Miscellaneous: Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Horsing around

By Anonymous

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

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By TheGoodTwin - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

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By frogface_fml

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

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By cheap - France - Toulouse

Today, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. On my cake stood last year's "21" candle, to which had been added a single candle. Clearly, times are tough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

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By youjustsuck - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had to blow my nose. Trying to be a considerate roommate, I tiptoed over to the bathroom in the dark, which would have been fine, if I hadn't tripped over a chair and crushed the art project that she's been working on for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, after scouring my apartment for quarters to do laundry, I found the correct amount of change. The change got jammed in the washing machine. I now have no more quarters, and my clothes are caked with soap from washing them in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

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By Scammed - Mexico - Mexicali

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

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By BFfail - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By neoteck - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By Bridget

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By pregz - United States

Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

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By Buzzie - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By roachblend - Taiwan

Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carlisle

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

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By me - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, on my first ski run down a mountain, I dislocated my patella. Now I get to watch out of the window as my family builds a snowman and names it after me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By failingyetagain - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

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By lonelyloser - Australia - Perth

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

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By Sad Sally - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

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By killercow - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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By dullstuff - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By DookDaSpook - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7824281 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 16:23

I guess confidence counts.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7824326 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 18:02

Does it count as self-harm if you were coached?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7824281 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 16:23

I guess confidence counts.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7824326 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 18:02

Does it count as self-harm if you were coached?