By Cnscott0205 - 17/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Headache

Peaky Bladders

By Alex - 13/5/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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By FlatTire - 13/2/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

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13950

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 15:00

BURN

Today, at work, I cashed out a sweet old lady. As I handed her the bag, she looked at me kindly and said, “Don’t worry sweetie. It will get better!” to which I responded, “What will get better?” She smiled at me and said, “Your face.” FML

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By hannah - 26/6/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

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1628

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234

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By broken finger - 18/7/2013 20:53 - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

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By Stuckism - 15/9/2009 17:16 - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2017 20:42

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

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4776

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 20:00

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 4/10/2019 22:00

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By dillon - 1/7/2014 04:12 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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45836

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By future burger flipper - 3/6/2013 19:22 - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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64698

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By fxck - 4/2/2015 19:28

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By lababy - 15/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 21:07 - Belgium

Today, my mother used global warming as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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56861

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By tarini - 27/5/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

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19694

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 01:33 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By Genuine D - 13/5/2017 08:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

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5384

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By misterhippo - 22/4/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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By iloveZELOS - 5/7/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 20:35 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

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By Thatgirl112 - 8/9/2016 03:59 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By Pizzaguy - 2/8/2012 16:22 - United States - Dundee

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

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29057

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By kerdersty - 30/5/2011 03:27 - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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36409

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 18:00

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

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1178

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By saltinawound - 5/3/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend of almost a year because he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I'm "overweight," even though I only weigh 130 pounds. Afterward I went to my friend's house and sat in an old wooden chair. It broke into pieces as soon as I sat down. FML

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By M3DO - 3/8/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By jesushelpme - 22/10/2012 19:08 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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32015

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By bjevilcat2 - 18/10/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

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28147

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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27918

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By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - 8/12/2013 23:44 - United States

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

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43695

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By steph - 15/7/2018 09:00 - United States

Cropped Out

Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all 6 of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML

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3777

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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51848

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By $$$ - 29/5/2013 04:49 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

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61725

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 04:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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35924

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By brokedick - 12/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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Top comments

By misswilwarin96 | 11

#7860159 - Sunday 17 November 2019 21:00

Trust me, big boobs are not all they're cracked up to be. I'd rather have smaller boobs than bigger boobs.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7860100 - Sunday 17 November 2019 16:31

Lots of guys wish they could have gynecomastia. You groped one of the lucky ones!

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7860098 - Sunday 17 November 2019 16:29

So whats the bigger problem here?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7860100 - Sunday 17 November 2019 16:31

Lots of guys wish they could have gynecomastia. You groped one of the lucky ones!

By misswilwarin96 | 11

#7860159 - Sunday 17 November 2019 21:00

Trust me, big boobs are not all they're cracked up to be. I'd rather have smaller boobs than bigger boobs.

By Sheila Deville | 15

#7860254 - Monday 18 November 2019 10:32

I have lived that exact moment!! It was weird for me too, I am blessed in the chest but had nothing on that guy!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7860836 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 15:36

I bet you felt a right tit. And a left one.