By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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Season finale

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Midlife crisis

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By goodbye - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

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By strangebeans - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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By oh, shit...... - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By kherien - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By RedLion23 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

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By Desiree_lianne - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

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By engaged - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

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By Bloop - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By Mc2013 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By PghSportsNation - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By boogery - United States

Today, after putting a bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room to wait for an open washer, I came back to find a "free stuff" sign on all of my expensive jeans, new towels, and favorite sweatshirts. The bag was over half empty. FML

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By TheGirl - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my son displayed an interest in chess, and asked me to teach him to play. Five minutes in, I captured his queen. He screamed "SCREW THIS STUPID GAME", slammed his fist down on his pieces, and started crying because of the pain. He's fourteen years old. FML

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By BannedfromFriend - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

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By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - United States

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

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By faded as shit - United States

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

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By Husband - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

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By twingirl - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my new psychologist for the first time. Expecting it to be someone I wouldn’t know, the door opens and out walks a man I hooked up with once. What makes it worse was he pissed my bed that night. I never called him back or spoke to him again. FML

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By kmang33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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By sweetdreams - United States - New York

Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML

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By Emily - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

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By Nastiaa - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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By Stepmotherfucker - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

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By Courtney Micallef

Early learner

Today, I was teaching my one-year-old some new words. He pointed to the picture of the pig and said, "Mama". Guess I better start that diet. FML

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By PeedMom - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By anomynous - 3/12/2020 11:01

Jingle bells

Today, I woke up with my period. At least I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with red and green shorts, right? FML

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By he wasn't even playing - Australia - Corrimal

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to cover his share of the rent because he didn't work during the week, saying business has been slow. I checked and found out he called in sick four times. He wanted to stay home and watch online gaming matches. FML

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By Laptop - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By BikerGuy - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 08:08

Sounds like a keeper

Today, it's been a week since my boyfriend has touched me or even paid attention to me, because I refuse to buy him a car. I do everything for him and he owes me $3,000 already, but when I cried about using my savings on him, he said, "That’s not my problem.” FML

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By Laviolette - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7840158 - Friday 6 September 2019 17:07

Yeah, you can sleep when you're dead. Snapchat streaks cannot be repaired.

By Sinshine | 27

#7840164 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:25

Maybe they were talking to themselves?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7840158 - Friday 6 September 2019 17:07

Yeah, you can sleep when you're dead. Snapchat streaks cannot be repaired.

By Sinshine | 27

#7840164 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:25

Maybe they were talking to themselves?

By Gubbon | 8

#7840187 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:38

What's a snapchat streak?

Reply

Major_Haywire | 7

#7840215 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:12

It’s when you streak in the mall while on Snapchat..... I think

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7840950 - Saturday 7 September 2019 15:43

When you and a friend send snaps (specifically the picture, not chat) to each other for consecutive days. And you both have to send one.