The best jokes about life

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Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

715

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Bad, bad mom

870

Today, I learned I will hand my daughter off to a complete stranger in order to provide help during an emergency situation. I don't know whether I feel proud to be someone who steps up in the moment, or mortified and ashamed that I gave my kid to a bystander so easily. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 14:01

Be the hero

620

187

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after we watched Titanic for the first time together. Why? Two reasons. Because I cried, and apparently men aren't allowed to be emotional, and because she asked me if I would save her or a boat of women and children first. Neither answer was correct. FML

By Daligheri - 2/3/2021 11:01

Sinking feeling

831

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 02:01 - United States

Whipping boy

713

Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 05:01

Men and their balls

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Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

By Atypical - 2/3/2021 02:01

Mother of the year

949

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

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125

Today, I got a great job offer but things are constantly changing at my current position due to COVID. So I was honest and told them I wanted to see what my employer could offer. They took back their offer and gave it to someone else. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 23:01

Hesitation

302

1410

Today, I found out my husband of one year has been renting his old batchelor's apartment in secret, because he is unsure if he wants to stay married to me, and we are broke. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 22:30 - South Africa

Secrecy

925

Today, my father retired and made sure to buy both my younger sisters and their partners near new cars. Despite only one having a licence. Then bought the bare minimal definition of a "functioning" car for me, as compensation for paying off the family car on my own. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 03:00 - Australia - Geraldton

Not the golden child

808

Today, I had a dream where I was with my last girlfriend, from five years ago. Nothing dirty. Just leaning on each other, talking, and smiling. Woke up and felt like she was really here, and now I miss her as much as when she had to leave the country. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Missing the one

823

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

By Niniva - 1/3/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Scarcity

800

Today, the court is unable to allow me to divorce my wife because she is pregnant with our child. I have to wait until AFTER the baby is born, so that she is born inside of a marriage and not be an "illegitimate child". I was planning to move out of our house to go live with my high school sweetheart this weekend. FML

By HaroldLames - 1/3/2021 11:01

What have you got yourself into?

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Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

A new enemy

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Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 05:01

Favoritism

984

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

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Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

1596

Today, I tested positive for COVID… again. This pandemic has been going on for so long that after 11 months, my natural immunity has apparently worn off. I'm in the next group for the vaccine. FML

By SecondTimesACharm - 28/2/2021 17:01 - United States - Woodstock

Is that how it works?

865

128

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

By Imnotfromhere - 28/2/2021 21:30

Le Epic Bacon

348

1046

Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML

By K.. - 28/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Put your foot down

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Today, I'm waiting for the second evaluator to accept my master's thesis so I can graduate. If my grade isn't submitted by the end of the week, my credits will expire, which will have consequences for my job. The evaluator is the same woman who graded essays from the beginning of the college year at the end of it. FML

By Mimmi491 - 28/2/2021 17:01

Get on with it!

858

Today, I scripted-planned and went to quit my job. Instead, I somehow ended up an emotional crying mess during the conversation with my manager - who recommended I get counseling. FML

By Damngurl - 28/2/2021 03:01 - United States - Kula

I can't quit you

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Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 04:01 - United States - Weyauwega

Ungeeked

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Then my COVID test came back as positive. FML

By Darkparcero33 - 28/2/2021 08:01

Love in the time of coronavirus

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Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

893

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of five years has been cheating on me with other women from all the hickeys and scratch marks he has. But to top it off, he's slowly been moving out for months. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 02:01

The Phoebe Technique

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Today, I've been so anxious that I downloaded a crossword app to try to focus. You get stars whenever you complete a puzzle, either 1, 2, or 3. I'm now up to 400 stars and placed first in a competition I didn't even know I was participating in. I'm still anxious. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Gloucester

Crossword anxiety

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Today, my girlfriend and I, who are both heavy set, went into the pharmacy and asked if they sold any over the counter antidiarrhetic medicine. The store clerk, eyeing us up and down, said, “Uh, sorry, we don’t have antidiabetic medicine.” FML

By DV. - 27/2/2021 23:01 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Judge not lest ye be judged

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