Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
riptor911 10
Obviously u guys didn't understand his comment "doesn't matter had sex" is from a son called I just had sex.
sammyjanette 17
We get it. And we also get that it's way overused. :)
tmd4L 7
That must have been awkward when you had to tell her why you weren't in the mood anymore.
tommyfox 19
Ice, ice baby...
Epsilonyx 15
"Yeah baby! Stimulate my ********! Yes, penetrate me deeper, I beg of you! Insert your phalanges into my anus! UNHHHHHHHHGG"
kookysoc 11
Ewwwieee
yourXwillh8me 3
at least she's willing. better someone who wants to do it that you can teach than someone who's sexually mundane.
psych10 4
Sorry man, I've been there.... It defs is not a turn on. She should know better.
cjg2013 0
should have shut her up by getting her to suck your wiener. come on man. gotta be a quicker thinker when awkward stuff like that arises.
rawrhamster 0
Wow people these days
maphineRAWRS 10
That's hawt.
gman360 0
Hey, :). I just wanted to say you have really cool eyes. I was wondering what your gamer tag was too, cause I have alot of the cods and it's always cool to meet new people! Especially from foreign countries. (I'm American) also I did Karate for 6 years
NOUman1218 1
.... Lolno
Branflakes78 13
I Wonder what her reaction was when your dragon went back in your cave!! lol