Intimate moments: Golden shower

Golden shower

By Anonymous - 08/11/2019 03:00

Today, I had my first golden shower. Too bad it was from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 363

Intimate moments

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Operation time!

No Future

By Anonymous - 14/06/2015 08:10 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I laid in bed until 3am kept up by a house party. In my own house. Which my housemates didn't invite me to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 634

You deserved it 3 629

By Anonymous - 03/10/2009 12:29 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 678

You deserved it 32 131

By fmlsrsly - 25/03/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 384

You deserved it 30 197

By Anonymous - 06/09/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 437

You deserved it 7 716

Snowflakes

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 10:58 - United States

Today, I bumped my head on a tool box. When it happened, I yelled, "Fuck." I got fired from my job for cussing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 225

Trawling

By Adil Ilahi - 05/06/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Keighley

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 303

By onlyslightly - 30/11/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 806

You deserved it 4 795

By JCC - 18/05/2011 10:57 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 412

You deserved it 13 027

By Anonymous - 07/07/2013 13:58 - United States - Wayne

Today, not only do I work as a garbage man, but I had to pick up a used, bloody tampon that someone decided to throw on the ground rather than in a garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 495

You deserved it 5 047

By HorrorByrd - 26/07/2009 20:06 - Canada

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 970

You deserved it 14 155

By Zinfandel - 07/08/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 143

You deserved it 36 806

By Anonymous - 05/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 335

You deserved it 1 104

By Well, crap - 18/06/2013 15:02 - Denmark - Kongerslev

Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 306

You deserved it 22 193

By JK2010 - 11/01/2010 18:12 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 273

You deserved it 3 213

Property law

By wtf dad - 22/07/2020 23:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 291

You deserved it 574

By failedfather - 16/12/2013 16:34 - Australia - Ferntree Gully

Today, I had to tell McDonald's that my 11-year-old son thought it would be funny to take a dump in the urinal. I then had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 235

You deserved it 13 783

Not a morning person

By crazybitch - 18/06/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 940

You deserved it 4 028

By nick - 12/01/2015 08:23 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 818

You deserved it 2 718

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - 12/04/2020 08:00

Today, my roommate told me she had developed a rash on her armpits, which causes them to be itchy. The doctor told her the only way to heal it is to not wear deodorant for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 162

By justwantingtohelp - 16/08/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 528

You deserved it 3 408

By Hreyes - 15/09/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 429

You deserved it 2 137

By PapaW - 01/11/2013 07:01 - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 291

You deserved it 7 084

By ChelseaRae - 06/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 437

You deserved it 5 525

By Chaznuts - 08/09/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 457

You deserved it 5 193

Irony on base level

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 11:01 - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my boyfriend has been grumpy for days, because his essay on society's fixation with performance, winning awards and getting good grades got a somewhat disappointing grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 80

By asianlover - 30/06/2011 07:24 - Finland

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 096

You deserved it 5 230

By applesmama - 17/09/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 414

You deserved it 4 665

What?!

By needmorelocks - 03/07/2012 05:36 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 681

You deserved it 2 757

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 728

You deserved it 3 038

By ReallyBro - 21/03/2012 07:27 - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 345

You deserved it 11 293

By mustabeendrugs - 14/10/2013 01:14 - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 188

You deserved it 3 705

So selfish

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 14:00

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 105

By pickit - 25/02/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 233

You deserved it 20 787

By whymegirl - 22/07/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 988

You deserved it 8 549

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 957

You deserved it 30 994

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 156

You deserved it 8 771

Headshot!

By almyric - 02/10/2019 12:02

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a foot massage. I learned that his feet are ticklish when he kicked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 259

By RektForLyfe - 25/07/2016 03:32 - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 510

You deserved it 1 224

By ColdMN - 03/02/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 225

You deserved it 11 094

By fmlmylife - 11/03/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 577

You deserved it 9 217

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Top comments

ahabsfan 14

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Friday 8 November 2019 3:22

Golden shower from a pussy? Sounds about right.

Ashamed_Sister 60

Send a private message

Friday 8 November 2019 16:28

Call me old-fashioned, but to me it wouldn't matter whether it was from a cat or a human.

Comments

ahabsfan 14

Send a private message

Friday 8 November 2019 3:22

Golden shower from a pussy? Sounds about right.

Ashamed_Sister 60

Send a private message

Friday 8 November 2019 16:28

Call me old-fashioned, but to me it wouldn't matter whether it was from a cat or a human.

YallDeservedItJk 22

Friday 8 November 2019 21:25

Sounds like you want a golden shower from a human 😃

faifai_fml 21

Send a private message

Saturday 9 November 2019 22:18

Wait... you... uh... so this is a DOWNgrade? Human would be better? Does it make a difference?

Abbusser 11

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Sunday 10 November 2019 17:49

Working your way up?

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 11

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 1 025

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 1 166