Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML
Today, my girlfriend ran off with my beloved dog. Why? Yesterday she asked me who I'd choose, and I honestly said that I would choose the dog. FML
nodoggforme tells us more.
OP here. Just to set things straight, we'd only been dating for about 3 weeks and weren't lifelong friends before that or anything. My dog I've had for 7 years, so yeah, he won. I agree that if it had been the other way around I would have deserved it. The whole thing came up when we were sitting on the couch and I was rubbing my dog's back. Psycho chick then asked why I wasn't rubbing hers instead and asked who I cared for more and choose. "'Cause you can only have one!" Now I have none :(. Still looking for my dog.
Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML
briang959 tells us more.
briang959 47
I'm the OP. Thankfully my wife has a good sense of humor. We eventually found out some of our friends did this as a joke. :). Time to pay the prank forward. The comments are hilarious, BTW.
Today, I walked into my bedroom to find my boyfriend clipping his toe nails into my pillow case. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML
Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the local park for some romantic time together. By the time we left, I'd been called a pedo and a cradle robber, and been given several dirty looks. I'm 31. My boyfriend is 30 and just very baby-faced. FML
Today, I went on my first date in over 4 years with a smoking hot guy. The big event was a trip to Target. I work at Target. He took me to my workplace for our date. And they say romance is dead. FML
anonpbc tells us more.
anonpbc 20
OP here. To clarify for the haters, I do know what a date is supposed to be, I'm not an idiot. We had been planning to meet up for weeks. The date was lame, hence why I posted to FML. But it was definitely intended as a real date, accompanied by dinner and shopping a few other stores. No errands were ran, No groceries or Tp was purchased. I visited a few coworkers & he picked up a few electronics items. and no I didn't buy it or use my employee discount. It was my day off & he knew it was my workplace.
Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML
Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML
Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML
Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to Snapchat that said "The love of my life." It was a picture of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "The 2nd love of my life." It was a picture of the fuel truck that he drives for work. FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
Today, I made fun of a friend at a dinner party after he forgot to put his engagement ring on. It turned out his fiancée actually ended the engagement last week, and everyone thinks I was being spiteful just because the girl is my ex. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML
Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend when I began dozing off. I was then awoken by an explosive fart. It was me. FML
Halcyon_Sancta tells us more.
Hi, op here. Just so you guys know, the fart didn't kill my boyfriend. And now we fart around each other all the time. It's hilarious. Also- I know heteronormativity is a thing, but we're both men.
Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML
Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML
Today, at a ski resort, I tried to impress an attractive girl on the slopes and failed, horribly. I ended up with a mild concussion and some serious cuts after tripping, tumbling and hitting my head against the ground. I don't think she was impressed. FML
Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML
Today, I found out that every single picture that I have ever sent to my boyfriend, his father has also received. Every. Single. One. FML
Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML
Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML
Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML
Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML
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