Your everyday life stories

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Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

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Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

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Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML

By wtf bro - 20/3/2020 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

King Dick

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Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

By SailorVenus93 - 20/3/2020 06:00

Be reasonable, people

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Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 03:30

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

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Today, as I'd been going to a gym with my wife as a guest on her account, I joined as a regular member. However, before I had time to go under my own membership, the gym closed down due to the coronavirus. FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 00:01

Right place, wrong time

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Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

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Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 18:00

Oedipus Rex

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Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

By Paul Rushing - 19/3/2020 15:00

Panic buying? What panic buying?

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Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 09:03

That escalated badly

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Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 07:37

Slight overreaction?

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Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

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Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML

By Clogged Nose - 19/3/2020 02:32

Smells like teen spirit of America

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Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML

By hazyshadows - 18/3/2020 17:02 - United States - Edmond

Too many cooks, etc.

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Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

By mala_19 - 18/3/2020 20:14 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

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Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

By middleagednurse - 18/3/2020 17:00

Stay Safe!

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Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

By Highschoolsucks - 18/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Unexpected item

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Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

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Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

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Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

By Tess - 18/3/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

The Haunting of FML House

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Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

By kellthryn - 17/3/2020 23:00

Stop! Thief!

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Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

By Carlah - 17/3/2020 20:30

Deception

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Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

By Maggie - 17/3/2020 17:00

Nice mental image

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Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

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Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

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Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

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Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 02:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Nokia 3310 FTW

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Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

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Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

By jensoulstealer - 16/3/2020 20:17

The Omen 4

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