By Anonymous - 15/11/2019 18:00

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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Intimate moments

Season finale

Compassion

I have to do is dream

By bbbblt - 15/8/2010 11:39 - Australia

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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By iliku - 1/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By rhya4n - 15/5/2012 19:27 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By peanuts - 3/7/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By why - 16/3/2015 01:10 - United States - Tucson

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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By JubileeBee - 28/9/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 05:55 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

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By sucker - 6/1/2011 03:55 - Canada

Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML

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By none - 22/8/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - 15/9/2015 11:47 - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - 5/6/2016 08:37 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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By healthfoodshmealthfood - 17/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health-foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

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By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

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By teacher - 31/8/2010 14:50 - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

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By anon - 21/6/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

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By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By screwed - 4/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By kte - 30/12/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

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By TheRunaway21 - 6/4/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

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By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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By ash - 4/1/2011 21:09 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By Broly171 - 1/10/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

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By huwauw - 17/9/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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By Absent - 12/1/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

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By drycleanplz - 21/6/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

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By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 19:44 - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By photonut13 - 15/7/2010 10:52 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

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By AHole - 21/11/2012 14:03 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

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By scumdresser - 29/9/2012 20:34 - United States - Pittsford

Today, an incredibly rude woman came in for a hairdressing appointment. I had to put up with being yelled at and called a "clumsy bitch," a "pleb," and other insults for almost half an hour. When I finally managed to finish her hair, instead of tipping me, she spat at my feet and stormed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2012 23:33 - France

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

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By whatever - 24/11/2012 07:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be expecting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By not_so_sweet_sixteen - 17/3/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, was my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a 3 month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

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By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By mackmoons - 10/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out someone doing the exact same job as me at work is making $900 more than me on their paycheck. The only reason is because when he messes up, he blames it on me. FML

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By fuuu. - 19/3/2012 12:39 - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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Top comments

By manb91gb | 14

#7859596 - Friday 15 November 2019 19:09

God I hope I can still get my freak on when I'm 70!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7859672 - Saturday 16 November 2019 0:21

Next time, leave the room to "get a glass a water/ take a leak" so that they know right away that you weren't asleep after all. But yea, no child/ grandchild wants to hear THAT going on....

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7859587 - Friday 15 November 2019 18:20

They knocked it out in only 20 minutes?

By manb91gb | 14

#7859596 - Friday 15 November 2019 19:09

God I hope I can still get my freak on when I'm 70!

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7859615 - Friday 15 November 2019 20:30

Aw , that sucks

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7859660 - Friday 15 November 2019 23:33

Oh, no, you ditn't!!!

By rsequak | 11

#7859618 - Friday 15 November 2019 20:38

that's freakin gross

By Leeono | 26

#7859633 - Friday 15 November 2019 21:25

Grandmother fucker!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7859672 - Saturday 16 November 2019 0:21

Next time, leave the room to "get a glass a water/ take a leak" so that they know right away that you weren't asleep after all. But yea, no child/ grandchild wants to hear THAT going on....

By jac_1964_au | 23

#7859700 - Saturday 16 November 2019 2:17

Oooo you could only be so lucky to be able to have sex at 70:

By skippydoda | 32

#7859821 - Saturday 16 November 2019 12:53

That is both sweet and gross.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7859930 - Saturday 16 November 2019 21:49

At least you had granny porn in full view, shame it was your grandparents

By Chibicase | 17

#7861002 - Thursday 21 November 2019 4:52

the torture you have suffered...