Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML
Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML
Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML
Today, I was washing the dishes when my wife came in wearing a new lingerie set, smiling at me. I dropped what I was doing and carried her to bed. After we'd finished, she went downstairs for a drink, saw the dishes I hadn't cleaned, and started a fight. Now I'm on the couch. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML
Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML
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Top comments
Peaches1914 13
How about getting a mattress cover Or looking for some more interesting places to have relations in your home Be safe and creative
jphoenix151 8
return that shit then.
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Comments (21)
Peaches1914 13
How about getting a mattress cover Or looking for some more interesting places to have relations in your home Be safe and creative
TomatoBurning 4
Safe and creative. LmAo.
jphoenix151 8
return that shit then.
ThatOneLonelyAsian 31
You aren't allowed to sleep on it either ... it's the couch for you mister
RichardPencil 32
Aw, don't worry about it -- sex is overrated. Shhh! Everybody, let's pretend that's true to make the OP feel better. We know the truth ;)
Major_Haywire 7
I remember sex 🤔
Mungolikecandy 19
You get to have kinky sex in many varied and different places other than vanilla sex in a bed. Huzzah!
Sady_Ct 38
But you can still play Marco-polo on it till you find each other and fall to the floor where you can proceed to eat and have sex right??
zoelog 10
I'm just curious as to why she can tell you what you can and can't do? ydi
BurnInDemonFire 39
Looks like the kitchen table is going to be the favorite piece of furniture in your house from now on.
Mathalamus 25
You really should not be eating or drinking in bed anyway...
404wan 19
Im sorry what? Its not her bed, it belongs to both of you. Do what you want, just dont be needlessly messy. And if she wont have sex, just enjoy that endless sandwich in your pocket.
Inkoseh 33
The sex part is an issue for both of them, but I completely agree no eating/drinking in bed! Crumbs don't magically stay on one side and spills affect both parties as you now BOTH have to get up to change the sheets.