Miscellaneous: Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 142

01/04/2016 18:30

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 668

You deserved it 2 710

Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

Addams Family Values

03/06/2015 07:22

Spicy

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 804

You deserved it 3 599

18/07/2018 15:00

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 831

You deserved it 351

02/02/2010 17:32

Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 475

You deserved it 4 258

04/01/2012 03:30

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 572

You deserved it 7 785

02/07/2013 16:17

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 170

You deserved it 4 774

02/12/2014 17:59

Spicy

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 074

You deserved it 3 266

23/06/2013 04:10

Today, while working the graveyard shift at my hotel, it felt a little chilly, so I grabbed a blanket out of the box we usually store old blankets in. 20 minutes later, the live-in maintenance man casually remarked that those blankets are all infected with bed-bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 948

You deserved it 7 237

15/09/2009 02:56

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 885

You deserved it 4 816

29/07/2010 10:56

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 678

You deserved it 9 390

13/11/2010 05:20

Spicy

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 506

You deserved it 4 741

02/09/2014 15:49

Spicy

Today, I finally got to watch some porn after not being able to for a while. All I could notice in the video was how badly the participants were playing snooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 242

You deserved it 8 686

Vicious bastards

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 124

10/12/2012 07:01

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 719

You deserved it 1 903

30/01/2016 03:54

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 229

You deserved it 4 522

13/06/2013 22:12

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 355

You deserved it 3 865

17/02/2010 12:50

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 598

You deserved it 3 084

02/03/2015 05:14

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 899

You deserved it 3 458

09/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 360

You deserved it 2 483

08/06/2009 18:47

Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 506

You deserved it 6 768

Bad day

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:04

Today, I woke up feeling like I was on top of the world, until I got to work and I was demoted. Then I ordered Uber Eats for lunch, the driver was late and gave me the wrong meal. The worst part was when I got home and was dumped by my girlfriend via text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 65

03/11/2010 06:40

Spicy

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 944

You deserved it 8 371

21/04/2016 20:28

Spicy

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 273

You deserved it 1 725

Unfair

By Anonymous - 21/03/2021 08:01

Today, I was let go from my job for not being able to come into work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 114

Technique

By onlyintx - 19/07/2021 11:01

Today, after 3 days of vigorously scrubbing primer on the walls with a painting roller, I finally realized that simply re-wetting the roller after each stroke is the correct and easier way. Dang, can I be slow to catch on sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 277

You deserved it 874

17/04/2009 23:15

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 362

You deserved it 5 005

20/03/2013 19:45

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 780

You deserved it 3 421

24/01/2009 14:53

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 839

You deserved it 3 781

20/12/2018 10:00

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 172

03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 313

You deserved it 31 702

12/01/2011 01:04

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 614

You deserved it 23 148

15/01/2015 15:12

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 266

You deserved it 5 310

06/07/2013 18:23

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 342

You deserved it 50 038

12/10/2014 17:38

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 4 195

04/09/2012 01:02

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 117

You deserved it 27 699

22/05/2009 19:50

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 791

You deserved it 11 572

24/01/2016 15:27

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 701

You deserved it 8 837

Mr. Robot

By confused - 30/04/2021 05:01

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 223

28/02/2011 18:29

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 973

You deserved it 3 548

29/03/2012 02:03

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 782

You deserved it 28 647

06/08/2015 17:28

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 749

You deserved it 3 143

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Top comments

melons 44

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

Cowadunga, dude.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:30

Cute story for the grandkids ;)

Comments

coming back in the future 30

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:29

That's a shitt- *everyone shoots me*

friedpwnadge 25

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Saturday 2 April 2016 4:18

*bang*

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Saturday 2 April 2016 6:20

*Thwangggg* Sorry, used a bow

CaptainSmith28 19

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Saturday 2 April 2016 7:05

If you're gonna do it, don't half-ass it. You gotta say "That's a shitty situation," and be prepared for the consequences.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 13:26

The arrow cut him off mid-sentence.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:30

Cute story for the grandkids ;)

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Saturday 2 April 2016 6:34

"And that's not the only pie I received that day kids! Then YOU were conceived :)"

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:31

FYL

Dick_diamond 22

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:33

If only there was a button for that

Dick_diamond 22

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:31

Bet that ruined the moooood..

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

ew. i hope your date help you out of that mess. stupid rabbit.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 3:02

uh no, its SILLY RABBIT, TRIX ARE 4 KIDS

Miss_Whipped 43

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Saturday 2 April 2016 4:02

Silly rabbit, trips are for kids!!

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Saturday 2 April 2016 4:29

.

melons 44

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

Cowadunga, dude.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 4:22

I have never laughed so hard at an fml comment. You win.

Estelle101_fml 13

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:38

I'm guessing you guys didn't meet on farmers only, but hang on tight op, he might be the one.

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:38

FYL

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:39

You met the real Easter Bunny , then you got a free organic beauty mask. I bet he had lots of other nice and exciting things all prepared for you . I'm jealous.

Branessa9611 14

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Saturday 2 April 2016 2:41

Dang, what a good April Fool's joke. I didn't know you could train a rabbit.