Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

by ghostninja4593 / 12/01/2016 at 10:48pm / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

by CheeseLover / 12/01/2016 at 7:44pm / United States (Texas) / Geek

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

by BohGlam / 12/01/2016 at 3:30pm / Work

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

by KereKris / 12/01/2016 at 2:18pm / Health

Solano2580's comment : Either write another review saying how annoyingly persistent they are to get it removed, or report them to someone. Fuck it, do both.

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Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML

by buttpain / 12/01/2016 at 1:29pm / Kids

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

by EggBomb / 12/01/2016 at 1:22pm / Miscellaneous

Tripartita's comment : If you need help gathering the pieces, I've heard all the king's horses and all the king's men are pretty good. Note: if you want the egg put back to together again, however, you'll need to look elsewhere.

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Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

by anonymous / 12/01/2016 at 11:00am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, a week after dropping my car off for the third time in a month at the dealership because of an unresolved issue, the dealership mistakenly reported the rental vehicle I'm using in the meantime as stolen. The police surrounded my work as I was meeting with a potential client. FML

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

by heaventlyassbutt / 11/30/2016 at 7:45am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2016 at 5:48am / Health

egnur_mas's comment : I'm unsure why it took you 27 years to do this. I understand it can be embarrassing but in my mind it's even more embarrassing to have this happen to you during the day.

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Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2016 at 8:48pm / Health

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

by betterpianist / 11/29/2016 at 4:04pm / United States / Love

Today, I've been working abroad. The holiday request I put in two months ago and that was verbally approved came back denied today as they can't find cover. I have already booked my flights, can't cancel them, and I get to spend Christmas alone. FML