Miscellaneous: Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from...

By lauren - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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Miscellaneous

Poisoned chalice

Horsing around

Drained

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

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33729

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By Anunimos - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

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33818

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By .... - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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44958

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3709

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By effingawwesome - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19565

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By sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1865

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171

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By psd60 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

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39209

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4179

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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13376

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1736

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By drug testing - United States - Little Chute

Today, while answering an "anonymous" survey about how to keep my school drug free, I told them they should stop drug testing the kids that they know don't do drugs and test the sketchier ones. They in turn drug tested me. FML

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43045

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

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15262

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By anon - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

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36751

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7248

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By Thanks everyone - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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62681

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By fml - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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20543

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4678

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By iet_Wyrda - France - Verneuil-sur-seine

Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML

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43985

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By Jonathan - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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47866

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10057

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By solomantis - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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15877

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50191

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By catpeecathy - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

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36525

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By gt - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because I corrected him after he misspoke during a meeting. FML

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15732

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35703

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

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43771

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8867

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

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1093

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171

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By Walker Alldredge - 15/9/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Out of it

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1731

You deserved it

414

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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11086

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40178

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By Solo coffee

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

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5386

You deserved it

441

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By bees - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

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36960

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2698

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By tiredofcrazy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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61670

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By jocksblow - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

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28303

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4282

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By Kay

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

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9620

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598

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By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2393

You deserved it

198

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By Lucy - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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31428

You deserved it

5384

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By mute - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23717

You deserved it

3453

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By GrLifeusx - United States

Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML

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31849

You deserved it

58313

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By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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13930

You deserved it

1091

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By Lonile13 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

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18048

You deserved it

5335

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By twofade - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2755

You deserved it

309

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By therundown - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49481

You deserved it

3963

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By blah - United States

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32051

You deserved it

10374

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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40920

You deserved it

20354

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63671

You deserved it

5061

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By xxbobsan - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47609

You deserved it

5492

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By RubyRed213

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4161

You deserved it

391

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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1513

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110

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Top comments

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7459310 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 20:52

Oh, that's an awkward excuse considering you can take vacuums apart to get stuff back!

COMMENTS

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7459310 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 20:52

Oh, that's an awkward excuse considering you can take vacuums apart to get stuff back!