Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
Melissac2011 1
lmao the **** wrong with her?
DocBastard 40
"Baby, I want you to put your phallus into my ****** and then thrust inwards and outwards repeatedly. Yes, it is very well-lubricated because I'm quite aroused. And your penis is extremely engorged with blood. My erogenous zones are all hypersensitive because of your excellent stimulation. You're doing quite well. Yes, please continue penetrating me just like that. I feel my ****** is approaching. Is yours as well?"
harbqll 0
That is SO hot. Keep going.
mikeymayhem_87 15
That, sir..... Is so damn funny!!
CaptainPickles72 18
#45- Ahh, go old Amish sex! Good times, good times... Haha, you see it's okay to make fun of them! They won't know.
kookysoc 11
Lmaooooo!!!!
bvq25 8
lmao! your comments never fail to make me laugh
flockz 20
i felt my ****** approaching just by enveloping myself in your comment. please, someone, go and fetch me some damp beach towels for i have not masturbated in a few hours and this explosion could be catastrophic to my surroundings.
sadistmonkey 19
"Please don't ejaculate before I ****** though"
lalatookasheema 8
My brain forced me to read this in a creepy whisper of a gay man's voice. Why? I have no idea. But it disturbs me....
Stan_Cubed 7
Really? Cause I pictured Fez's (that 70's show) voice saying it.
sweetness17 7
he isnt dating a droid...
Dcm210 19
very romantic.
Binkding 6
Sounds good to me
Ins_Knie 2
Sorry, I did not see any 'dirty talk' in your FML...
The_Hitdude 12
That was the point... That's her version of talking dirty, which, as you can see, isn't very dirty.
Ins_Knie 2
Thanks for clarifying. I seriously thought of a young religious guy who cringed at the word 'fellate' and considered it dirty talk, hence no quotes around that. My bad.
mikeymayhem_87 15
She wants to fellate you, huh? Sounds like a keeper to me!!
Zodiac666 0
I would hit that so hard...send her my way.
ThatLooksSticky 16
I wanna know what the ice is for...
CaptainPickles72 18
Well... there goes my erection! Thank your girlfriend for me OP, she ruined a perfectly good boner!
grannygruber 6
Ummmm, wow. Teach her how to talk dirty. Maybe she wanted to try something new but also found being vulgar embarrassing. Honestly took me awhile to be comfortable with talking dirty!