Today, a student's parent yelled at me because they had to pay for school equipment their son had stolen from my desk. Apparently, it's my fault because the item was just too tempting for him not to steal. FML
Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML
Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML
Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML
Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML
Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML
Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML
Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML
Today, at age 18, I am now the guardian of my sister's 10-month-old and 4-year-old. Why? She decided to "work on her" and enlist in the army. Guess that means no college for me for the next year. FML
Terrenixwitch tells us more.
Hey guys! Update, the father gave full custody to my sister and wants nothing to do with them. He is also in jail for not paying child support before signing over full custody. As far as the kids, I'm taking care of them the best I can but it's hard since I also work. I love them to death and wouldn't want to give them up. I wasn't ready to be a temp mom this young. I know she will do awesome in her training but it put a lot of financial and mental stress on me. I had to learn quick how to take care of two kids. Thanks everyone for their advice! Also, I had to sign for them because I couldn't see these two innocent kids go through a traumatic experience such as being ripped away from their family after their mother leaving for a year. It was a shock and took a while to adapt but I'm making it work!
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I was shocked and confused as we use condoms and I'm on the pill. I confided in my friend, who guiltily confessed that her daughter swapped my pills for sugar pills and pinned through the rubbers to guarantee herself 5 more years of babysitting. FML
Stella5127 tells us more.
or all those people doubting my story! this ACTUALLY happened in july of 2016. I now have a boy named Nate. I kept my pills in a pill holder in the fridge with 'mon tue wed' on it. my friends daughter would come over every night after school to look after our oldest daughter, Tilly, after kindergarten while my husband and I would finish work. She had ample opportunity and being a busy teacher id just take my tablets (both birth control and thyroxine) quickly before work. though we love our baby it was a shock. Lily( my friends daughter) went off to a reform school called "Blackwood" (real place look it up) this past July, after she was also caught with drugs in her room and skipping school. she was a troubled child and I still speak to my friend, she only just found out after over hearing her daughter and her friend and was trying to protect her.
Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML
Today, my students are asking friends and family to come to a charity event. That would be all well if they weren't constantly mixing up "Rally Against Genocide" and "Support Genocide Victims" and telling everyone to come to the "Rally to Support Genocide". FML
Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML
Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML
Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML
Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML
Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML
Today, a 5th grader tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Don’t ever watch Two Girls, One Cup. Trust me.” While I appreciate the advice, I am dreading the phone call home. FML
Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML
Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML
Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML
Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML
Today, I challenged my husband to look after our twins by himself all day, like I normally do. When I got home, both babies had on clean nappies and clothes, dinner was cooked, the house was spotless, and three loads of washing were done. Smug bastard. FML
Today, I fulfilled a lifelong dream by attending a Dallas Cowboys football game. Our sitter fell through at the last minute so I took my five-year-old son instead of my wife. We had to leave after the first quarter because he threw up everywhere. FML
Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML
Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML
Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML
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