't spoken by then, it's time to have them evaluated. Second of all, it's very normal for a parent to wipe or at least double-check after #2s until 5. Because, let's face it, 5 yr olds think they have better things to do than wipe, and when they do they often miss some. You actually have to send a change of clothes to the school until K or 1st in case of a potty accident. And I really would hope that a 5yr old can form a basic sentance.
pinkcrayola 0
It's a new form of birth control!
kookysoc 11
LMAOOOOOOO that was funnY!!! :)
rockyraccoon28 8
86- calm down.
pppooppp 5
So...did you need ice or...?
ohmandapants 17
"I want to fellate you so bad". I died. I fellate You fellate We fellate They fellate Oh dear. Tell her you're not into "dirty talk" and hope to god she doesn't do it again. Thanks OP, this was a nice laugh.
Stan_Cubed 7
'I fellate, you fellate. He/she/we fellate. Fellatology, the study of fellating?! It's first grade, Spongebob!' Anyone??
The_Hitdude 12
Ahhh, Spongebob. Wumbo. Those were the days. ...But this connotation just completely ruined my childhood.
chelseaaa92 7
Love it!!!
babygirllove 0
What does fellate mean?
lolmigosh 15
Yeah i see how that could turn you off..
kimmi41509 10
A tushy? That probably made you feel like a rapist.
prettypinkpixie 9
She sounds rather amazing. How could that turn you off? I crack jokes during sex with my husband and it really gets his juices flowing :D
mama2b3 20
I think it was the fact that she wasn't joking..
himoonkey 8
Doesn't matter had sex
Shrike 24
Except it's pretty obvious he didn't....
BeefyQueef 5
Yea it can be difficult to **** when your wiener is inside of your own body.
husky22 0
i hope she was kidding