Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking,...

By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 18:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Rich people problems

Business savvy

By lyss - 16/2/2014 22:44 - United States - Pottsville

Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML

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By SummersEve - 12/2/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 22:27 - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

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By makdra - 6/1/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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By dire-rear - 16/1/2010 20:19 - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

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By lala456 - 30/12/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By cam96 - 15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

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By Pastrygirl - 11/7/2016 22:00

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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By creamed - 20/2/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 17:49 - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

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By whythebunny - 30/10/2015 18:56 - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

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By therealducktape - 20/8/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I got back from a two week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my room mate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

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By Ugh - 14/6/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never being here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

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By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By boo! - 17/2/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 23:05 - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 07:35 - Singapore

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

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By dear god help me. - 4/9/2013 22:46 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

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By whatzthehell - 3/6/2009 10:31 - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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By James - 1/4/2020 17:00

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

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By mountains - 19/11/2012 00:47 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

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By SilverAuthor - 29/7/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 21:48 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

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By Ihavealisp - 16/2/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

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By solyana vr1 - 15/3/2012 01:32 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By chamberpottime - 16/12/2015 08:58 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By Tristan Brantley - 11/3/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 03:26 - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 22:25 - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By Joy - 16/6/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By Damian - 22/4/2011 11:11

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 22:38 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

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Top comments

By melons | 44

#6572463 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

Cowadunga, dude.

By WCARlover | 34

#6572458 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:30

Cute story for the grandkids ;)

Comments

By coming back in the future | 30

#6572457 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:29

That's a shitt- *everyone shoots me*

friedpwnadge | 25

#6572502 - Saturday 2 April 2016 4:18

*bang*

UserError94 | 18

#6572546 - Saturday 2 April 2016 6:20

*Thwangggg*

Sorry, used a bow

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6572556 - Saturday 2 April 2016 7:05

If you're gonna do it, don't half-ass it. You gotta say "That's a shitty situation," and be prepared for the consequences.

yankesik | 16

#6572663 - Saturday 2 April 2016 13:26

The arrow cut him off mid-sentence.

By WCARlover | 34

#6572458 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:30

Cute story for the grandkids ;)

UserError94 | 18

#6572550 - Saturday 2 April 2016 6:34

"And that's not the only pie I received that day kids! Then YOU were conceived :)"

By nominaski | 25

#6572459 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:31

FYL

Dick_diamond | 22

#6572461 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:33

If only there was a button for that

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6572460 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:31

Bet that ruined the moooood..

By Mathalamus | 24

#6572462 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

ew. i hope your date help you out of that mess. stupid rabbit.

Govcheeze | 18

#6572475 - Saturday 2 April 2016 3:02

uh no, its SILLY RABBIT, TRIX ARE 4 KIDS

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6572496 - Saturday 2 April 2016 4:02

Silly rabbit, trips are for kids!!

intertk555 | 11

#6572509 - Saturday 2 April 2016 4:29

By melons | 44

#6572463 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:34

Cowadunga, dude.

The_Avatar | 22

#6572504 - Saturday 2 April 2016 4:22

I have never laughed so hard at an fml comment. You win.

By Estelle101_fml | 13

#6572465 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:38

I'm guessing you guys didn't meet on farmers only, but hang on tight op, he might be the one.

By nominaski | 25

#6572466 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:38

FYL

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6572467 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:39

You met the real Easter Bunny , then you got a free organic beauty mask. I bet he had lots of other nice and exciting things all prepared for you . I'm jealous.

By Branessa9611 | 14

#6572469 - Saturday 2 April 2016 2:41

Dang, what a good April Fool's joke. I didn't know you could train a rabbit.