By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 14:00

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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Dangling modifier

Healthy relationship

All for nothing

By Busted - 21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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By yupthissucks - 13/4/2015 09:00 - United States - Newnan

Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - 1/5/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By whoops - 9/7/2014 05:38 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

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By pleasedie - 7/5/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

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By epicfailureismyl - 5/4/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

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By sadinmass - 13/11/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By oops - 5/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 04:00 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, during a family reunion, my 89 year-old grandma stood up and drunkenly made a speech about how ashamed I should be of myself for still being single. She then passed out at the table. Half my family got up to help her, the other half whispered in agreement. FML

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By hurricane0331 - 24/6/2010 01:51 - United States

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

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By talwin - 27/7/2011 04:05 - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Thanks for the support!

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

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By Marc - 6/2/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I forced myself into work with severe laryngitis. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, except I work at candy and ice cream store at a major tourist destination. For seven hours I had to communicate with unsympathetic adults and screaming, bratty kids by miming and using a dry erase board. FML

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By Gay younger brother - 30/6/2018 01:30

About that...

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

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By Shoeless - 20/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

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By Doritos - 17/6/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

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By failphone - 7/1/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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By Danana - 26/1/2009 21:08 - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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By spoton - 26/1/2017 16:00

Today, I sliced my finger on the register drawer. Not wanting to freak out my customer, I stuck my hand in my pocket and finished giving them change. Now I look like I period-bled through the front of my pants. Only 10 hours to go. FML

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By Alone - 21/5/2014 11:05 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - 1/9/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By Eric - 18/5/2019 06:10

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

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By melas303 - 30/12/2013 00:22 - United States

Today, I came home to find a pregnancy test in my trashcan. I live alone with my boyfriend and I'm not pregnant. FML

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By julia - 1/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By sickyandiknowit - 8/11/2014 07:36 - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML

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By wtf - 10/1/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years old. FML

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By Sam - 20/6/2010 13:18 - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - 5/5/2016 15:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7840158 - Friday 6 September 2019 17:07

Yeah, you can sleep when you're dead. Snapchat streaks cannot be repaired.

By Sinshine | 27

#7840164 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:25

Maybe they were talking to themselves?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7840158 - Friday 6 September 2019 17:07

Yeah, you can sleep when you're dead. Snapchat streaks cannot be repaired.

By Sinshine | 27

#7840164 - Friday 6 September 2019 18:25

Maybe they were talking to themselves?

By Gubbon | 8

#7840187 - Friday 6 September 2019 20:38

What's a snapchat streak?

Reply

Major_Haywire | 7

#7840215 - Friday 6 September 2019 22:12

It’s when you streak in the mall while on Snapchat..... I think

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7840950 - Saturday 7 September 2019 15:43

When you and a friend send snaps (specifically the picture, not chat) to each other for consecutive days. And you both have to send one.