By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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Proactive

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Our house, in the middle of our street

By anonymous - Canada

Today, it took me 5 hours to paint my deck, only to have it ruined by the neighbor's cat running all over the undry paint. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By notguilty - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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By Moimoi78 - Australia - Eatons Hill

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

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By notmyfam - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

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By Jeezus - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

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By Danny - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By 13a5ic H1p5t3r - United States - Spencer

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

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By logansowow

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

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By savioyr

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

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By bymyself

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

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By hatethatiloveyou - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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By Katt - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

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By fatty - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By WorstMedicalBill - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

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By ballerphilip23 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

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By Kathryn - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By Whoopsie

Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard she had a seizure and passed out. FML

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By amazinghermit - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By claira

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

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By rachelllynne - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, the woman I babysat for blamed me for the cut on her son's face, and fired me with no pay for not looking after him properly. He already had the cut when I arrived. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

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By publicenemy - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By EwokLover17 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in my rush to do my hair and get to work, I managed to trip over my dog, hit my eye on the counter, and sprain my ankle. I arrived at work with a black eye and a painful limp. My boss didn't care, and fired me for showing up late. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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By DwarvenWalrus

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

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By welp - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

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By NotChadKrouger

The Voice

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

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By Cakeman - United States

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

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By WTFFAIL - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

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By thanks sis - 29/8/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

On a leash

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By kacie smith - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Public Indecency

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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Top comments

By mekiswrite | 20

#7860712 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:10

I hope you mean ex-boyfriend.

By blondie45 | 21

#7860734 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 5:01

You need to ditch that psychopath immediately! I would even go as far as taking out a restraining order.... anyone who thinks that kind of behaviour is appropriate is dangerous...

COMMENTS

By mekiswrite | 20

#7860712 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:10

I hope you mean ex-boyfriend.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7860714 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:17

Obviously! No one wants to date a bed wetter. Surely he dumped her after her loss of bladder control.

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7860880 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 20:03

the most played-out comment on this site by far.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7860723 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 3:15

If he put it on YouTube can you post a link to the video I’d like to watch you wet yourself

By blondie45 | 21

#7860734 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 5:01

You need to ditch that psychopath immediately! I would even go as far as taking out a restraining order.... anyone who thinks that kind of behaviour is appropriate is dangerous...

Reply

Batman_1872 | 20

#7915180 - Saturday 20 June 2020 17:31

wow someone's a snowflake

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7860747 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 6:59

That is pretty abusive behaviour. There are jokes and then there is abuse and he has crossed a line.

By cardin06 | 15

#7860817 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 12:40

And it was so traumatic that you had to put it on FML? ...jus sayin.

By Fickle | 6

#7860823 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 13:38

What a douche bag! Hopefully you have enough sense to move free of an asshole like that.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7860834 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 15:24

If you're still with him, see how he likes your new chainsaw, and hockey mask.

By Twinkee718 | 4

#7860886 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 20:27

That's just an asshole thing to do... I say be done with him.

By hannieannie | 18

#7860936 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 23:07

Hi, it’s my partner of 6 years and we’re in the middle of a prank war. Safe to say he won!

Reply

AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7861222 - Thursday 21 November 2019 23:56

Oooh ok then! he won!

By J15237 | 23

#7860971 - Thursday 21 November 2019 1:46

If he is a serious boyfriend who you have future plans with then I would find a way to get him back. If he is temporary I would consider looking for another boyfriend. I mean it is funny, but at the same time once the laugh has happened he does need to move on.