Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML
Today, I almost got expelled for bringing a weapon to school. The "weapon"? A yellow travel-size hairbrush. FML
wasliedtoasakid tells us more.
Hello! OP, here. I appreciate the comments, especially the hilarious sarcasm and puns haha! :D So here's the full story: I just came out of the gym after P.E. (before the bell rang so everybody was still in class) and there was this kid like 30 ft away (going to the bathroom, I assume) and since my hair was really messy, I took out my brush, which is one of those full-size brushes that folds. So apparently this kid thought I had a pocket knife or a switchblade or something because of the way I unfolded the brush (image the same motion you would use to crack a whip or flick a wand or whatever - that's how I opened it because my hands were full). Also, I guess the kid thinks that I brush my hair with a yellow knife...? Anyway, he reported me. I got sent to the Dean and I explained what happened and showed him the "weapon." Luckily, he believed me and not that shit-for-brains kid, so I didn't actually get expelled.
Whoops
Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML
Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over late at night and asked me to be quieter because he could hear us. I'm still single and it was probably me grunting and getting mad losing Plants vs Zombies. FML
papaedups tells us more.
papaedups 11
yeah he was proud I suppose that's why I haven't told him the truth tbh
Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML
Good question
Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said, "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML
Today, I waited 7 hours for my mom to come home and give me my computer back. 15 minutes after she got home, I remembered that I had hidden my computer myself so she wouldn't take it. FML
IntrepidPig tells us more.
IntrepidPig 21
Hi guys. I have some explaining to do. First off, she thought she had taken my computer as well. She was looking for it when she got home, trying to remember where she put it. Now, when she got home, I decided to put my pajamas on. As I went in my clothes drawer, I wondered if I would hide it there, then I decided I would hide it behind my bookshelf instead. This triggered a memory of me deciding not to hide it behind my bookshelf because it would be too perfect, thus too obvious. I then remembered where I hid it, walked over with such a feeling of idiocy, and found it. I completely deserved this
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to clean our apartment, and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, I found a baby's sock in the middle of the floor. Neither of us have a baby, and nobody we know does either. Now I'm just waiting for the doll-themed nightmares tonight. FML
Squeepy tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here! :) So, good news everyone! I'm not dead (yet). Though I almost died laughing at these comments, thanks for making my day! :D I do believe that there is a logical explanation for this odd occurrence. We do have a communal laundry room in my apartment, as many of you have suggested. The strange thing is, we live in a building that only has 8 apartments, and none of us have babies or young children. And I was not doing laundry that day at all, nor do I recall seeing the sock before we left, which was in a very noticeable spot on the floor. I saw it immediately upon our return. Soooooooo ghosts. It's definitely ghosts. *DUN DUN DUUUUUUN* The plot thickens.
Today, I spent 2 hours slaving over a hot stove to make my kids the perfect dinner. They both came home with Happy Meals in their hands. FML
xSusanGeex tells us more.
xSusanGeex 15
Actually i am not. I say slaving because i have gas burners which everyone knows heats up the kitchen real quick.
Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML
Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML
Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML
Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML
Today, I met my downstairs neighbor after she repeatedly banged on my floor as a way to quiet me down. I guess I'm not allowed to walk on my floor. FML
Pretty_Pisces tells us more.
Hey guys this is my FML! Anyway my neighbor downstairs has been trouble since I moved in. My 1 year old can't play with his toys and I can't so much as breathe without her acting passive aggressively toward me. I guess I should give her the benefit of the doubt because the unit above hers was empty for so long? But I met her at the mailbox the other day and told her as much as I tried to be quiet, I'm not dead. I will make a little noise since we live in an older complex. She hasn't really bothered me since then. Thanks for reading!
Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML
Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML
Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML
Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML
tatertotes13 tells us more.
tatertotes13 10
OP here. Apparently this requires more explanation than I thought. The stapler was jammed so I opened the top to see if the staples were stuck. When I went to close it, the top took a lot of force to close again. My hand slipped and it sent a staple into my finger. It was an accident. I wasn't "testing it out on my finger." At the time, I was in school. I was using the only stapler in the library and it's not like I could leave school in the middle of the day to "go buy a new one." Have a little more faith in me.
Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML
Today, my electric razor broke down during shaving. So now I have a face which is shaved on the right hand side and has a beard on the left. I don't own blades, so I'll have to go to work looking like this. FML
ItsGoneForever tells us more.
Hi guys, OP here! Just to clarify a little: I shaved with blades once, but that was a disaster. Blood everywhere and it toon way longer than shaving with an electric razor. Therefore, no blades! My old electric razor was actually almost 14 years old, so I could have expected this. However, it stopped working all of a sudden, without any signs of failing previously! However, stores for electronics tend to open at 10am here in The Netherlands, while I start working at 8:30. So no opportunity to buy a new one before work! It was the first thing I did when coming out of the office though :-) As for my co-workers: we don't have our own desks, but you can sit anywhere you like. I chose a private office for the day, so I just got laughed at by my boss and nog by anyone else :-)
Today, my father stumbled upon the quickest way to get me out of bed in the morning: ripping out my nose stud. FML
cactusfears tells us more.
Hey idk how to work this but OP here. I should probably clarify, it was an accident - my dad was joking around rubbing one of my stuffed toys on my face to annoy me out of bed when the stud got caught on some of the stitching and got yanked out. Thankfully part of it was still in the piercing - it was just hanging there by the short part of the L-hook - so I didn't lose it, and my mom managed to get it back in, and it didn't hurt too bad. Just thought it was kinda funny :)
Today, my sister called me a moron after I told her that no, healthy foods do not give you "negative calories". She's 21 and goes around telling everyone that she's an expert nutritionist. FML
Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML
Today, I woke up to the sounds of fire alarms. Panicked and assuming it was my neighbor's gas furnace that set it off, I nearly broke their baby's bedroom window trying to wake them up. Turns out my roof leaked into the fire alarm, causing an electrical fire. It was my first day here. FML
babysonfire tells us more.
OP here. I wanted to add that this all happened at 3AM during a thunderstorm. The neighbors didn't answer their door until the firefighters knocked. The fire didn't start until they were already here, so there was no smoke at first. The storm blew loose shingles off in 1 place- over the alarm.
Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML
Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend's advice and finally stood up to my very passive-agressive, rude mother. What started in a conversation about her snide comment about my outfit ended in me needing to find somewhere else to live. FML
jessroses tells us more.
OP here So didn't expect this to make the front page but to clear up a few things I'm 19, my boyfriend also lives with his parents and I live away from home in a town about 2 hours away, but my usual hangout bar is in my hometown so on the weekends and holidays I come home and make use of the bed. So mostly I've moved out. We had gotten into a very loud row which turned into mum (for the umpteenth time) bringing up how I'm never home and what happened to the sweet little girl that told her everything. I've explained time and time again that I didn't have friends then and Now I'm balancing a social life in 2 places, and spending time with family, which I admit I haven't been spending as much time with her, because once I moved out I could see her from a distance and see how manipulative she is. I have also tried to see mum less and less because I thought that's just where my life was headed. Being the youngest child means it's difficult for mum to let go. However, I have been her punching bag for the past few years, always making passing comments about my weight (I am obese, as is she) and the clothes I wear. I came out as bisexual to her and she doesn't believe me because I have a boyfriend and told me to keep it from the rest of the family. So yeah, I'm trying to get out of the situation, but my boyfriends family are not doing well financially so I would rather not move in, as well as its a relatively new relationship (just under a year)
Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML