Miscellaneous: Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over...

By papaedups - United States - Arlington

Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over late at night and asked me to be quieter because he could hear us. I'm still single and it was probably me grunting and getting mad losing Plants vs Zombies. FML

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papaedups tells us more :

yeah he was proud I suppose that's why I haven't told him the truth tbh

Miscellaneous

Night terrors

Boundaries

Bustin' my ass

By Anonymous

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By Dentedbumper

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

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By Twomanybananas

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By tickle spunk - United States

Today, I came home and told my mom that I got the lead in the school musical, which I was very happy about. She pulled me into a hug then said, "But you know you can't really sing, right?" FML

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By OwMyBalls

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By somechick - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

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By bunnylover - Canada

Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Damn.... - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By disembob - United Kingdom

Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By maddie - 14/3/2021 21:30

A slight hiccup

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

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By mystermoon

Stressed out

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By Youdontneed2knowmyname - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By hitintheeye - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By P0wned - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

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By shiftybizniss - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

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By ruined_suit - United States

Defense!

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins were still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid ran out and shot me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and ruined my new suit. FML

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By Kasnt - United States

Today, I really had to pee so I took the only stall that was available in the bathroom: the handicapped stall. A girl in a wheelchair came in seconds later and cursed at me for taking her designated spot. FML

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By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Ruined art

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

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By fucking hate bitches

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By Pill popping zit monster

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

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By Whoopsx99 - United States

Today, I accidentally emailed the entire company everyone's salary, sales history, and the names of four people I intended to fire. FML

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By googlefreak54321 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By caroline - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By Deadpool - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

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Top comments

By LMAO__no | 15

#6578471 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:12

Plants v zombies is the shit though. I always get mad when they chew through my walnuts.

By ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6578470 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:10

Damn those pea shooters

COMMENTS

By ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6578470 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:10

Damn those pea shooters

By LMAO__no | 15

#6578471 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:12

Plants v zombies is the shit though. I always get mad when they chew through my walnuts.

By TigranPet | 24

#6578472 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:13

Those waves get really difficult.

By sleepwalker13 | 25

#6578474 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:14

Fun game though.

By born_hustla | 26

#6578477 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:25

Obviously he supports you having a girl over. An extremely rare privilege. Get out there bro!
Late night gaming sessions are fun too tho.

DomsterDC | 16

#6578517 - Monday 11 April 2016 16:59

What a chill dad

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6578478 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:25

At least you know what his reaction is going to be when you finally do bring a girl home - so many parents make their children feel ashamed or dirty for being sexual beings.

chosha_fml | 25

#6578763 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 0:45

Also helpful to be aware of how much can be heard from his dad's room.

By Chikiriwak | 17

#6578480 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:33

I guess your dad would be proud of you having a wild life, so yeah... go and have fun

By TxAsMaD3 | 19

#6578481 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:35

Don't even get me started w/ kernel corn

By Zatert | 20

#6578483 - Monday 11 April 2016 15:45

How many Plants vs Zombies are there if you get so frustrated just listing them? Imagine playing them too...

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6578489 - Monday 11 April 2016 16:02

So, was she Willow, Ivy , or Poppy ?

COSaikou | 7

#6578626 - Monday 11 April 2016 20:07

good job. damnLOL