By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2837

You deserved it

225

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Instadrama

Summertime sadness

By Discostu80 - Australia

Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered in my wifes ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46665

You deserved it

6909

Tweet

Share

By sex sent me to the Er

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

781

You deserved it

1915

Tweet

Share

By apaterra - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21828

You deserved it

1430

Tweet

Share

By loserwithlice - United States

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54801

You deserved it

6266

Tweet

Share

By Lifetime Presents: - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14424

You deserved it

988

Tweet

Share

By disgustedgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47813

You deserved it

8725

Tweet

Share

By dummy441 - United States

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16736

You deserved it

68018

Tweet

Share

By assoutofuandme - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15068

You deserved it

59170

Tweet

Share

By StungAlot

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1741

You deserved it

168

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38998

You deserved it

17820

Tweet

Share

By Des

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1604

You deserved it

315

Tweet

Share

By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24127

You deserved it

3612

Tweet

Share

By ReallyBro - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37296

You deserved it

11276

Tweet

Share

By Till We Pass Out - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22572

You deserved it

5259

Tweet

Share

By Nana - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29615

You deserved it

8470

Tweet

Share

By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36605

You deserved it

20961

Tweet

Share

By Derpina - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28416

You deserved it

5150

Tweet

Share

By brendejafulable - 15/8/2020 14:02

Talk to me

Today, I had a conversation about how my day was, while dreaming. That’s how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1211

You deserved it

139

Tweet

Share

By Derek Lee - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18840

You deserved it

70181

Tweet

Share

By Tgreject - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41380

You deserved it

3140

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34991

You deserved it

3230

Tweet

Share

By Sarah - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31908

You deserved it

5433

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17146

You deserved it

27862

Tweet

Share

By notthatkinkyanyway - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29452

You deserved it

6352

Tweet

Share

By fuckina - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6865

You deserved it

49341

Tweet

Share

By woof? - United States - San Francisco

Today, while studying for an exam, the neighbor's chihuahua started barking outside. After a few seconds, my mom yelled out for me to stop laughing. She honestly thought the barking was my laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32473

You deserved it

3421

Tweet

Share

By munnyfish - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13317

You deserved it

33456

Tweet

Share

By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26801

You deserved it

4002

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37894

You deserved it

3008

Tweet

Share

By Heather212

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7184

You deserved it

1340

Tweet

Share

By naas1201 - 10/5/2020 23:00

It's not working

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1426

You deserved it

247

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27910

You deserved it

4264

Tweet

Share

By failingdaily - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40819

You deserved it

3997

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58921

You deserved it

4370

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10529

You deserved it

29080

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

52407

You deserved it

5732

Tweet

Share

By justjust - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52777

You deserved it

11288

Tweet

Share

By Chelsy - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1274

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

By rarara - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32063

You deserved it

3011

Tweet

Share

By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40169

You deserved it

3005

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By mekiswrite | 19

#7860712 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:10

I hope you mean ex-boyfriend.

By blondie45 | 21

#7860734 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 5:01

You need to ditch that psychopath immediately! I would even go as far as taking out a restraining order.... anyone who thinks that kind of behaviour is appropriate is dangerous...

COMMENTS

By mekiswrite | 19

#7860712 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:10

I hope you mean ex-boyfriend.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7860714 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 2:17

Obviously! No one wants to date a bed wetter. Surely he dumped her after her loss of bladder control.

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7860880 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 20:03

the most played-out comment on this site by far.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7860723 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 3:15

If he put it on YouTube can you post a link to the video I’d like to watch you wet yourself

By blondie45 | 21

#7860734 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 5:01

You need to ditch that psychopath immediately! I would even go as far as taking out a restraining order.... anyone who thinks that kind of behaviour is appropriate is dangerous...

Reply

Batman_1872 | 20

#7915180 - Saturday 20 June 2020 17:31

wow someone's a snowflake

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7860747 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 6:59

That is pretty abusive behaviour. There are jokes and then there is abuse and he has crossed a line.

By cardin06 | 15

#7860817 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 12:40

And it was so traumatic that you had to put it on FML? ...jus sayin.

By Fickle | 6

#7860823 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 13:38

What a douche bag! Hopefully you have enough sense to move free of an asshole like that.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7860834 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 15:24

If you're still with him, see how he likes your new chainsaw, and hockey mask.

By Twinkee718 | 4

#7860886 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 20:27

That's just an asshole thing to do... I say be done with him.

By hannieannie | 18

#7860936 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 23:07

Hi, it’s my partner of 6 years and we’re in the middle of a prank war. Safe to say he won!

Reply

AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7861222 - Thursday 21 November 2019 23:56

Oooh ok then! he won!

By J15237 | 21

#7860971 - Thursday 21 November 2019 1:46

If he is a serious boyfriend who you have future plans with then I would find a way to get him back. If he is temporary I would consider looking for another boyfriend. I mean it is funny, but at the same time once the laugh has happened he does need to move on.