The best jokes about life

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Today, after my grandfather died a month ago, my grandmother had a massive stroke. I have a sinus infection but had to be tested for Covid. I need it to show negative so I can say goodbye to the most influential woman in my life. I don’t know that results will be back in time. FML

By Sad - 3/1/2021 11:01

Tock follow tick follows tock…

1058

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 08:02

8 out of 10 dentists

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Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 05:01

Blackmail material

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Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 01:58

Wait for me!

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Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

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Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

By Erin - 2/1/2021 20:01

Warming it up

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Today, I told a friend I had become more religious lately. He immediately started mocking me for being a 'stupid creationist bigot'. When I told him how offensive that was, he acted bewildered and started condescendingly lecturing me about how 'science has proven God does not exist'. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 16:58

Let people believe

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Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

By Tony - 2/1/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Cats rule the world

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Today, my dad said he hates gay people. My parents don't know I'm gay. I'm a high school senior. I wish I could just have someone to love and to love me, I just feel so lonely. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 11:01

Hang in there

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Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML

By Boyufd - 2/1/2021 08:00

Forever alone man

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Today, I bought a $50 Nintendo eShop card to redeem on my Nintendo Switch. As I was scratching the grey area, I scratched too hard, making it hard to see what it was. I tried randomly guessing and asking for help. Neither helped. Guess who didn't get $50 back. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 04:58

Scratch that itch

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Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

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Today, I got yelled at by my dad again for being inside so much instead of outside doing stuff. We are still in a lockdown and are not allowed to leave the house unless its for work or to go to the store. FML

By idk.man® - 1/1/2021 22:54

Thanks, dad

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Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 19:59 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Renovations

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 years decided on New Year's Eve to get on his knees and tell me that he cheated on me with his ex, and they're getting back together. Yay last day of 2020! FML

By tasian14 - 1/1/2021 17:01

Here's to a better year

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Today, I learned that I've married into a family that talks to movie characters as they’re doing stuff in the movie. Good luck hearing the dialogue now. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 00:01 - Australia - Melbourne

Can it, now!

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Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

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Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

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Today, for the first time in 8 months, I got laid and it was amazing. Unfortunately, it's kicked my latent sex drive into hyperdrive. Best part? No idea when I might have sex again, so apparently I just have to live with being ragingly horny for the foreseeable future. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 22:56 - United States - Montpelier

Join the club

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Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Stamford

Where were you?

684

Today, I found out where the puddle in the basement came from. I thought the freezer was broken, but no. My mom is running what can only be called a death camp for vegetables in there. She buys them, then forgets about them until they turn liquid. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

Suffer little chives

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Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

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Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

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Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

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Today, at the age of 24, the only way I can remember anything at all is if I repeat it over and over again like a mantra. FML

By annie - 31/12/2020 02:01 - United States - San Jose

Memento

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Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Deadbeat

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Today, my mum vented her anger on me by shattering my mouse on the floor, taking my keyboard and nearly ripping out my monitor. At least a spare mouse and the on screen keyboard are better than nothing. This hurts. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 09:32 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Insane parents, part 38765

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Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

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