Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
smallsmerry123 5
Does anyone get the sense she was kidding around?
charmanderCHAR 5
I felt that vibe.
JukeboxValkyrie 19
I would have to put a bib on her for her next meal, stick a pacifier in her mouth for bedtime and offer her a box of pampers. When she asks why simply say, "If you're going to talk like a little girl, I'll treat you like one."
charmanderCHAR 5
Hm. I was unaware that babies knew what fellate meant, or were having sex (and don't give me shit about you not specifying whether you meant kids or babies, because no one puts a bib on a 13 year old girl unless they're retarded).
rockyraccoon28 8
pretty sure she was talking more like an old lady. have you heard how little kids talk these days?
Mandybruin 15
"I want to have intercourse with you! Uhh ooh yeah. Intercourse with you." "Relations."
soccerdude79 0
Your dick is so small when u had a boner it was retracted inside your body
coopjamo 0
So instead of turning u on she turned u of...... Lol
Fmlsea 28
That would kill the mood but maybe she was trying to spice things up ,why don't u teach what u like from dirty talking she's prob never done it before
Clamcreepy 7
The Tushy part is kinda weird to say at this day and age but what really set it off for me is the "you'll need ice after this one" just why in the world would someone need ice after a Bj unless she plans on sucking your dick so fast it burns and creates a mini fire from your pubic hair (if applicable)
KunoKanashimi 3
...I can't stop imagining that.
Cola104 1
Guess you won't need a cup anymore.
KunoKanashimi 3
C'mon OP...Tushy is such a sexy word, ya know?
chelseaaa92 7
Goodness... Just next time cover her mouth and keep going
gman360 0
Just saying your very pretty. :)