Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little...

By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22883

You deserved it

5351

Favorite

Intimacy

Understandable

Family values

Doomed

By bathtime - 21/12/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30802

You deserved it

4185

Favorite

By Third trimester - 26/5/2017 17:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6564

You deserved it

384

Favorite

By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38306

You deserved it

3652

Favorite

By jennavankirk - 22/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20624

You deserved it

31847

Favorite

By Poowee - 18/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it would not go down the pipes. After about ten panic filled minutes, I notice the cat litter box. I carefully scoop out my logs, and bury them in the cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20514

You deserved it

49222

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1128

You deserved it

4460

Favorite

By chi-huaHUA - 4/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29022

You deserved it

6734

Favorite

By yummy - 30/5/2011 03:34 - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19499

You deserved it

83958

Favorite

By why - 4/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21733

You deserved it

2155

Favorite

By cjgreer70 - 18/1/2014 23:09 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42255

You deserved it

4623

Favorite

By UnwantedDisappointment - 18/1/2019 00:00

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2743

You deserved it

234

Favorite

By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27268

You deserved it

2709

Favorite

By LoadingMeows - 23/9/2016 01:17 - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12735

You deserved it

1884

Favorite

By NeoDepressed - 31/3/2019 12:00 - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2110

You deserved it

591

Favorite

By SDCore - 12/2/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20796

You deserved it

39716

Favorite

By demispark - 24/4/2013 14:10 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45194

You deserved it

4825

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 23:04

The end of the road

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1542

You deserved it

284

Favorite

By elijahrobrt - 7/1/2012 06:48 - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29275

You deserved it

5676

Favorite

By tmac - 4/4/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21991

You deserved it

42970

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 10:34 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19772

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2598

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 16:00

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

440

You deserved it

2335

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29541

You deserved it

6283

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38981

You deserved it

2735

Favorite

By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10654

You deserved it

27520

Favorite

By katiebell - 4/10/2019 12:00

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1324

You deserved it

204

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37461

You deserved it

2564

Favorite

By anonymous - 19/3/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19903

You deserved it

24880

Favorite

By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36412

You deserved it

2392

Favorite

By yikesss - 23/10/2018 03:00

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2771

You deserved it

412

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23750

You deserved it

36836

Favorite

By anonymous - 4/11/2014 06:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33680

You deserved it

3523

Favorite

By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26804

You deserved it

2616

Favorite

By fatty - 7/9/2019 20:00

Work it

Today, after a full year of vigorous exercise 7 days a week, and a strict diet of vegetables, fruits, and water, I can proudly say that I've lost half a pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1595

You deserved it

320

Favorite

By sorehead - 13/7/2011 16:02 - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend. I couldn't help but stare at a gorgeous girl as she bent down to pick something up. It was such a great sight, I didn't notice the metal telephone pole directly in my path. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12373

You deserved it

102210

Favorite

By lez probs - 18/5/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56408

You deserved it

21639

Favorite

By soapy - 1/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22985

You deserved it

8906

Favorite

By IAmACoolCat - 5/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35414

You deserved it

4930

Favorite

By Pip - 23/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44761

You deserved it

6652

Favorite

By ALLALA - 4/4/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49816

You deserved it

24180

Favorite

By Katy3225 - 6/6/2018 15:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

First Impression

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3471

You deserved it

1615

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#732554 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 9:06

she still played with it... I bet it was funny to watch. loosen up (even though it's loose enough in basketball shorts)

By MyOwnDestruction | 0

#732608 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 10:08

I do the same with my guy. it's fun for some reason.

COMMENTS

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#732554 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 9:06

she still played with it... I bet it was funny to watch. loosen up (even though it's loose enough in basketball shorts)

austinocappucino | 0

#976348 - Thursday 8 April 2010 12:27

hahahaha
soo funny...

jrkarikas | 0

#1006340 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:50

she's playing with your penis! how did you not turn that into at least a blowjob?

killerpenguin4 | 9

#1076323 - Saturday 10 July 2010 3:25

you fail at life if you didn't turn that into anything

sophie2212_fml | 0

#1988625 - Thursday 20 January 2011 11:32

there should be a win button

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5061192 - Saturday 20 October 2012 4:18

I love doing that!

By flinstoner | 0

#732563 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 9:12

I've done that before.

By opsyOp | 0

#732587 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 9:31

it's time to take off your shorts ;)

By MyOwnDestruction | 0

#732608 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 10:08

I do the same with my guy. it's fun for some reason.

SnowVixen | 0

#733822 - Thursday 24 December 2009 2:54

Agreed. I don't know why it's fun, but it is.

jenniferxxlou | 0

#976940 - Friday 9 April 2010 22:28

lol same :)

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3098326 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:33

Remind me to hang out with you three women

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3196673 - Sunday 28 August 2011 20:43

I think it's pretty hilarious 2 do:P

By virshu | 0

#732644 - Wednesday 23 December 2009 11:46

if the fact that your erection is noticeable hurts your chances of getting some action then one of the following is true:
1. it's too small
2. ur gay and ur "gf" knows it while u don't
3. this post is fake