Intimate moments, the best funniest jokes

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Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

By - 27/2/2020 20:00

Completely wet

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Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

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Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

By - 24/2/2020 18:00

I miss him

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Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML

By - 22/2/2020 20:00

Too dry

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Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

By - 21/2/2020 14:00

No chance

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Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2020 14:00

My alarm

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Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

By - 19/2/2020 20:00

Just once

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Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

By Anonymous - 13/2/2020 19:00

I don't care

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Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, he was playing with the cat again. FML

By Anonymous - 11/2/2020 14:00

My husband's passion

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Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2020 20:00

Waste moment

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Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

By - 10/2/2020 01:00

Where it is?

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Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

By - 8/2/2020 18:00

Crazy party

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Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

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Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

By "cowboy_gold " - 25/1/2020 05:00

Don't ignore neighbor

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Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

By - 23/1/2020 18:00

Just love!

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Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

By fuck - 22/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Late reaction

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Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 05:00

Nice pic

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Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

By Anonymous

Almost done

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Today, right after sex, my boyfriend told me that I was as good as a man, and all that I was missing was a strap-on penis. FML

By Feema - United States

I am his girlfriend

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Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

By John Doe

Shaving!

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Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

The best method!

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Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

Our anniversary

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Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

Christmas shopping

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Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

Christmas pictures

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Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

By JackOLantern2099

She dared to say ...

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Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

By IzzMeister - United States

Watch a movie

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Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

By Anonymous

Just a question

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Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

By Anonymous

Crazy best friend

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Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

By Oregon

Does it taste good?

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