Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

by dukemisery / 11/28/2016 at 7:23am / Hong Kong / Love

Today, while arguing with my pregnant wife, she said, “You can’t understand. I’m creating life. What are you creating, besides poop?” FML

by caca maker / 01/13/2013 at 4:22am / Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

by BreechInEducation / 11/27/2016 at 1:55am / Love

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

by calgarygal / 11/22/2016 at 9:53pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

by smalls727 / 11/22/2016 at 12:46pm / Animals

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

by Allergies suck / 11/22/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

by sig / 11/22/2016 at 8:54am / Love

Tripartita's comment : That actually makes tons of sense. It didn't before I spent a few solid hours banging my head against a wall, but now it's clear as day.

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Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

by Bawsack / 11/22/2016 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Health

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

by buttsmcgee / 11/22/2016 at 2:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

by Firequeen / 11/21/2016 at 4:44pm / Holidays

siggy_mcsigx's comment : This could have happened to anyone who used the bathroom vent. It isn't your fault their house has faulty wiring.

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Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

by SorrySnowWhite / 11/21/2016 at 3:13pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

ThirteenThirteen's comment : didn't have to yell at her ffs

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Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

by 4lphab3t4 / 11/21/2016 at 10:22am / Kids

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

by _kristaaxo / 11/21/2016 at 4:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy