Miscellaneous: Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going... - FML

By TGIkaty - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

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Understandable

Family values

Season finale

By Joseph N - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend's fiancé. I've been with him 4 years, he's been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically I'M the other woman. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had to blow my nose. Trying to be a considerate roommate, I tiptoed over to the bathroom in the dark, which would have been fine, if I hadn't tripped over a chair and crushed the art project that she's been working on for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

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By DiiiDiiine - France - Limoges

Today, I cut myself pretty badly with a knife. I was bleeding quite a lot, so I yelled to my husband to bring me some kitchen roll, along with the first aid kit. He rushed in with the roll… to clean the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

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By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

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By WorryNot - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By JR. - 8/8/2020 20:02

Leaking all over the place

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

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By Carl - 8/12/2020 12:02 - Australia - Abbotsford

Fake it til you make it

Today, I was working from home alone while my wife was at her office. I decided that instead of having a healthy lunch at home, I would walk to the fast food place a block over. I didn't realise that my fitness tracker would automatically log this as "Exercise (walk)." My wife clicked "Like" underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

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By Anonymous

Some people are just lazy

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

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By Not turnt - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

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By cardsftw - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By MrsRODixon - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

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By jack - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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By JK - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By campmom

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML

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By Scaryman - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By larouche362 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

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By dadyoureacunt - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By jannister - Germany - Bad Blankenburg

Today, my mom threw my tampons in the garbage and said that from now on, I'll be buying pads instead. Turns out she read a scare story going around by email that all the local teens are soaking their tampons in alcohol and inserting them anally to secretly get drunk. FML

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By spinspinsugar - 24/2/2021 14:01 - United States - Camillus

Bodyshaming ain't cool

Today, I was video chatting with my dad. He handed the phone to his wife, whose first words out of her mouth were, "Why are you getting so skinny?" This was also the same woman whose first words out of her mouth when they came to visit us 3 years ago was how much weight I've gained. FML

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By notsogood - United States

Snoozefest

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 15:00

Cleanliness is next to someone else

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

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By Harmonia - France

Today, I went shopping with my boyfriend. He tried on a pair of trousers which didn't fit, so he asked me to change them, so off I go. I then return with another pair for him to try on, and find him bent over and blurt out "What the hell's that terrible underwear?". The man turns around, revealing that I'd entered the wrong changing room. FML

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By nick - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

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By no - United States

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

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Top comments

By lifeisfuckedup | 0

#967 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

omg. this made me laugh out loud. (sorry)

ps. don't kill yourself :)

By zebendyone | 0

#27288 - Thursday 12 March 2009 1:32

You must not tell your mom you love her very often, do you? XD

COMMENTS

By lifeisfuckedup | 0

#967 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 3:46

omg. this made me laugh out loud. (sorry)

ps. don't kill yourself :)

By no_problems | 0

#1006 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 5:59

lol i busted out laughing, which is kind of bad. thats why i only say i love you to my parents when they say it first.

By zebendyone | 0

#27288 - Thursday 12 March 2009 1:32

You must not tell your mom you love her very often, do you? XD

By kat0ria | 0

#65057 - Saturday 28 March 2009 18:28

You sort of deserved that. You obviously don't say it enough. xD

By PaperxHearts_xox | 0

#128053 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:02

Hmmm.
Apparently you're not one for expressing your feelings enough.
I can understand where she's coming from.
eff your life and you deserved it.
tell your mom you love her more often. then you won't get questioned on your suicidal tendencies. xD

By ny1996 | 0

#190587 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 4:47

were you planning to?

By BAMunroe | 0

#293274 - Thursday 11 June 2009 16:28

@16

i agree in part that you are not one for expressing yourself. You didn't deserve it though, I don't think that much

@12

LMAO!!

@6

completely true. ONLY TELL YOUR PARENTS I LOVE YOU IF THEY SAY IT FIRST! otherwise you're fucked

By roboticfresca | 0

#387000 - Saturday 11 July 2009 11:24

suicidal, suicidal, when you say it's over, you just so beauuutifuuul giiiiiirl, that's why id'd never work......

By person1000003 | 0

#482028 - Thursday 13 August 2009 6:07

Hajahahajjaajajahahahahah

By ming88 | 0

#759568 - Thursday 7 January 2010 5:16

this is funny! lol