Intimacy: Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 600

You deserved it 97

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 40

08/11/2012 18:25

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 573

You deserved it 31 228

Commando

That's what a druggie would claim

Can't handle it

29/10/2010 12:17

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 630

You deserved it 13 082

Instagone

By Anonymous - 02/01/2018 22:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 217

You deserved it 320

10/10/2018 17:30

Today, my mother-in-law flushed my pain medicine because she believes I’ve been using it too long and I’m addicted. I had surgery four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 697

You deserved it 142

07/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 783

You deserved it 344

Pay up

By bh2000 - 29/05/2020 17:00

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 620

You deserved it 144

10/11/2015 22:50

Today, on my way back to work after lunch, my airbags deployed at a stop sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 827

You deserved it 1 659

22/05/2016 20:22

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 020

You deserved it 1 155

02/11/2010 16:26

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 673

You deserved it 37 188

03/10/2014 21:13

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 2 942

22/06/2014 20:34

Spicy

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 731

You deserved it 9 506

17/05/2009 12:33

Spicy

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192 795

You deserved it 50 130

04/01/2012 03:30

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 572

You deserved it 7 785

24/04/2009 06:27

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 392

You deserved it 5 625

31/12/2009 08:06

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 279

You deserved it 64 251

02/03/2013 00:54

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 609

You deserved it 3 100

24/03/2014 20:01

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 491

You deserved it 8 931

07/09/2009 20:25

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 912

You deserved it 47 278

13/12/2009 08:39

Spicy

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 907

You deserved it 25 053

Whistleblower

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 08/03/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I found out my best friend is having a full-blown affair with her coworker. She's a minor. He's not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 100

27/07/2009 03:13

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 039

You deserved it 13 283

23/11/2011 16:48

Spicy

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 195

You deserved it 20 319

17/05/2012 16:28

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 985

You deserved it 22 409

I'm normal, I swear

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 18:01

Today, I was doing weird voice impressions for my friend right before the doorbell rang and I had the front window open. The postman looked at me strangely, handed me my parcel and didn't say a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 199

18/04/2014 11:09

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 448

You deserved it 59 647

22/10/2012 10:54

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 371

You deserved it 1 885

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By Anonymous - 07/09/2020 04:02

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 1 756

30/05/2012 09:37

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 084

You deserved it 10 010

09/03/2013 06:16

Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 773

You deserved it 3 774

30/04/2012 02:53

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 824

You deserved it 4 017

Inebriated utterances

By Brenden Alistair Maye - 30/07/2021 01:59

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 86

15/07/2012 14:42

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 929

You deserved it 32 812

28/04/2013 04:29

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 189

You deserved it 4 430

19/11/2018 17:30

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 802

You deserved it 181

09/03/2015 02:36

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 505

You deserved it 2 599

04/08/2010 14:40

Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 245

You deserved it 3 965

12/08/2015 00:00

Today, I got all excited because I thought my crush was flirting with me, when in actuality she was taking advantage of me liking her so she and her friends could make fun of my speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 796

You deserved it 1 915

16/07/2016 22:33

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 004

You deserved it 4 732

07/04/2014 23:24

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 345

You deserved it 4 677

Ed Sheeran-lite

By Joshua Diamond - 14/12/2020 19:02

Today, I phoned my ex, who I only broke up with a week ago. I then told her about the song I'd written about her. I have written a song, but it is shite and I would die of embarrassment if I ever had to play it to her. I’ll have to play it to her and confess my simpy, wet ways. FML

I agree, your life sucks 173

You deserved it 1 660

25/07/2019 06:01

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 136

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:26

Violent wedgie? Isn't that the 37th Shade of Grey?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:13

That could be a turn on?Maybe?

Comments

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:12

Ouchhhh lol You are an idiot how did u manage that?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:27

Duh #1, How do you give someone a violent potato wedge? You add lots of pepper on it.

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:53

I actually agree with #1. I am having a hard time imagining how he managed to give her a "violent wedgie" with her pajama shorts... like was he trying to be sexy and trying to mock rip the shirt off but managed to grab both her shirt and shorts? that's the only way I can see it my mind or maybe I am not very good at imagining things...

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:25

33-magic

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:32

Its possible maybe he grabbed the shorts and since he thought it was the shirt he tried to remove it but instead just gave a wedgie

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Friday 9 November 2012 5:50

you don't necessarily have to be 'an idiot'...just caught up in a fit of passion and in a hurry! it is kind of funny though when my bf pulls up my tank top and gets denied access to the girls because of the built in bra...

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Friday 9 November 2012 20:52

Hey y are ya disliking my comment?

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Saturday 10 November 2012 2:34

sorry I didn't use the anatomically correct term..? Kinda got an overreaction from that one sheesh! I'm 26 by the way...got a few years on ya, hun. ;)

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Wednesday 13 February 2013 15:03

However he did it this is a complete ydi, be more gentle with your girl next time at least with the undressing part

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:13

That could be a turn on?Maybe?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:21

Aidan, give me a wedgie!

Vimy 6

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:27

Perhaps it's what gets her off. Lame pun anyone? Yes? Ok.

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:04

2- Nothing is more romantic than a nice wedgie to spice up the mood.

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Friday 9 November 2012 23:55

Yeah if she likes pain

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Saturday 10 November 2012 4:36

Pan T-Pain

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:14

You deserve that one,pay a little but more attention next time.

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Friday 9 November 2012 10:04

Even when you're 21, have you not ever experience hot and heavy foreplay? You usually NEVER pay delicate attention when it comes to such moments!

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Friday 9 November 2012 10:24

A little "bit" more attention in that comment could have prevented this ironic situation :) tee hee.

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:15

Kinky

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:15

How hard did you yank on her clothing?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:40

Hard enough to give her a wedgie.

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:16

Yay I'm first

vanessa09865 23

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:17

haha that is so awesome! sucks for you cuz you're probably not gonna be having sex anytime soon but so funny!

JimSweatshirt 6

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Friday 9 November 2012 5:17

Hahaha! shut up! not having sex is NOT funny trust me im goin through it as we speak

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Friday 9 November 2012 9:55

56- nobody cares

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Friday 9 November 2012 10:05

56 - Actually, that IS funny. Especially if you felt the need to announce it to the world, LOL.

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:19

Why would you even pull that hard taking off a shirt?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:20

Maybe she likes it rough?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:27

If she did, do you think this story would be a FML?

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:39

OP could have been embarassed by it and still but it on the website. It doesn't say whether they continued or not. You could be wrong or I could be. *shrugs*

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Friday 9 November 2012 9:59

It does imply that they did not continue. "...things started getting pretty hot. That is, until...."

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Friday 9 November 2012 12:31

73 you have a very good eye. I had to double check that one to see if you were right. Just had to point that out. No hatin.

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Sunday 11 November 2012 20:24

I read it a few times. I figure that's the best way to take in the whole meaning of the FML.

cool_story_bro14 4

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Friday 9 November 2012 3:20

Smooth...

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:24

...peanut butter.

Alan2 24

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Friday 9 November 2012 4:58

He's smooth like Keith Stone

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Friday 9 November 2012 6:00

No, rough. Get it right!